Did I Survive

I know what it is like to die. To want to surrender life. To, in a sense, stop feeling. To be so numb. To not exist. Like what I was created an empty place in space and time. So alone and lonely. So pressed down, depression had become my identity.
Hope was very far gone from everything close. To me my purpose was to not be. I understood hamlet well.
I had forsaken God, for I had believed he had done the same.
But I was wrong. He had never left. He had always been there. I had chosen to believe that pain was the only choice. That fear of everything else was so much great. I lived that choice and paid a great price for it.
But he sat patently waiting for me to turn to him. To run with everything so he could take it. He loves me so much, and yet I doubted him. That is unforgivable. And yet he has done just that, forgiven me.
There is hope in the middle of the storms. Even when we choose to let go, but even more so when we choose to cling to his. Amazing love. I have no doubt that God is alive.

Got It Out

Glad I got that one out, sigh, I guess that I just really need to get it off my chest sometimes, haha. Sigh. I am, soooooooooooooo in love, hehee, sorry....I was just thinking, and it sorta just came over, teehee, more then that even, I suppose, I just like knowing how incredible he is. No one better for me. And I am not fond of wind. But man, was it ever a great day today, weather wise. I hope there can be a fun adventure for us tomorrow...oh yea, heehee, my beloved, sigh....becoming free, um, er, I just can't help but fall for his charm. Hhmmmmm, my sweet, sweet darling, how I long for his arms around me, my sanctuary...ooo poem?

What I Am

A warrior. Fighting for the truth. Fighting for true love. Sigh, awwwawwwwwwwwww, I am so in love it's silly. Hee, hee. I am so proud to be married to just a great man, a gentleman. Hmm, sigh. He does make my life a better place to be. I am a lover. Of my beloveds soul. Heart. Spirit. It is an amazing sight to see. We are doing what we can to be who we are. True love.
I have discovered so much about myself in the last year. It has been really great. To be me, and be happy about that. I can never imagine being some one else. I especially cannot see my self with anyone else, they just could never measure up.

Please Take Two

Take two minutes everyday

For freedom and liberty

For every man and woman who have GIVEN THEIR LIVES in these pursuits through the centuries and across the world

Remember in silence their deaths given, freely, but with such a hi high price

American Revolution War – 50,000+

French-American War – 556+

War of 1812 – 25,000+

American Civil War – 646,392+

Spanish-American War – 4,068+

World War I – 320,518+ [missing3,350+]

World War II – 1,076,245+ [30,314+]

Korean War – 128,650+ [4,756+]

Vietnam War – Cold war – 211,454+ [2,489]

War on Terror – 96,860+

1775-present death total of American fighters= 2,722,991*

[*including multiple Indian/Island/Expeditions/Other nations -/Wars 0f 1813-1848]

Take two minutes every day for the DEATHS of World Earthly Disaster

Indonesia Tsunami - 230,273–310,000

Haiti Earthquake - 316,000

Burma Cyclones - 138,366

Katrina – 1,836

…and so many more

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Famine every day

Who starve to death, everyday

25,000 People Every Day

1 in 6 Americans

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Aids every day

1.5 million Every year

At least 4110 every day

One Every 20 Seconds

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Malaria every day

About 1 million every year

%90 of them in Africa

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Poverty Every day

People Die of Disease and Hunger and

Could be fed

Saved

Cost 195 billion a year

That is a about $30 a month per person

A Dollar a day to

Feed, Medicate, Clothe, and Educate

All people who need it worldwide

Take two minutes every day for all those Modern Slaves every day

Worldwide

12 – 27 million Worldwide are slaves

Today

2.45 million people are being trafficked in the world at any given moment

half of those being trafficked are for commercial sex exploitation

Take two minutes every day for all those who DIE from Suicide Every day

About 300,000 worldwide

30,000 or so are within the US

750,000 or so Americans attempt suicide every year

About 82 a day complete that attempt

Take two minutes every day for all those who must DEAL with repercussions on Rape/Sexual Assault every day in the US

207,754 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year

That are report in the US

1 sexual assault every 152 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.

