Please Take Two

Take two minutes everyday

For freedom and liberty

For every man and woman who have GIVEN THEIR LIVES in these pursuits through the centuries and across the world

Remember in silence their deaths given, freely, but with such a hi high price

American Revolution War – 50,000+

French-American War – 556+

War of 1812 – 25,000+

American Civil War – 646,392+

Spanish-American War – 4,068+

World War I – 320,518+ [missing3,350+]

World War II – 1,076,245+ [30,314+]

Korean War – 128,650+ [4,756+]

Vietnam War – Cold war – 211,454+ [2,489]

War on Terror – 96,860+

1775-present death total of American fighters= 2,722,991*

[*including multiple Indian/Island/Expeditions/Other nations -/Wars 0f 1813-1848]

Take two minutes every day for the DEATHS of World Earthly Disaster

Indonesia Tsunami - 230,273–310,000

Haiti Earthquake - 316,000

Burma Cyclones - 138,366

Katrina – 1,836

…and so many more

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Famine every day

Who starve to death, everyday

25,000 People Every Day

1 in 6 Americans

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Aids every day

1.5 million Every year

At least 4110 every day

One Every 20 Seconds

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Malaria every day

About 1 million every year

%90 of them in Africa

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Poverty Every day

People Die of Disease and Hunger and

Could be fed

Saved

Cost 195 billion a year

That is a about $30 a month per person

A Dollar a day to

Feed, Medicate, Clothe, and Educate

All people who need it worldwide

Take two minutes every day for all those Modern Slaves every day

Worldwide

12 – 27 million Worldwide are slaves

Today

2.45 million people are being trafficked in the world at any given moment

half of those being trafficked are for commercial sex exploitation

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Suicide Every day

About 300,000 worldwide

30,000 or so are within the US

750,000 or so Americans attempt suicide every year

About 82 a day complete that attempt

Take two minutes every day for all those who must DEAL with repercussions on Rape/Sexual Assault every day in the US

207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year

That are report in the US

1 sexual assault every 152 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.

2 minutes

That last for a lifetime

Take two minutes every day for all those who SUFFER from a Mental Illness, including Eating disorders

estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older, about one in four adults, suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder a year

57.7 million People

In the US

1 in 17, suffer from a serious mental illness

Take at least 20 minutes everything to think about others

Give silence and respect for those who die and suffer

And ask yourself

Who am I and what am I doing?

Don’t compare

Just

REMEMBER

Justice In Death

As I travel through this predicament, this pain, I have beliefs. An understanding, of myself.
I am weak.
If I can't make it through this, if I die, killed by another, if my body can't take it any longer, if I take my own life, or when, I hope it will be a truth told to the world....
How the justice system can turn on a victim
How cruel they can be.
How they can blame me for what was forced upon me. The horrible things I was made to do.
The shame I am made to endure...all for the sake of others.
To protect those who came to hate me because of the monster who consumed me, body and soul. Took everything from me, and continues to try.
I want my death to proclaim the injustice given to victims world wide.
Mostly the women of the world, but also those men who where forced to endure horrible things.
When the wombs that carry the life of the world are tortured and treated as objects, as things, then the entire world suffers. This is a truth we cannot escape.
But why should be made to continue on in this life with these disgusting memories? Why should I have to pay the price, again, for the crimes of another?
I am tortured daily by the reminder of what I was made to do...just, so others would not suffer as I had, so that others would not die, so that those I loved would not be harmed.
Now I sit here dying because my body rejects everything that had been forced upon it. Can I ever live a normal life? Can I live?
I believe that answer to be know. Now one should be punished for the disgusting things that have been forced upon me.
The Pain.
The shame.
The horror.
And the fact that if I die, in a way they do win, but maybe other's will be saved, will be heard.
Because while I lived many did not listen.
They let it happen.
They punished me for the pain I was suffering.
They let it happen. And made me pay for it.
What is the point..........
There is no such thing as justice.....

I Can't See

I feel as if I am always being watched. As if eyes are on me. Even in my dark empty room. Some thing creepy about, ready to pounce. Sigh such a creepy, creepy feeling I get. Terrified that I will be caught. I will be captured. That I will never escape from the horrors that still haunt my memories and my dreams. Marks I bare will never be seen. But I hurt all the same. Pain here. Pain there, a pain to remind me of care that I gave. Of gifts that were stolen. Ouch, I can't seem to take enough pain killers...or sleep aids...god I just want to be free...

