What About Storms

I really love them, I at least that is what I might say. They could be wonderful. They could be sweet. Listening to the rain come down, listening to it pour. The wind whipping tree, the wind tossing waves. So glorious a sight. So mighty a fright. What a time to cuddle, bundle, and read.
I sorta still feel that way...
But it's not like I actually hate them, I just hate them. Storms. Remindeers of my turmoil of a life. raging like the open see in hurricane winds. no shelter. No hope. No survival. Ship wrecked and broken and sunken to the bottom of the sea. Storms, reminding me of my loneliness, so close and yet so far, so distant are we. Family, friends, who are they? This storm goes on for days. Locking me inside, reminding me of my cage. They places I could never escape, no matter what I tried. Death wouldn't even free me from those horrid claws, with such an evil grasp. Yes storms remind me of the darkness daily consuming me. No light will ever shine here because the sun has died on this dreary planet. Alone in space to drowned. They are such awful things, storms. Taking away the little joys in life giving you no reason to hope. Hold noting close, for it will surly be swept away. god awful storms...

Where This Goes

A road I must take. A path I must follow. I have become so weak. I don't really want to try. I really have a hard time. That is where my thoughts go. Sadness filled. Loss of will. Sorrow in every words. But oh how I love my Sora, for ever surrounding me, my only desire. But is it enough. I fight the fear. I fight the feelings. I fight the need to run red. Cut so deeply. It smells so sweetly. As it darkens where it runs. Can I hold on? Will those lies be cleansed? Those horrid things that trap me here. The wicked web weaved by venomous spiders dread. Why must I suffer so? Why does it always hurt? Why must these flashbacks haunt so many hours, stealing away precious time with my beloved. I am a zombie to this world. Only media can keep me unfocused, redirected. So sad. I truly wish to be set free of these wretched chains. Hiding for fear of more pain, promises of such sad things. Wicked ways are rewarded, while weak broken beings are captured and flogged. My mind keep wondering down road I wish it wouldn't. Reminding me of horrors I can't actually remember. How can this be? And why does it hurt there? My head in constant pain. I fear my liver will fail before all unravels. Truly my mind is a cruel place to reside. Darkness is my dearest friend and tells calls to me often. He wishes so me to come play, play a game I could win by sinking deeper, deeper into him. Sigh, if only. I might, if these nerves do no calm themselves, yes if they don't calm.

I Cried Today

As it rains outside. It poured in my room. The tears crashed downward to my hands, my legs, the blankets. My head throbbing. Silent weeping. Sorrow overflowing. No words. Just sadness.

To Give Respect

I use to believe that all people were given the right to my respect before I knew them, no matter what there past. I gave it freely, without question. I believed in giving a fresh chance. That is what I believed. At one time. I feel as if I can no longer trust let alone respect. I will just be devoured. Tormented. Forgotten. Broken. Shamed. I am a shell of a person. Mm. I don't know why but I am not afraid of, mm, something. I feel a freedom I have never had but I will never be the same, hm, ever. I don't know what that means...

A Pathetic You

You can't like what you never wanted. You can't desire something forced upon you. Yon can't be in love with a lie. There is no truth when it has to be made, forced, for the convenience of another, to take away from some one weaker to make yourself feel stronger. But really, when you think about it, who really is the weak one? Having to prey on the sad and hurt to feel strong. Forcing others to except you so that you can feel needed, wanted...sigh, how pathetic. I still hate myself, hate the feelings of being a victim, but at least I didn't corrupt happiness. No matter what any one tries to tell me, I only loved, even when there was pain, even it was taken, even when I wanted to die...I loved. What can the wicked say? It was all about them. So sad. What a pathetic and hopeless existence. To be so useless. To be so selfish. The world is full of people how in hell could it ever just be about you...

My Stomach Ache

Bleh, seems like an always thing. god, who knew stress could actually kill, hahaha. Sigh. Yeah, they tell me someday it will be different. Someday I'll be able to eat again. Hm, meh. I have my deepest doubts. As I do about many things. I miss studying philosophy...it gives me an ulcer now. Love of wisdom, something society has begun to through out the window without a thought. And here I sit, unable to eat. Hoping, just hoping another organ will give out, causing my end. Sigh. Who knew that my life would come to this. I am always sad and depressed, but I have a resolve. To know truth. Even if there are so many things I fear. So many things that have...left me lifeless. Sigh, oh well. Nothing I can do about what the past has done to me. I face the question now is it worth the effort to recover. I sit in group and wonder what the others see. I don't fit in even here. A place people know abuse, I suppose I could claim them as kin. All kindred souls. Longing for hope in a world filled with pain. haha all this from my tummy aching. I hate my digestive system and with the way things go it seems to hate me as well...

The People Know

It amuses me, of the reality being expressed by people hundreds of miles away, who I haven't seen in so long, who, at some points, I haven't spoken to in what seems like for ever, know. That they can know how much we are in love with each other. People who can confirm the truth, the truth that so many others try to get me to doubt. What kind of person I am. Who we are to each other, always have been. I believe we were born to be each others. Sakura and Sora forever. They know that just through my voice, through our experiences, how much love we have for each other. Unending. Unconditional. It blows my mind that so many different souls, form different places, from different walks of life, can all come to the same conclusion. Free thinkers knowing a truth about a two single, yet combined, human beings. It is like magic that cannot be explained. He never gave up on me, even when I was so ready. He never, ever, left my heart and soul alone. Thank you, those of you who have proven me wrong and believed in this love. In my love. For exposing my doubts and giving me a small seed of hope...

