I Hate Life

It's that simple...the end....until some one can god damn prove me wrong...fuck life......it'll hang soon

Being With People

I found out today I can't remember how. I wonder if I ever really have. It made me so sad. I don't feel normal. What ever that means. When I look back most of my memories are covered in pain. I feel like crying. Am I even human? Some one who only knows abuse as love? They say that's not true, that that isn't love, if it hurts...then why did they say that? what is...real love.....i  thought I knew...

I Am Weak

I may be weak. I do have flaws. I am sad. But I know I am not wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It was not my fault. It was theirs. For being weak. Being sad creatures. Needing to feed of the weak. Trying to hide behind their own sorrows. Trying to blame me for their weaknesses  Just because some one is nice and caring and open, does not equal seduction. That's crap. It was wrong. I never wanted it. I never, ever asked for. No matter what I had to tell them to keep them from making me suffer more, causing more pain. I never wanted it. I was great before. I was very happy. I was satisfied  I never, ever needed their pathetic weakness that consumed me. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean shit. I shouldn't have to be afraid that just because I have a friendly smile some one will think I like them and try raping me. That's crap. That's hell. Fuck that. I have been beaten and used and threatened. I won't be ever again. I actually have some one who loves me, has never ever taken from me. He is the only one who has ever loved me. I am hurt, and broken, but he is the only one I have ever loved.

In My Thoughts

When you think to much, as I do, you realize things, stuff. Especially after the years of unforgiving experiences and sorrows, the rivers of information to explain why it all happened to the depth of each human psyche. It so strange. You feel as if you should have known those things you have learned, should have known from the beginning. Knowledge you wish you could of had. Mm, like that Katy Perry song that talks about wishing she would have known so she would have dived in, not given her all, because it wasn't going to work. You wonder what happens to the time and love you put in? Does it just disappear, as if it had never been? I guess so. I wish I had give so much away, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad right now. I wish I hadn't cared about anyone, than this would be so painful. Sad, its who I am, I can't help it, I even try to help it, to not be compassionate, sigh, I just can not be compassionate. I feel as if it is in my blood. It is everything I am. Because I hate the fact there are people who don't believe they are loved or will ever be so. I have felt that way most of my life, which is why I am so drained now. I was never given love to just be loved, no never. Until Sora, of course, well he even had to change and grow. But he was never like the rest. They "loved" me to get what ever it was they needed, ego bust, self-worth, pride, to victimize, such my life out to feed themselves...sigh, yea well, humans disappoint, are no loyal, safe, hopeful  Most of them anyway. I just wish I would have been more aware of the fact that I really was so weak, an easy prey. That I wasn't strong enough to fight. That I didn't know anyone strong enough to save me. Sigh. The things you have to learn after the fact, so sad. goddamn I hate life, or living I suppose would be a better reference. I'm to weak to be apart of this word. I have always been. Its seems funny to me now, to hear people proclaim I am strong, that I have strength. I wonder who they think I am? How could they think such a thing, I want to die, how is that strong  Oh well. People are silly. I can't be rageful very long, at all. It vanishes like smoke from an extinguished candle. Which I hope my life will reciprocate, soon.

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn

Life Not Lived

I never wanted to live this long. I believed when I was young, I truly believed, that I would be dead by thirty. I had thought there might have been people would care if I no longer existed. As I have grown that belief in people has just about vanished. We've all had it, that experience, some worse then others, the disappointment. Sometimes its is so god damned painful you can feel it in your heart, forever, for life. I believe you will even be cursed in the afterlife with the sorrow. So many times. So often the pain. I fight to die. What is there to live for?

Why Stay Here

Sora got upset with me last night. He is moving up so well, even when so many would think in some ways it a failure or at least not some one with high ambition. That isn't true thought, he is amazing. I believe, well I use to believe, that everyone had potential for good and greatness. Hm, yea. Sora, however, is proof at least a few, or, ha, one person is. He struggles, he hurts, he is real. I know others can see his dependability. His amazingness. His pure love and willingness to do what needs to be done. He is all about chivalry and courtesy, especially with me. He truly loves me. Always has, from the beginning. Always will, forever will. I told him, I was an obstacle. In the way of his success. His life. I am such a downer. It's so unbearable to be with me. Sigh. I feel as if I am such a black blot on the world. I wish so much, well most of the time, tht he would just let me end my life...

Me In Black

I hate hope. It's like a poor, starving person walking down a street of  places that serve delectable meals, knowing they will never, ever get a taste, may never eat again for all they know....sigh, ah crap. Yea, ya, that's my interpretation, my experience. I do feel as if I am finally, for the first time in the entirety of my existence, I am free to be me, whatever or whoever that may be. Sigh. Not much I expect. I do have a desire. To love my Sora, my dear, sweet beloved. He brings out the best of me, whatever that may be. He experiences and says as much, hee. I should have just become a hermit like I had planned early on, before...before all...all was taken from......me. sigh. Haha, what a child dream huh? Safest I thought. He says I am creative. Pure. Loving. Hm. Funny, I don't feel that way at all. And I would call my recent piece, mmm, well creative. I suppose art in contextual purposing. I feel so free as I paint. But then I stop. Clean up. And I am afraid all over again. I stare at my brushes, afraid to touch them. I don't feel real any more. I am becoming numb to, connections. They all just fall away. Hm, ya, oh, well. wow, hm I am sadly drawn to so much ...dark stuff, my clothes, linens, towels, etc, etc...haha, even when I try color, they are darker shades. I can not bring myself to buy light colors, they're just, bleh, ick. I can't. Hm, I had some where I was going with this..............damn.......oh, well I can't remember. fuck stress.....

Just One Pill

taking pills to sleep. nothing i can eat. fading away from this existence. sugar rush, caffeine high. drink my sorrows giddy. self destruct. i'll waste away, a simple wretch of a life waisted. i feel is if every ounce of my flesh was only to be food for the ravenous beasts to feed off of. i was fuel to their fire. to confirm there wickedness on the world. i am the bane of humanity. death is my only ally. mmm. yes i am, weak. i am sad.

Beware Your Heart

Beware what you set your heart upon for it shall surely be yours" -Ralph Waldo Emerson. Whether is a conscious or unconscious thought, desire. Even if it was something forced into our hearts, built there by others, we will inevitably fall to it. Whatever our heart have been set up upon. It is so sad. To be a product of such. What a horrible price one must pay for the burdens of others. Why is it the weak are blamed for the wicked ways of the broken, corrupted bitter souls of this world? I am so weak. So sad. So broken. I have no faith. In people. in anything. In myself. I never, ever have...

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...

Without A Support

I have been reading some of my books again. One in particular called unsafe people. Again, I have discovered my weaknesses and wrongs. But also truths that I had begun to doubt. One being support. After so much turmoil from any "christian" community I became a firm believer that the bible was a lie in that we are to have support amongst friends. That the "church" should be a place of healing, grace, truth and acceptance, was all a huge, ugly lie. I kept hearing, only god. don't trust people. The biggest reason I struggled with being set free from my weakness', the blemish of falling for unsafe people, a big part [if not thee biggest part] of that was I never, ever had that support. Ever. I was condemned and hurt and disgraced. How could I love my self if the people god had left to love the world hated me? Sora has been my only support, and even he hadn't been there all the time until he had to see what he needed to be, what I needed to be safe, to be free. I never had a group of people to support me. To help me. I was working for people who didn't care about me. If I didn't do what they wanted, how they wanted I was, wrong. I was never built up, ever at that place. By some individuals who have chosen to not be apart of it, I had. The rest brought me down. Against the scripture they clung to. I found how hard you can fall when the people you expect to lift you up, hold you up, help you up push down. I am still having trouble believing it is worth it to be around people. I can't even get myself to, well to be anything for the time. People frighten me. They hurt. They can't be trusted. Except Sora, My beloved Sora, he is my everything.

Abuse In Solitude

These past months of solitude have shown me much about myself. For the first time in my life, since before I could remember, I have been completely removed from every and any kind of abuse. Never ever feeling safe. Not knowing what real love was. I have what been able to see what my heart and soul had been twistedly molded into. This deformed, rejected creature who was more then willing to let the monsters steal whatever they wanted from me. My flesh. My virtues. My emotions. My feelings. My heart. My dreams. My hopes. Anything that would make me, well alive, living, breathing, independent. A person of free will. Capable of caring for myself. I was a robot controlled by the first beast to take the controls. No self-esteem, no self-worth. I was a weakling trying to play strong. A part I failed at. All those I looked up to. Hoping to help me. Took more. I never got help. Just more a abuse. I trusted them. They never saw how hurt I was. They kept blaming me. I was wrong. I was hurt, broken. That was wrong? Why? Why did you let it happen?  Why didn't you save me from the pain like you said you would? Why didn't you protect me like you promised? I was alone. You blamed me for being a victim? I had no security. I wasn't safe. I thought the only way out was death. You made me believe I wasn't loved, I couldn't be. I was no good. All I was worth was less then your garbage. Is it my fault for not knowing I wasn't ever really loved? Was it my fault for thinking it was ok to be beaten, taken advantage of, with no words to speak? Was it my fault for being afraid of brutal monsters eating flesh, my soul? Am I not human, simply because each person I opened my heart to, willingly molested, beat, shredded and left my heart to die in filthy pits, because I didn't know how to stop it? Because I believed that was love?

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.