The Wind Blows

It feels as if this storm does not want to stop, as if it really has no intention to do so. I am in a way fine with that. I tried to keep myself asleep for, well ever if I could, last night, Sigh. I know I really don't need to work hard at it. But I believe I must prove something first. It is more to show. That I was not wrong, but very much wrong, then left to be feed to the wolves. I had never been so shocked I think, to know how cold supposed people who follow a doctrine of love could. I had always tried to believe that those places where indeed where you could find unconditional love. No hoops to jump trough, just love me through this. I had hoped I would be rescued, Instead I feel like I was lead before the people with a false crime and told I was to be stoned. And so I was. But those that judge in the stead of god's will pay a great price, according to their writings. I am not afraid of this. Indeed, for I know Iwas not wrong, it was not me. Being batter and broken and forcing to hide it to save lives, well, how can that be wrong. I do wish this storm would blow me away, far, far away from people and their cruelties. Their harmful words and brutal actions. Sigh, I wish I would stop crying, so I can smile for him. Maybe that is a goal. To try and smile. So simple yet so very difficult. I wish I had the strength of the wind. To know when weather must be pulled in or pushed out or just chill and enjoy the ride. Yes, the wind, what a wise being.

I Am Weak

I may be weak. I do have flaws. I am sad. But I know I am not wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It was not my fault. It was theirs. For being weak. Being sad creatures. Needing to feed of the weak. Trying to hide behind their own sorrows. Trying to blame me for their weaknesses  Just because some one is nice and caring and open, does not equal seduction. That's crap. It was wrong. I never wanted it. I never, ever asked for. No matter what I had to tell them to keep them from making me suffer more, causing more pain. I never wanted it. I was great before. I was very happy. I was satisfied  I never, ever needed their pathetic weakness that consumed me. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean shit. I shouldn't have to be afraid that just because I have a friendly smile some one will think I like them and try raping me. That's crap. That's hell. Fuck that. I have been beaten and used and threatened. I won't be ever again. I actually have some one who loves me, has never ever taken from me. He is the only one who has ever loved me. I am hurt, and broken, but he is the only one I have ever loved.

What I Want

I have such the urge to die right now, oooo, in horrible ways. I can see myself bleeding, lots of blood. Heavily intoxicated from alcohol and sweet  little pills, so many more than nay one should take. I see myself laughing as I watch my blood flow freely from its restraints. I laugh deeper, hysterically. Blood stained clothes, shredded, rip them away. Nothing left. MMmmm, such a hard urge to hold back, god, if I wasn't talking to him right, I just might, I have more than enough resources to accomplish this. Please, oh please let me succumb to these shattered desires, the desire to rid myself of a life in pain for several more seconds of pleasurable destruction. Watching myself sink into the depths of eternal darkness.....mmmm such a lovely image....

Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn

Exposure To Trauma

Imagine have not one but numerable encounters with trauma. Surrounded by an atmosphere one should not be in as a new born/toddler; sex, drug ,rock and roll.1,2,3,4,5 car accidents, one almost fatal. Parents in separate almost fatal car accidents. a private school your family couldn't afford, and people knew it, that treated you as if you would never amount to anything. Verbal bullying from peers as a child. 15-20 funerals in my short lifetime. Uncle steals from you as a child, does drug in front of you. Molested by a cousin, who lived with us. He died.....And on and on...I could stop there, but There is so much more to my story, so much more horrible things.
I had an ideal growing up, of who I wanted to be, virtues I gleaned from the huge bundles of reading I did, after awhile reading became a survival tool. The people I would read about, my heroes  the people I wanted to be like, were real, they had issues, they pains, but they persevered through it all, be came stronger. Were amazing people that everyone loved, well except those who hated the fact that they were loved. But they were selfless, hard working, charming, mannered, sure, helpful, loving of all, kind of people. Yea they made mistakes, but they always cared. That is what I wanted to be. And that is what I have always striven for, until very recently  For with time and the multiple efforts of evil in the world, I slowly and painfully began loosing all of my self-worth, yet continued to give, to love, with that being my only desire, to love and hopefully be loved. Alas, I never felt what true love should have felt like. Abuse, abuse, abuse. So much trauma there are days, months, sometimes years I cannot remember because my being was so hurt it couldn't stand it. I began to be 'taught' that I was worthless, only to be used and abused, little less than garbage. Yet. still I stove to share love with the world. But all it did was take, my virtues, my essence, my life. I am an empty shell now that is suspended in this time to be tormented by my thoughts and memories. I have been so depressed most of my life my internal self began to self-destruct, not only by the people that surrounded me but by the pain I caused myself  I have been completely drained of a normal life by all the trauma I have been forced to experience. I've lost and organ, I can't eat, I can't sleep, my short term memory is completely impaired, my emotions are a storm, I have no control, I am loosing, I am lost. I am terrified of living, life and all the other things in it. I have had the ability to enjoy life taken from me. Ripped from me with brutal force. With no mercy. Trauma is not something to laugh at. It is not a joke. The pain you caused is permanent. I am forever marked by your evil.

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...