2 minutes

That last for a lifetime

Take two minutes every day for all those who SUFFER from a Mental Illness, including Eating disorders

estimated 26.2 percent of Americans ages 18 and older, about one in four adults, suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder a year

57.7 million People

In the US

1 in 17, suffer from a serious mental illness

Take at least 20 minutes everything to think about others

Give silence and respect for those who die and suffer

And ask yourself

Who am I and what am I doing?

Don’t compare

Just

REMEMBER

Justice In Death

As I travel through this predicament, this pain, I have beliefs. An understanding, of myself.
I am weak.
If I can't make it through this, if I die, killed by another, if my body can't take it any longer, if I take my own life, or when, I hope it will be a truth told to the world....
How the justice system can turn on a victim
How cruel they can be.
How they can blame me for what was forced upon me. The horrible things I was made to do.
The shame I am made to endure...all for the sake of others.
To protect those who came to hate me because of the monster who consumed me, body and soul. Took everything from me, and continues to try.
I want my death to proclaim the injustice given to victims world wide.
Mostly the women of the world, but also those men who where forced to endure horrible things.
When the wombs that carry the life of the world are tortured and treated as objects, as things, then the entire world suffers. This is a truth we cannot escape.
But why should be made to continue on in this life with these disgusting memories? Why should I have to pay the price, again, for the crimes of another?
I am tortured daily by the reminder of what I was made to do...just, so others would not suffer as I had, so that others would not die, so that those I loved would not be harmed.
Now I sit here dying because my body rejects everything that had been forced upon it. Can I ever live a normal life? Can I live?
I believe that answer to be know. Now one should be punished for the disgusting things that have been forced upon me.
The Pain.
The shame.
The horror.
And the fact that if I die, in a way they do win, but maybe other's will be saved, will be heard.
Because while I lived many did not listen.
They let it happen.
They punished me for the pain I was suffering.
They let it happen. And made me pay for it.
What is the point..........
There is no such thing as justice.....

Happy Engagement Day

As it comes to an end. As the day closes and opens to a new one. As we pass on this day of celebration of so many wonderful years promised to each other, my beloved and I. We are forever, we are one, till the end.

Airing Of Grievances

I could say there is much for me to feel ill about. So much pain. Sigh. But I can't feel angry. I think I was for bits, and some times for pieces, but never wholly or continually. I just cannot feel that way. I feel sorrow, overbearing sorrow. Sadness. So much. It is to much. Weighing me down. I feel like crying out my tears and my fears for all the world to hear, alas they will fall on def ears. Like they have for all my life. And now I sit alone, wanting nothing to do with this world, ever again. So much easier to just hide away. To die. Sigh. I just can't take all this horror in my head. Repeating over and over everything, so disgusting. And people dare to label that love. If that is so...i don't want it.....so in this i will....grieve....

Hear My Complaint

No one wants to hear you complain, to hear your words, or understand there pain.
I can understand a Boundry, a line that shouldn't be crossed.
But if I have no one tot turn to when I need to talk...well then what do I do?
You not listening tells me I'm not worth it, that you have better things to attend to. That my place on this earth isn't worth considering. That my feelings and emotions are trash in this world of garbage that you just do not want to touch.
Who do I have if I am alone?
Honestly, I believe we are not meant to be alone. If we were, why are there so many of us? And if only certain people are precious, why were the rest of us born? If only a few are meant to be saved. Why bother at all with that claim, all are loved? Its a lie. It's a crime. Shameful to believe I am worth breathing at all.
You have left me speechless, because why speak if I will never be heard. Why be honest if it only hurts? You never care so then what happens...
People who are not heard find away...through pain...through suffering.....through burns....When people hurt, if not cared for, will hurt others, or themselves.
I hurt myself.
I am alone.
I don't matter.
I never did.
Did I?
All I ever wanted to was to let the world know they are loved....and all it did in return was kick me away, breaking me into pieces, and shattering my life to nothing.
If no one is willing to listen, even when I do, I always did, I was always there, no matter at what cost to me...but no, not for me. I am nothing and no one will listen to nothing....

