Airing Of Grievances

I could say there is much for me to feel ill about. So much pain. Sigh. But I can't feel angry. I think I was for bits, and some times for pieces, but never wholly or continually. I just cannot feel that way. I feel sorrow, overbearing sorrow. Sadness. So much. It is to much. Weighing me down. I feel like crying out my tears and my fears for all the world to hear, alas they will fall on def ears. Like they have for all my life. And now I sit alone, wanting nothing to do with this world, ever again. So much easier to just hide away. To die. Sigh. I just can't take all this horror in my head. Repeating over and over everything, so disgusting. And people dare to label that love. If that is so...i don't want it.....so in this i will....grieve....

Life Is Death

There is this rotting pain, deep in my stomach. Churning, burning, fuming...disgusting. I feel hurt. I feel hate. I feel...to much. I feel numb.
The memories burned in to the back of my eye lids that haunt me in my sleep. But darkness fills my days. My mind can't make sense of it all, sadly, my body does. The reactions of actions taken so long ago, or maybe not that long ago.
Some children were killed today. By a very broken person. They morn for the children. I can see why. I wish I could be one of them...so I would have to deal with the shit I've been through. So I could be set free. But yeah, morn for them. I suppose I do. Innocence lost. Souls who watched, burdened, forever, Stained. This society doesn't care enough about the things that could help this...no we talk about guns and rights. That man had a right. Not to kill. Not to hurt. That is never a right. Taking a life is a heavy burden, any one who can so willing rip life away, well, there are consequences for them.
Life should be seen as precious. He was broken, and not enough was done to save that man...who could have saved all those children...
But what does this society care about other peoples "issues". Nothing, right?
Mental health is a big deal. But we don't make it that. Violence. We accept it, unless it happens in real life or to us. We are a sick country. It isn't about the guns. It isn't about our rights. It is about our communities and our health. Two things that have slid dip into the ditch where no one cares to look or dig it up out of. This will continue to happen. People will die in awful ways.
People will kill themselves.
People will treat others like shit.
Because...we have lost our morals.
We have lost it all.
Because we are not as caring a community as we claim. Or today wouldn't have happened. Stress is a killer, and it doesn't care who it takes down or how many. Evil lurks in the sweetest of places.
Those of us who have to sit and morn alone, for the prices we've had to pay for evil, for the crimes silently made against us. The nation will never know. They will never, ever care. If anything I suffer more because, why, well it isn't ever simple. Wicked people are broken people. People society pushes aside, ignores them and hopes they will go away.
You as a society created this. and you know it.
There are worse things that happen every day and we can't scream loud enough for anyone to care, especially never morn, for the things we have lost and will never, ever get back.
I am a sad lonely creature who will probably die alone. But so what. No one will morn for me.
Something I am to slowly coming to terms with.
I once was so in love with love, and service and hope, and joy, and life....but they stole that and now I seem nothing more then an old bitter crone....so sad,

Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn

Life Not Lived

I never wanted to live this long. I believed when I was young, I truly believed, that I would be dead by thirty. I had thought there might have been people would care if I no longer existed. As I have grown that belief in people has just about vanished. We've all had it, that experience, some worse then others, the disappointment. Sometimes its is so god damned painful you can feel it in your heart, forever, for life. I believe you will even be cursed in the afterlife with the sorrow. So many times. So often the pain. I fight to die. What is there to live for?

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...

