This Time Away

I haven't spent much time near the tech world lately, simply because I wanted to focus. I feel it a dire distraction from the need of peace I find myself searching for. It has been a mind boggling concept for me, striving for inner peace, yet here I sit typing away my truths. It bewilders me to know only a few months ago I had been saved from slashing away at my body. That I have gone from needing to take the very breath from my lungs to taking in long deep breathes of the delightful ocean breezes that I daily encounter. I find myself striving for...hope, a word a dare not add to my bitter vocabulary. All this from the bloom flower of love from my dear, sweet Sora. How passionate his love is for my very existence, my blood flow is precious to him as fine jewels. He has given me more love, compassion, care then I thought could ever be graced upon my sorrowful heart. Yes, I sit here finding myself longing for a future I did not want to exist in months past. So much has changed. I have been given the chance to live like I never, ever have before. His unconditional and non-judgmental ways have left me speechless and long for more of the warm gifted in his strong embrace. So now that I have had way to much time to just think, I sit and contemplate my purpose along with the reasons for my trials and sufferings. A long road I have traveled for the soul purpose of loving other, now I walk a path of self love to envelope my world with. I am learning to be at peace with my. To let the raging storms of each emotion play out then reap from them bountiful harvest of rich character. I will know myself by what I am through all that was for the simple, yet immaculate, reason of loving.

Life On Pause

Today I had to face a feeling I have felt so very often. Emptiness. It comes from the not truly being able to face the fact that I am changed, different. That the life I was will never ever be. I am so saddened by this fact. It seems so terrible. And all that is left behind. No one can ever truly understand. I am scared to start over. He gives me courage to try, to try for a future. I feel as if I can't go forward. But in actuality this is a repeat of my past. Trusting those who couldn't be trusted. Loving those who didn't deserve or want my heart. I have repeatedly given myself over to broken hearts to shatter what small pieces of my soul remained from the times before. There some things time can heal. I have over come much. But there are several things that seem as if they shall forever remain.

In Today's Light

I found myself hurting. And yet there has been this point of being set free that has, well, given me much and taken much away. It is both a good and a bad, in my opinion. But I could actually be on a road to life, for the first time since I was pulled into this world. I always seem to hurt. Do all people? I want to be social, and yet it seems so much easier and safer not to be. Oh dear me. I hate the past, and yet it has given me so god damn much. Well, it was on for a bit lets see how far this will stay on. Will I really find a life worth living? Thanx Love, for shining the light on me...

Life In Motion

So things just keep moving, like that annoying quote says, the world does not stop when we are in pain. No, oh sadly no. What we feel is not cared about around the world, by anyone in the world. We become so consumed in our pain we cant see that no one is looking, caring. After a time we begin to long others to pay some, if even small amount, of attention. Just notice that I am hurting so badly. I'm suffering, how can no one care. Why can't you just stop for a time? Please, just stop and care with me, for me. Of course you've tried to keep moving, through the war that is called life. Each battle weakening, breaking the soul, the heart, the being fallen to pieces. You get to a point, that you just want, to give up. Just surrender to the pain. 
I'm still at a point of possibly surrendering to the pain, giving into death.
But maybe if there is just one...that once person, who can turn it all around.
Change your idea of life.

No Social Life

I haven't been up to talking...meh, even blogging. Sigh. Haha well at least there appears to be a difference in life and its outcomes at the moment. Yeah, I still feel the pain, the darkness. But Sora, gives me something, bit by bit, day by day. He is trying to save me. He tries so hard, its actually quiet amazing. So here today I find myself wanting...connections. Yea, ok I suppose I want, want, need, lots of loves. Yeah, well its just a thought...