Life Is Death

There is this rotting pain, deep in my stomach. Churning, burning, fuming...disgusting. I feel hurt. I feel hate. I feel...to much. I feel numb.
The memories burned in to the back of my eye lids that haunt me in my sleep. But darkness fills my days. My mind can't make sense of it all, sadly, my body does. The reactions of actions taken so long ago, or maybe not that long ago.
Some children were killed today. By a very broken person. They morn for the children. I can see why. I wish I could be one of them...so I would have to deal with the shit I've been through. So I could be set free. But yeah, morn for them. I suppose I do. Innocence lost. Souls who watched, burdened, forever, Stained. This society doesn't care enough about the things that could help this...no we talk about guns and rights. That man had a right. Not to kill. Not to hurt. That is never a right. Taking a life is a heavy burden, any one who can so willing rip life away, well, there are consequences for them.
Life should be seen as precious. He was broken, and not enough was done to save that man...who could have saved all those children...
But what does this society care about other peoples "issues". Nothing, right?
Mental health is a big deal. But we don't make it that. Violence. We accept it, unless it happens in real life or to us. We are a sick country. It isn't about the guns. It isn't about our rights. It is about our communities and our health. Two things that have slid dip into the ditch where no one cares to look or dig it up out of. This will continue to happen. People will die in awful ways.
People will kill themselves.
People will treat others like shit.
Because...we have lost our morals.
We have lost it all.
Because we are not as caring a community as we claim. Or today wouldn't have happened. Stress is a killer, and it doesn't care who it takes down or how many. Evil lurks in the sweetest of places.
Those of us who have to sit and morn alone, for the prices we've had to pay for evil, for the crimes silently made against us. The nation will never know. They will never, ever care. If anything I suffer more because, why, well it isn't ever simple. Wicked people are broken people. People society pushes aside, ignores them and hopes they will go away.
You as a society created this. and you know it.
There are worse things that happen every day and we can't scream loud enough for anyone to care, especially never morn, for the things we have lost and will never, ever get back.
I am a sad lonely creature who will probably die alone. But so what. No one will morn for me.
Something I am to slowly coming to terms with.
I once was so in love with love, and service and hope, and joy, and life....but they stole that and now I seem nothing more then an old bitter crone....so sad,

I Can't See

I feel as if I am always being watched. As if eyes are on me. Even in my dark empty room. Some thing creepy about, ready to pounce. Sigh such a creepy, creepy feeling I get. Terrified that I will be caught. I will be captured. That I will never escape from the horrors that still haunt my memories and my dreams. Marks I bare will never be seen. But I hurt all the same. Pain here. Pain there, a pain to remind me of care that I gave. Of gifts that were stolen. Ouch, I can't seem to take enough pain killers...or sleep aids...god I just want to be free...

I Hate Life

It's that simple...the end....until some one can god damn prove me wrong...fuck life......it'll hang soon

We Went Shopping

I hate it. I love it. It tires me so. As does it him. The people. The aesthetics. I become so overwhelmed by all the.....stuff. But I have this little thing were I really do like to buy things, specific things. I don't just like buying. I have goals. Items in which I have found a desire to own. Which I find weird. Cause I do not like wanting. I feel it a sin to want anything. There are so many who have nothing. Sigh. I've been there. Having nothing. I am sooooo there mentally and spiritually. I am completely empty. I feel like shopping helps sometimes. I feel worth something when I spend money. Well even more so when he spends it on me. Mm. Sigh but I feel guilty all the time. I'm glad we don't do it often. I much rather enjoy our cuddle time. He is so incredible at it. I got lost in him, my teddy bear.

I'm In Love

You know to much and yet you don't know me at all. You have listened but never heard a word of my story. You can think about the ideas, but never comprehend if you yourself have no means to compare it with. You can't ever tell someone you understand. Yes, you may understand pain, but you will never understand my story...and you never even try. So distant. I don't feel human. Stripped bare for all to see and yet know one has a single idea at what they are looking at. They can't comprehend the tortured soul lain out before them, exposed.
I wish my tears meant something. I wish I was loved. I wish I was cared for. I wish all those souls I loved so dearly actually loved me.
It's ok I'll move on or die. I have found that I am finding me. I am broken, and no one understands it all under this skin.
My beloved, my dear, my sweet, my wish, my prince...he keeps fighting for me, I am his, all his. He can have every inch of me. It isn't worth much. But,god, I will love him with ever atom creating my body.
You don't know this...but I am in love.