Is This Life

I hate being afraid. Being scared. Being frightened. I thought that I wanted to live. Now I am not so sure. I mean, what it there to look forward to...people who get a thrill out of hurting you. Never feeling safe. Will I ever feel safe? Sigh. There is no guarantee. Can't trust anyone. I watch these shows about people dying, slowly, painfully, wishing it were me. My mind just wonders there. It always has. Expect when Sora is around, he makes me feel alive. As if I really want to live. Sigh. But each time he brings me back to life, I feel like dying again from the contact I make with others. People who say things like "friends", "family", "love", caring", blah, blah, blah...lie after lie. Sigh. I fell for each one, out of fear. Fear that it will won't really be there. Fear of...well. I suppose I can't really describe to the fear of people you love or care about, unless of course it has happened to you. To think to that to be loved was to have bruises, blood, nightmares, fear of never actually waking. To think, just imagine, that was a way of life. To live in constant fear. Terror. But never with Sora. I wish We could just live. I wish. I wish I didn't have so much fear that I can feel it. In every part of my body, the pain. Headaches come and go. My digestive system can't seem to handle the sorrow, the fear, the hurt. My back goes out. My teeth. My heart. So will I die or will I live? All I have is Sora, I think some days I feel so broken that I am not worth fixing...

My Nights Alone

It's that time of the week. Where I become the lonely, heart broken blogger sifting through the memories that refuse to stop haunting me. And when Sora is off making bare-bones living for us, that amazing man, I get so sad. I still am in no state to fight for the relationships that I once thought were so important. As I fell down they all sorta trickled of the side and far out of sight. When I am broken, why is there no one there for me? I really should be content. I have a man that loves me more then anything that this world could ever give and beyond. I am just struggling I suppose. It's not very easy to calm a raging see of lost emotions, broken feeling and dark memories. I feel so alone when he is at work and I sit in my bed, thinking. In reality, life is amazing right now. It's beautiful. We are on our way up and out. With a few more small bumps to over come. But the heart ache of a lifetime is so hard to get over, to forget, to move. So much of it seems so fresh. Its incredibly hard not to feel it. But feel so much its as if you are numb. Like you can't really be alive right now. You aren't really feeling anything. Nothing truly happened. Did it? I think sometimes I try to hard to convince myself it was all a bad dream. Twenty-six years, if only. I blog. I write. I draw. Mess with my photos. And yet I just cannot shake this loneliness. The sadness of not being the friend I thought I was. I guess I just was that good of one, to be fought for as I fade away into blackness. Slowly letting my sadness eat away at me. Soul and heart and flesh. I am just so tire of being depressed. And I wish that it could be so as easy as just a choice. I mean come on. I eat as healthy as I am able. I exercise. I'm not to fat. I get sun. I walk my puppy. I hug and cuddle. I take pill upon pill upon pill upon pill to stabilize my mind and hormones so I don't jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I were insane. The funny kind. The really smart kind. So I could make friends in my head. I'm just tired of the one always trying to hold on. Fighting for love. I just want to be loved. To be told that I am worth being on this earth. That everything I experienced doesn't define me. To be needed. Over and over again until my life ends. So this is mostly why I blog. To get it out. To set the words free, or they will kill me. Even if I don't matter to anyone at least my blog is here. I do have Sora. I hope doesn't leave me. He says I'm not clingy, or to needy. It's so hard to believe that he loves me, that he is in love with me. Yea, I think to much.

Missing You, NO

Have you ever had that experience, where you miss something but you don't want to be missing it? Something that hurt you, but that something use to be that something that was worth having around. That something that made you smile. You wanted it there. To be around. It made you smile. Then, there was the pain. You couldn't understand why. Why did it have to hurt so much? Then it became all the time. But I loved. Loved a lot. So much. To much. Still do. Always will. But it doesn't matter. Lies turned to truth it is was no more, and all I am left with is the memory, the pain, the sorrow, the missing. Its not anyone cares. Which will be OK. I guess. Right now it defiantly does not feel that way. No, it hurts. A Lot. More than I like. Sigh. Why? why? I'm tired of this sadness that follows me. Just when I was starting to feel so bright. I love this time of year. I hate it now even more. Summer. Had always been my favorite. That's when the memories began. That's when it was over. So now I'm stuck missing things I don't want to, its not east to let go, I'm not even sure I know how...at all......part of me doesn't want to....I need to.........Someday, I will forget, but I guess you already did....