How To Fight

How do you fight depression? What is it that needs to be fought? Why do we fight it? Some days, some more then a few, some more then then all, it is so hard to not to just surrender, to stop fighting. I don't have the weapons, I don't have the gear, I don't have the power, I don't have an army or even a few good men, to aid me. Hm, how sad, hahahaha, oh the irony. sigh

My Smile, His

He made me smile today. After we spent that time crying. Holding each other. Bracing for the emotions.  After I told him he could never know what it felt like. How he had never been used so cruelly by some one you cared about, by family. But he works so hard to love me. Why me? Why does he love me? I may never know the answer. I do love how he makes me smile, like no one else ever had. I feel safe with him. He has never taken anything from me. I love him. Truly do. Always have. There has never been and will never be anyone else. He has my heart. He has my smile.

Please Rain Today

Another day waiting for the rain. I want to hear the sound. Feel it against my already cold skin. I hope it rains for days. Making it easy to hide away.

Just A Thought

....how long will you live to die today....

What I Want

I have such the urge to die right now, oooo, in horrible ways. I can see myself bleeding, lots of blood. Heavily intoxicated from alcohol and sweet  little pills, so many more than nay one should take. I see myself laughing as I watch my blood flow freely from its restraints. I laugh deeper, hysterically. Blood stained clothes, shredded, rip them away. Nothing left. MMmmm, such a hard urge to hold back, god, if I wasn't talking to him right, I just might, I have more than enough resources to accomplish this. Please, oh please let me succumb to these shattered desires, the desire to rid myself of a life in pain for several more seconds of pleasurable destruction. Watching myself sink into the depths of eternal darkness.....mmmm such a lovely image....

Sad Inside Me

Tears falling down my face, right now. Its sad how sad I can get, I am always sad it seems, even when I smile. I think I have always been sad inside. I tried to hide, well I did, no one ever knew how sad I was on the inside. I hid it so well. To protect others mostly. We who cares if I am happy? Its doesn't matter to anyone. This world is fine with just another sad face in hidden in the crowd. I never liked to stand out anyway. It freaked me out. I don't deal with crowds well. I suppose I cry from fear as well, now that I think about it. I can't really remember the last time I wasn't afraid....hm...how sad......haha, how ironic. I am a fearfully, sad irony filled soul, welcome, laugh at my misfortune as people are well known to do. I just sit in my favorite corner of this closet and cry, maybe bleed a little....just a little...

In My Thoughts

When you think to much, as I do, you realize things, stuff. Especially after the years of unforgiving experiences and sorrows, the rivers of information to explain why it all happened to the depth of each human psyche. It so strange. You feel as if you should have known those things you have learned, should have known from the beginning. Knowledge you wish you could of had. Mm, like that Katy Perry song that talks about wishing she would have known so she would have dived in, not given her all, because it wasn't going to work. You wonder what happens to the time and love you put in? Does it just disappear, as if it had never been? I guess so. I wish I had give so much away, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad right now. I wish I hadn't cared about anyone, than this would be so painful. Sad, its who I am, I can't help it, I even try to help it, to not be compassionate, sigh, I just can not be compassionate. I feel as if it is in my blood. It is everything I am. Because I hate the fact there are people who don't believe they are loved or will ever be so. I have felt that way most of my life, which is why I am so drained now. I was never given love to just be loved, no never. Until Sora, of course, well he even had to change and grow. But he was never like the rest. They "loved" me to get what ever it was they needed, ego bust, self-worth, pride, to victimize, such my life out to feed themselves...sigh, yea well, humans disappoint, are no loyal, safe, hopeful  Most of them anyway. I just wish I would have been more aware of the fact that I really was so weak, an easy prey. That I wasn't strong enough to fight. That I didn't know anyone strong enough to save me. Sigh. The things you have to learn after the fact, so sad. goddamn I hate life, or living I suppose would be a better reference. I'm to weak to be apart of this word. I have always been. Its seems funny to me now, to hear people proclaim I am strong, that I have strength. I wonder who they think I am? How could they think such a thing, I want to die, how is that strong  Oh well. People are silly. I can't be rageful very long, at all. It vanishes like smoke from an extinguished candle. Which I hope my life will reciprocate, soon.