I feel Lost

I don't know why, for sure, the actually reasons. I hurt. I'm lonely. I'm crying. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't. I cant do this. I just feel done. Wonder aimlessly through the forest. Shock my brain into amnesia...forget what so many have forgotten. Forget what so many have no idea.

Being With People

I found out today I can't remember how. I wonder if I ever really have. It made me so sad. I don't feel normal. What ever that means. When I look back most of my memories are covered in pain. I feel like crying. Am I even human? Some one who only knows abuse as love? They say that's not true, that that isn't love, if it hurts...then why did they say that? what is...real love.....i  thought I knew...

Hating My Nightmares

I take medications to quiet them and still, they find ways o haunt me. To get into my head. My scramble the reception of a clean mind. Mumble, mumble. haha. I hate those nightmares. Especially the ones with those demons. The ones that chase me. The ones that did the most in human things possible. Making me feel the worthlessness I am. It seems to seep into every pore, and nothing I can do makes it go away, I can't even wash enough. eventually it fades to a mild ping, a small thought, a distant memory. What a curse. What a fear. Ha, who knew caring for people could be such a crime. Loving the broken really does get you crucified. I am no saviour. I am a sad, worthless creature who cannot find any purpose more then that of pain. Maybe I need stronger medication...

How To Live

Today I've found I'm not myself. I don't know is i ever was. Broken. Forever. But maybe I have worth. I was told today by a stranger, some one I barely know, that I do. I don't know what to think about it. I can't process it, really. How do I deal? I do I survive? How do I live....

Watching A Movie

Cuddling with my beloved. Trying to stay cozy on this chilly night. I love him. He bought me a Japanese peace lily today. I think I am having a moment a happiness...scary.

You Treat Her

I love twitter, so to speak, as much as you can love a spacial thing without it be any true form of love, it keeps my mind simplified. It is the easiest way for me to swallow the news without becoming more depressed or frightened. I like reading the quotes, making me thing, observe, consider my life in these words. There is this one I have seen often and written several variations, however, simply it goes as such: Her attitude is based on how YOU treat her. I believe to be a true statement, or so I thought. Then I realized that agreement is recent, very so. I use to have an attitude of compassion no matter how I was being treated. So for me this statement has been so very false it is pathetic in my head, or maybe it was an ok response. I always just wanted to love people, show them they are worth life, living, good things. But I never believed that about myself. My attitude had always been set on the needs of others, even through my abuse, I never blamed the abuser, I was just weak, or maybe that was the only way I would ever feel love, was through pain. I just needed to sacrifice everything I was, so others can be happy. Reading this quote I have come to realize how deformed my idea of self-care had become, how much I thought I was worth very little if not nothing at all.

The Wind Blows

It feels as if this storm does not want to stop, as if it really has no intention to do so. I am in a way fine with that. I tried to keep myself asleep for, well ever if I could, last night, Sigh. I know I really don't need to work hard at it. But I believe I must prove something first. It is more to show. That I was not wrong, but very much wrong, then left to be feed to the wolves. I had never been so shocked I think, to know how cold supposed people who follow a doctrine of love could. I had always tried to believe that those places where indeed where you could find unconditional love. No hoops to jump trough, just love me through this. I had hoped I would be rescued, Instead I feel like I was lead before the people with a false crime and told I was to be stoned. And so I was. But those that judge in the stead of god's will pay a great price, according to their writings. I am not afraid of this. Indeed, for I know Iwas not wrong, it was not me. Being batter and broken and forcing to hide it to save lives, well, how can that be wrong. I do wish this storm would blow me away, far, far away from people and their cruelties. Their harmful words and brutal actions. Sigh, I wish I would stop crying, so I can smile for him. Maybe that is a goal. To try and smile. So simple yet so very difficult. I wish I had the strength of the wind. To know when weather must be pulled in or pushed out or just chill and enjoy the ride. Yes, the wind, what a wise being.