Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn

What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

Without A Support

I have been reading some of my books again. One in particular called unsafe people. Again, I have discovered my weaknesses and wrongs. But also truths that I had begun to doubt. One being support. After so much turmoil from any "christian" community I became a firm believer that the bible was a lie in that we are to have support amongst friends. That the "church" should be a place of healing, grace, truth and acceptance, was all a huge, ugly lie. I kept hearing, only god. don't trust people. The biggest reason I struggled with being set free from my weakness', the blemish of falling for unsafe people, a big part [if not thee biggest part] of that was I never, ever had that support. Ever. I was condemned and hurt and disgraced. How could I love my self if the people god had left to love the world hated me? Sora has been my only support, and even he hadn't been there all the time until he had to see what he needed to be, what I needed to be safe, to be free. I never had a group of people to support me. To help me. I was working for people who didn't care about me. If I didn't do what they wanted, how they wanted I was, wrong. I was never built up, ever at that place. By some individuals who have chosen to not be apart of it, I had. The rest brought me down. Against the scripture they clung to. I found how hard you can fall when the people you expect to lift you up, hold you up, help you up push down. I am still having trouble believing it is worth it to be around people. I can't even get myself to, well to be anything for the time. People frighten me. They hurt. They can't be trusted. Except Sora, My beloved Sora, he is my everything.