Meaning Of Songs

Having everything ripped out, torn apart, I have found that I have been given the ability to be wide open, if I allow it. I have found that pain can be such a conduit, if people submit to such a thing, to being free of what hate and evil and deception and lies have done to a soul. With this openness I have come to experience a whole new side to my comfort music. Words that have bring tears to my eyes because that emotion swells within me. The words sound as if they are coming from inside me. I can understand them so much deeper. The pain has cut me all the way through and the knowledge and experience just pour in to the very depths of every fiber of my being. I understand whole, never completely, we cannot as incomplete, imperfect creatures. Yet, when we allow it, our depth of understanding can beyond something galactic  even dimensional I dare say. When we rise up through the ashes, knowing we are burnt, broken, and in ways un-reparable, but we learn an entirely new thing about ourselves, others, and of course life. I may be burning in the sorrows from the crushing blow of evils vice, but I am cleansed by the fire of truth and love. I have found how real, how true some people can actually be.

My Own Blood

I don't fear death. In fact I dream of it. Imagine. Always gruesome. I can just vision my blood pouring out of me. Its always only me. The sight of blood on others, movies, etc. makes me nauseous. But my own, inspires me. I can just see myself falling onto a katana, hitting my organs, and just letting the pain overcome me. Its so wonderful. The sweet, sweet pain. Something, the only thing I have ever been able to control. My blood flow. Well, for the most part. Even if it wasn't myself always giving the wounds. My blood, was still mine, no one has taken that yet. I try an keep it, or let it go, its my will, the only thing I can will. Or that is how I have lived my life. I still, have a hard time overcoming the want, the itch, the desire to see my blood. To feel the skin separate, peel away from the flesh, meat, underneath. The small veins, the larger ones, cut into them, see the blue turn a bright red as it makes contact with the air. Dripping downward, flowing, following the lines of my skin. The brightness fades as I let it dry were it has fallen. Feeling the tingle of my wounds trying to heal themselves. Traumatized. Fear. Wondering why this was caused, why my brain let it happen. Sigh. Will I ever be better? I don't believe it, I seem to fall and will crash into the arms of death with as brutal a death as I can manage. I was never meant to be apart of this world. Not a living breathing being. Just a mere object to be used. Played with. But it is still my blood.

To Choose Life

I have to say that at this point, I'm tired of trying. I am tired of people just not getting. People saying they love me yet not caring enough to get to know me. Damn, what a bunch of hypocrites. I suppose I can't blame them. Aren't we all of evil origins? Don't we all at some point take away any purity by the sinful desires we wish to fulfill? Burn. Hate. Forget. Break. Let go. Turn away. Lie. Deceive. Don't we all at some point achieve our own agenda through the broken remnants of another souls? Yes, at least at some point. So it it true that I cannot blame them. However, I do hate them. Some more then others. You preach of mercy, love, and care. What a fucking lie. Was what you did to me such? Was your plot, one of joy? Nay, perhaps for you. I'm sure my life fluid coursing from the wounds was a pleasant smell for you. I can imagine the pure bliss you received from my brokenness as I shattered into a thousand pieces at your feet. Oh how cruel you smile enveloped me. And now as I sit here typing you have the world and I am left with nothing. No, you made sure of that. after all I gave. After all I suffered for you. This is the gift you give in return. How horrible I perceive myself. You retched religion makes me sick. I am glad say I have no part of it. I am not completely free. A lifetime of co-horsed suffer in the light of lies has imprinted many character brands. Not so easily washed away. But this I Know with time will disappear. My new heart dedication has filled my life with something weightless. Someplace more hopeful. If even I can lay claim to such a term...