What I Am

A warrior. Fighting for the truth. Fighting for true love. Sigh, awwwawwwwwwwwww, I am so in love it's silly. Hee, hee. I am so proud to be married to just a great man, a gentleman. Hmm, sigh. He does make my life a better place to be. I am a lover. Of my beloveds soul. Heart. Spirit. It is an amazing sight to see. We are doing what we can to be who we are. True love.
I have discovered so much about myself in the last year. It has been really great. To be me, and be happy about that. I can never imagine being some one else. I especially cannot see my self with anyone else, they just could never measure up.

I feel Lost

I don't know why, for sure, the actually reasons. I hurt. I'm lonely. I'm crying. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't. I cant do this. I just feel done. Wonder aimlessly through the forest. Shock my brain into amnesia...forget what so many have forgotten. Forget what so many have no idea.

How To Live

Today I've found I'm not myself. I don't know is i ever was. Broken. Forever. But maybe I have worth. I was told today by a stranger, some one I barely know, that I do. I don't know what to think about it. I can't process it, really. How do I deal? I do I survive? How do I live....

You Treat Her

I love twitter, so to speak, as much as you can love a spacial thing without it be any true form of love, it keeps my mind simplified. It is the easiest way for me to swallow the news without becoming more depressed or frightened. I like reading the quotes, making me thing, observe, consider my life in these words. There is this one I have seen often and written several variations, however, simply it goes as such: Her attitude is based on how YOU treat her. I believe to be a true statement, or so I thought. Then I realized that agreement is recent, very so. I use to have an attitude of compassion no matter how I was being treated. So for me this statement has been so very false it is pathetic in my head, or maybe it was an ok response. I always just wanted to love people, show them they are worth life, living, good things. But I never believed that about myself. My attitude had always been set on the needs of others, even through my abuse, I never blamed the abuser, I was just weak, or maybe that was the only way I would ever feel love, was through pain. I just needed to sacrifice everything I was, so others can be happy. Reading this quote I have come to realize how deformed my idea of self-care had become, how much I thought I was worth very little if not nothing at all.

What About Storms

I really love them, I at least that is what I might say. They could be wonderful. They could be sweet. Listening to the rain come down, listening to it pour. The wind whipping tree, the wind tossing waves. So glorious a sight. So mighty a fright. What a time to cuddle, bundle, and read.
I sorta still feel that way...
But it's not like I actually hate them, I just hate them. Storms. Remindeers of my turmoil of a life. raging like the open see in hurricane winds. no shelter. No hope. No survival. Ship wrecked and broken and sunken to the bottom of the sea. Storms, reminding me of my loneliness, so close and yet so far, so distant are we. Family, friends, who are they? This storm goes on for days. Locking me inside, reminding me of my cage. They places I could never escape, no matter what I tried. Death wouldn't even free me from those horrid claws, with such an evil grasp. Yes storms remind me of the darkness daily consuming me. No light will ever shine here because the sun has died on this dreary planet. Alone in space to drowned. They are such awful things, storms. Taking away the little joys in life giving you no reason to hope. Hold noting close, for it will surly be swept away. god awful storms...

Beware Your Heart

Beware what you set your heart upon for it shall surely be yours" -Ralph Waldo Emerson. Whether is a conscious or unconscious thought, desire. Even if it was something forced into our hearts, built there by others, we will inevitably fall to it. Whatever our heart have been set up upon. It is so sad. To be a product of such. What a horrible price one must pay for the burdens of others. Why is it the weak are blamed for the wicked ways of the broken, corrupted bitter souls of this world? I am so weak. So sad. So broken. I have no faith. In people. in anything. In myself. I never, ever have...

Who You Are

"Tell me who loves thee, and I shall tell you who you are", Or something like that. A quote. By a Aristotle I believe  not sure though. For most of my life that has been abusers. So what did that make me? I am not entirely sure. I feel myself waning. So many times, wanting to not exist. But then I see his eyes or read the words of my favorite philosophers and poets, and I feel alive. I want to be known by the love my Sora gives. Even if it is only one person who loves me. I think I could live. His love his so amazing, so deep, so strong. Not demanding, no fear, no shame or guilt. Nothing to tell me I'm worthless. I am so mystified by his love for me. I, at the small moments of time, dream to show the world what love really is, by reflecting what he gives. The only one to sacrifice. To fight. to save. To never, ever give up. To look past the pain. To discover my weakness, my burden, my shame of wanting pain. And he just simply but complicatedly just loves me, forever.

Till this Time

So right now I get that you don't get it. So stop. Just let me live my LIFE. It's not yours. If you are not going to care about WHO I am then, just stop, just go away. I'm tired of all the hate. Of all the pain. If you get let me be me, then this will never be. Its so terribly true. My sadness consumes me. I have discovered the pressure you placed on me to sink me down. You and him and her and they. All for what and all for why? This journey is becoming to much for me to handle...Like you would really care if I ended it tonight?