Is This Life

I hate being afraid. Being scared. Being frightened. I thought that I wanted to live. Now I am not so sure. I mean, what it there to look forward to...people who get a thrill out of hurting you. Never feeling safe. Will I ever feel safe? Sigh. There is no guarantee. Can't trust anyone. I watch these shows about people dying, slowly, painfully, wishing it were me. My mind just wonders there. It always has. Expect when Sora is around, he makes me feel alive. As if I really want to live. Sigh. But each time he brings me back to life, I feel like dying again from the contact I make with others. People who say things like "friends", "family", "love", caring", blah, blah, blah...lie after lie. Sigh. I fell for each one, out of fear. Fear that it will won't really be there. Fear of...well. I suppose I can't really describe to the fear of people you love or care about, unless of course it has happened to you. To think to that to be loved was to have bruises, blood, nightmares, fear of never actually waking. To think, just imagine, that was a way of life. To live in constant fear. Terror. But never with Sora. I wish We could just live. I wish. I wish I didn't have so much fear that I can feel it. In every part of my body, the pain. Headaches come and go. My digestive system can't seem to handle the sorrow, the fear, the hurt. My back goes out. My teeth. My heart. So will I die or will I live? All I have is Sora, I think some days I feel so broken that I am not worth fixing...

Being Past Times

Past time. Past times. Adding one, little letter can sure change a phrases mean so very much. Both things however, are things that trouble me. The time that has past, well, has been rough. It's so hard to read this help and survivor books, cause for the most part it's one or maybe several events. Not a lifetime. From the beginning. I feel like I should read books on survivors from war torn countries or something. I feel like I could relate better. Most of these help book talk about get over "experiences", not a "life" you had. Hm, I think I will. I'll have to do some research and see if I can find some strong biographies. As for my past times, they have come undone and I am in a renewal of myself. I don't really know who I am or what it even means to be me. Things I once loved so deeply now bring pain. Heartache. I'll just march on. I do feel better today, by the way. I woke up smiling. And hoping and all that other weird stuff. Not bad after yesterday. And that scary dream I had about blood and chasing and zombies and death and taaallll buildings. Yea, I think I'm a little better. I suppose a little is better then nothing.

Missing You, NO

Have you ever had that experience, where you miss something but you don't want to be missing it? Something that hurt you, but that something use to be that something that was worth having around. That something that made you smile. You wanted it there. To be around. It made you smile. Then, there was the pain. You couldn't understand why. Why did it have to hurt so much? Then it became all the time. But I loved. Loved a lot. So much. To much. Still do. Always will. But it doesn't matter. Lies turned to truth it is was no more, and all I am left with is the memory, the pain, the sorrow, the missing. Its not anyone cares. Which will be OK. I guess. Right now it defiantly does not feel that way. No, it hurts. A Lot. More than I like. Sigh. Why? why? I'm tired of this sadness that follows me. Just when I was starting to feel so bright. I love this time of year. I hate it now even more. Summer. Had always been my favorite. That's when the memories began. That's when it was over. So now I'm stuck missing things I don't want to, its not east to let go, I'm not even sure I know how...at all......part of me doesn't want to....I need to.........Someday, I will forget, but I guess you already did....

It Is Ok

For the first time in my life, I might actually believe that..that this life could work. Well I suppose we should see...oh and guess what, I didn't those people who left me hurting and in pain by the side of the road of life...huh, go fucking figure ^^

In Hidden Pain

So today, and yesterday, I have been ill. Bleh. I do not like being so. Well, to a point I don't, in the fact that it can be so agonizing. I use to wish to fall ill so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrid hell I worked in. Sigh, I am a sad existence, yes? I do like being so because it puts me on the edge of something I long for. A small brink of a sorrowful ending. Sometimes, I wish I had never loved, never reached out. Just remained hidden to the world, so that taking my life wouldn't be selfish. It's pathetic but that's the only reason I stay here. That I don't banish myself to hell or whatever. Don't worry about me. I wish he didn't love me so much. I wish he didn't care, so that it wouldn't hurt, if only for a short time, but pain him. He says it will. Part of me thinks it would be a release. A burden lifted. Sigh, but I know he does truly love me. So I know in that it would hurt him. So I suppose I will continue to hide here, in this suffering. In this pain.

Till this Time

So right now I get that you don't get it. So stop. Just let me live my LIFE. It's not yours. If you are not going to care about WHO I am then, just stop, just go away. I'm tired of all the hate. Of all the pain. If you get let me be me, then this will never be. Its so terribly true. My sadness consumes me. I have discovered the pressure you placed on me to sink me down. You and him and her and they. All for what and all for why? This journey is becoming to much for me to handle...Like you would really care if I ended it tonight?

The Soul Journey

So I have decided to make this blog a visual for me, and others, as I take this journey to find myself. It will be a road of long coming in discovery. I will be searching and researching the religion of the earth, the spiritual source that calls to me. Please don't judge. Don't correct. This is for me. And those who want something to follow. This is not a place to violently criticize. I want hope. I want love. I long to know myself for what i was meant to be. my Past took that from me. I sacrificed myself for 25 years, for nothing. This will  be an undoing, a rebirth. I have had many struggles. I have had much pain. I have had many turmoils. I am not bragging. I am not proclaiming to be more of a martyr then you or whoever. This is my declaration of my truths and my exploration of my soul. Feel free to join me, and know there is love here. For that is what I desire.