I Hate Life

It's that simple...the end....until some one can god damn prove me wrong...fuck life......it'll hang soon

Being With People

I found out today I can't remember how. I wonder if I ever really have. It made me so sad. I don't feel normal. What ever that means. When I look back most of my memories are covered in pain. I feel like crying. Am I even human? Some one who only knows abuse as love? They say that's not true, that that isn't love, if it hurts...then why did they say that? what is...real love.....i  thought I knew...

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Why Stay Here

Sora got upset with me last night. He is moving up so well, even when so many would think in some ways it a failure or at least not some one with high ambition. That isn't true thought, he is amazing. I believe, well I use to believe, that everyone had potential for good and greatness. Hm, yea. Sora, however, is proof at least a few, or, ha, one person is. He struggles, he hurts, he is real. I know others can see his dependability. His amazingness. His pure love and willingness to do what needs to be done. He is all about chivalry and courtesy, especially with me. He truly loves me. Always has, from the beginning. Always will, forever will. I told him, I was an obstacle. In the way of his success. His life. I am such a downer. It's so unbearable to be with me. Sigh. I feel as if I am such a black blot on the world. I wish so much, well most of the time, tht he would just let me end my life...

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...

What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

Without A Support

I have been reading some of my books again. One in particular called unsafe people. Again, I have discovered my weaknesses and wrongs. But also truths that I had begun to doubt. One being support. After so much turmoil from any "christian" community I became a firm believer that the bible was a lie in that we are to have support amongst friends. That the "church" should be a place of healing, grace, truth and acceptance, was all a huge, ugly lie. I kept hearing, only god. don't trust people. The biggest reason I struggled with being set free from my weakness', the blemish of falling for unsafe people, a big part [if not thee biggest part] of that was I never, ever had that support. Ever. I was condemned and hurt and disgraced. How could I love my self if the people god had left to love the world hated me? Sora has been my only support, and even he hadn't been there all the time until he had to see what he needed to be, what I needed to be safe, to be free. I never had a group of people to support me. To help me. I was working for people who didn't care about me. If I didn't do what they wanted, how they wanted I was, wrong. I was never built up, ever at that place. By some individuals who have chosen to not be apart of it, I had. The rest brought me down. Against the scripture they clung to. I found how hard you can fall when the people you expect to lift you up, hold you up, help you up push down. I am still having trouble believing it is worth it to be around people. I can't even get myself to, well to be anything for the time. People frighten me. They hurt. They can't be trusted. Except Sora, My beloved Sora, he is my everything.

Abuse In Solitude

These past months of solitude have shown me much about myself. For the first time in my life, since before I could remember, I have been completely removed from every and any kind of abuse. Never ever feeling safe. Not knowing what real love was. I have what been able to see what my heart and soul had been twistedly molded into. This deformed, rejected creature who was more then willing to let the monsters steal whatever they wanted from me. My flesh. My virtues. My emotions. My feelings. My heart. My dreams. My hopes. Anything that would make me, well alive, living, breathing, independent. A person of free will. Capable of caring for myself. I was a robot controlled by the first beast to take the controls. No self-esteem, no self-worth. I was a weakling trying to play strong. A part I failed at. All those I looked up to. Hoping to help me. Took more. I never got help. Just more a abuse. I trusted them. They never saw how hurt I was. They kept blaming me. I was wrong. I was hurt, broken. That was wrong? Why? Why did you let it happen?  Why didn't you save me from the pain like you said you would? Why didn't you protect me like you promised? I was alone. You blamed me for being a victim? I had no security. I wasn't safe. I thought the only way out was death. You made me believe I wasn't loved, I couldn't be. I was no good. All I was worth was less then your garbage. Is it my fault for not knowing I wasn't ever really loved? Was it my fault for thinking it was ok to be beaten, taken advantage of, with no words to speak? Was it my fault for being afraid of brutal monsters eating flesh, my soul? Am I not human, simply because each person I opened my heart to, willingly molested, beat, shredded and left my heart to die in filthy pits, because I didn't know how to stop it? Because I believed that was love?

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.

This Time Away

I haven't spent much time near the tech world lately, simply because I wanted to focus. I feel it a dire distraction from the need of peace I find myself searching for. It has been a mind boggling concept for me, striving for inner peace, yet here I sit typing away my truths. It bewilders me to know only a few months ago I had been saved from slashing away at my body. That I have gone from needing to take the very breath from my lungs to taking in long deep breathes of the delightful ocean breezes that I daily encounter. I find myself striving for...hope, a word a dare not add to my bitter vocabulary. All this from the bloom flower of love from my dear, sweet Sora. How passionate his love is for my very existence, my blood flow is precious to him as fine jewels. He has given me more love, compassion, care then I thought could ever be graced upon my sorrowful heart. Yes, I sit here finding myself longing for a future I did not want to exist in months past. So much has changed. I have been given the chance to live like I never, ever have before. His unconditional and non-judgmental ways have left me speechless and long for more of the warm gifted in his strong embrace. So now that I have had way to much time to just think, I sit and contemplate my purpose along with the reasons for my trials and sufferings. A long road I have traveled for the soul purpose of loving other, now I walk a path of self love to envelope my world with. I am learning to be at peace with my. To let the raging storms of each emotion play out then reap from them bountiful harvest of rich character. I will know myself by what I am through all that was for the simple, yet immaculate, reason of loving.