Missing The Pain

Right now, sadly, I'm missing peoples who don't care whether I am breathing or not. Sigh, I wonder if there is any monetary actions that I could embrace that would not cause some seething pain. I swear, I am pathetic. Yes of course I am. I like pain. I like to be hurt. I believe that this is all I deserve and ever will. The sadness of that truth consumes me. Why bother. Wasting air. How do you deal with this? I can't imagine letting go of these scars that I have held to for so very long. It could be sad. I mean I do feel sad, incredibly. But I like it. I guess I like the hurt so much because that is all I can remember ever truly feeling most of my life. Love for me is this concept that as long as I am being used up by something, then I am being loved. My reward is, well pain. Suffering. Sorrow. A sad existence. But don't worry I'll put myself out of my misery soon. Not today, but someday soon.