I Am Weak

I may be weak. I do have flaws. I am sad. But I know I am not wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It was not my fault. It was theirs. For being weak. Being sad creatures. Needing to feed of the weak. Trying to hide behind their own sorrows. Trying to blame me for their weaknesses  Just because some one is nice and caring and open, does not equal seduction. That's crap. It was wrong. I never wanted it. I never, ever asked for. No matter what I had to tell them to keep them from making me suffer more, causing more pain. I never wanted it. I was great before. I was very happy. I was satisfied  I never, ever needed their pathetic weakness that consumed me. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean shit. I shouldn't have to be afraid that just because I have a friendly smile some one will think I like them and try raping me. That's crap. That's hell. Fuck that. I have been beaten and used and threatened. I won't be ever again. I actually have some one who loves me, has never ever taken from me. He is the only one who has ever loved me. I am hurt, and broken, but he is the only one I have ever loved.

How To Fight

How do you fight depression? What is it that needs to be fought? Why do we fight it? Some days, some more then a few, some more then then all, it is so hard to not to just surrender, to stop fighting. I don't have the weapons, I don't have the gear, I don't have the power, I don't have an army or even a few good men, to aid me. Hm, how sad, hahahaha, oh the irony. sigh

My Smile, His

He made me smile today. After we spent that time crying. Holding each other. Bracing for the emotions.  After I told him he could never know what it felt like. How he had never been used so cruelly by some one you cared about, by family. But he works so hard to love me. Why me? Why does he love me? I may never know the answer. I do love how he makes me smile, like no one else ever had. I feel safe with him. He has never taken anything from me. I love him. Truly do. Always have. There has never been and will never be anyone else. He has my heart. He has my smile.

Please Rain Today

Another day waiting for the rain. I want to hear the sound. Feel it against my already cold skin. I hope it rains for days. Making it easy to hide away.

Just A Thought

....how long will you live to die today....

What I Want

I have such the urge to die right now, oooo, in horrible ways. I can see myself bleeding, lots of blood. Heavily intoxicated from alcohol and sweet  little pills, so many more than nay one should take. I see myself laughing as I watch my blood flow freely from its restraints. I laugh deeper, hysterically. Blood stained clothes, shredded, rip them away. Nothing left. MMmmm, such a hard urge to hold back, god, if I wasn't talking to him right, I just might, I have more than enough resources to accomplish this. Please, oh please let me succumb to these shattered desires, the desire to rid myself of a life in pain for several more seconds of pleasurable destruction. Watching myself sink into the depths of eternal darkness.....mmmm such a lovely image....

Sad Inside Me

Tears falling down my face, right now. Its sad how sad I can get, I am always sad it seems, even when I smile. I think I have always been sad inside. I tried to hide, well I did, no one ever knew how sad I was on the inside. I hid it so well. To protect others mostly. We who cares if I am happy? Its doesn't matter to anyone. This world is fine with just another sad face in hidden in the crowd. I never liked to stand out anyway. It freaked me out. I don't deal with crowds well. I suppose I cry from fear as well, now that I think about it. I can't really remember the last time I wasn't afraid....hm...how sad......haha, how ironic. I am a fearfully, sad irony filled soul, welcome, laugh at my misfortune as people are well known to do. I just sit in my favorite corner of this closet and cry, maybe bleed a little....just a little...

In My Thoughts

When you think to much, as I do, you realize things, stuff. Especially after the years of unforgiving experiences and sorrows, the rivers of information to explain why it all happened to the depth of each human psyche. It so strange. You feel as if you should have known those things you have learned, should have known from the beginning. Knowledge you wish you could of had. Mm, like that Katy Perry song that talks about wishing she would have known so she would have dived in, not given her all, because it wasn't going to work. You wonder what happens to the time and love you put in? Does it just disappear, as if it had never been? I guess so. I wish I had give so much away, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad right now. I wish I hadn't cared about anyone, than this would be so painful. Sad, its who I am, I can't help it, I even try to help it, to not be compassionate, sigh, I just can not be compassionate. I feel as if it is in my blood. It is everything I am. Because I hate the fact there are people who don't believe they are loved or will ever be so. I have felt that way most of my life, which is why I am so drained now. I was never given love to just be loved, no never. Until Sora, of course, well he even had to change and grow. But he was never like the rest. They "loved" me to get what ever it was they needed, ego bust, self-worth, pride, to victimize, such my life out to feed themselves...sigh, yea well, humans disappoint, are no loyal, safe, hopeful  Most of them anyway. I just wish I would have been more aware of the fact that I really was so weak, an easy prey. That I wasn't strong enough to fight. That I didn't know anyone strong enough to save me. Sigh. The things you have to learn after the fact, so sad. goddamn I hate life, or living I suppose would be a better reference. I'm to weak to be apart of this word. I have always been. Its seems funny to me now, to hear people proclaim I am strong, that I have strength. I wonder who they think I am? How could they think such a thing, I want to die, how is that strong  Oh well. People are silly. I can't be rageful very long, at all. It vanishes like smoke from an extinguished candle. Which I hope my life will reciprocate, soon.

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn