Hear My Complaint

No one wants to hear you complain, to hear your words, or understand there pain.
I can understand a Boundry, a line that shouldn't be crossed.
But if I have no one tot turn to when I need to talk...well then what do I do?
You not listening tells me I'm not worth it, that you have better things to attend to. That my place on this earth isn't worth considering. That my feelings and emotions are trash in this world of garbage that you just do not want to touch.
Who do I have if I am alone?
Honestly, I believe we are not meant to be alone. If we were, why are there so many of us? And if only certain people are precious, why were the rest of us born? If only a few are meant to be saved. Why bother at all with that claim, all are loved? Its a lie. It's a crime. Shameful to believe I am worth breathing at all.
You have left me speechless, because why speak if I will never be heard. Why be honest if it only hurts? You never care so then what happens...
People who are not heard find away...through pain...through suffering.....through burns....When people hurt, if not cared for, will hurt others, or themselves.
I hurt myself.
I am alone.
I don't matter.
I never did.
Did I?
All I ever wanted to was to let the world know they are loved....and all it did in return was kick me away, breaking me into pieces, and shattering my life to nothing.
If no one is willing to listen, even when I do, I always did, I was always there, no matter at what cost to me...but no, not for me. I am nothing and no one will listen to nothing....

Being With People

I found out today I can't remember how. I wonder if I ever really have. It made me so sad. I don't feel normal. What ever that means. When I look back most of my memories are covered in pain. I feel like crying. Am I even human? Some one who only knows abuse as love? They say that's not true, that that isn't love, if it hurts...then why did they say that? what is...real love.....i  thought I knew...

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.

My Life's Definitions

Family, means a group of people to whom you share blood and/or maybe a name with whom connects you to there blood.

Friends, are people that you have meet throughout your life, who may be on your Facebook page [that may Facebook stalk you or vice versa to see how they are doing because its easier then calling or texting] or Twitter or Tumblr, send you mass holiday texts [if they don't loose your number, because it really isn't important if they keep yours anyways] and/or emails or forwards, and call you when they need something or have something they want to say.

Acquaintances, are people you may have met once, been in a class with, friend of a friend, family friend or some one you have never met in person but follow and/or may be followed back by on a social internet network.


Associate, person or people who share work experience with who could or may also fall into Friends/Acquaintances definitions. Hold no respect for you or what you do, don't care for you well being in the least.

Higher Education/school, loved learning but was better for making a large sum debt then gaining a gratifying career and/or lifestyle.

Religion, and excuses for people to hang out socially, eat, and take money to build big buildings that will one day be empty. Basic form of a club.

Love, a painful experience where I give everything, everything is taken. It doesn't matter what I think, feel, understand, desire, want, or need. Brutalized, abused, used, beaten in every way shape and form.  Note. definition is changing because of following definition.

Husband, greatest thing/person/experience that has every happened to me. Greatest man in my life, in existence. My reason for hope, life, real love, and just about everything else. Does not have any association with any of the other definitions in any way ever. Period.

Things I Do

I love walking. Just about everywhere. On the beach. In the woods. Through the streets of the town. Sitting in parks. Having picnics. Taking pictures. Of people. Of nature. Of color. Painting images that form in my head. Drawing the beautiful figures of woman. The intricate curves. The delicate frames. Cuddling with my puppy. Cuddling with my lover, with just our skin touching. Hold hands. Kissing. Dancing like no one is watching. Listening to Debussy. Drinking the crisp Jasmine tea. Sleeping in my birthday suite for hours, I could go for like ten. Minimal. Maximum. Haha, I love sleep, it loves me, as well as do all the bed's that like sleeping with me. Creating delectable dishes from veggies. Chocolate, eating dark chocolate. Anytime. Anywhere. Taking bubbles baths. Alone. With Sora. Brushing my bunny. Dressing in pink. Wearing high heels. Going barefoot. Swimming. In the sea. In the rivers. Sitting in trees. Taking to time to understand who I am and what it means to be me.

In The Sky

I love fireworks. I haven't seen them of July the fourth for about four years. Lived in a place in was against the law. Memories. My best firework experiences have all been within the last seven years, so the three years prior to the last four, haha, wow. And they have all been with Sora. Hee, he has always made my memories a better a place. No matter how broken and lost I seem to get. How far I fall, he's there. I wish he could have been there tonight. As they lit up the sky. We sat in the harbor. It was spectacular. The show started even before the show started, haha. Everywhere around us fireworks of all kinds were being set off. High in the sky to squealing on the ground. I was so giddy. It was nice to be in a happy moment since...since those times. I can still here people setting the sky on fire as I type. Two hours later, into the night. Silly people, I'm glad their having fun. I hope they are all being safe. Probably not, but hey, one can hope. Now that I have started to get a spark of it, hope, it sometimes feels contagious. Sometimes it flows into parts of my mind I don't need hope. Well, I shouldn't want it there. The heart can be an evil thing. I wish I could watch fireworks all night long. I wish That's all I could think about. I wish...

Be Mine Valentine

What a day. A day I actually use to be against. Even now as I have someone to hold me on this culturally corrupt day of love, I am not so found of it. To many people make such a big deal out of it. Why can't we just make each day a big deal. If you are going to claim love of a person in your life, treat them that way everyday. If you think your are to busy to do such, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. A person is a life and if they are precious to you, damn it make it known all the time. Life is to short, to hard not to. Why do you think people separate? Why do we loose people? Because we are to selfish to share our lives, our time. When you have a relationship, any relationship, and you are in it just for yourself then you aren't really in a relationship. Life is a treasure that we all take for granted way to often. Life sucks because you didn't take the time to love sacrificially. And you didn't take that heart and hold it gently. We keep going like the world lives for us, revolves around everything we are. That's crap. We only become important when realize everything we have can be taken away. We are so close to loosing what should makes us smile everyday. Even after those times when you hate life. We want to strive to create the hope, the love, the change. Its a god damn action. Your words mean nothing if you don't live up to them. To be loved you have to realize no one has to, but wants to. You have to want to love that person. To work hard to keep them close. It doesn't just happen cause we want it to. Fairy-tail love is fucking hard work. Its only magical after fight the dragon. And there are many dragons. One is so often ourselves. We have to fight the self that gives in to the crimes against true and unadulterated love. You can't expect it to be real, you'll be sadly disappointed. If you don't fight, you don't deserve it. It have to show you want it, that you want that person. Stop breaking thinks. Stop creating so much pain that the next person gets fucked up when they try to love. We have to make the choice to be selfless. To care enough about the other person more then our own breath. Be willing to die. Be willing to live. Be willing above all else that we do truly love.