Afraid, The World

How pathetic you are, a grown woman, afraid of the world, I say to myself looking back in the mirror. How can you live like this? You can't. I'm not alive. I am the living dead. No hope for this hopeless creature. This is how I feel. I am being controlled by what is not my choice. Living each moment as if there is no other. So much sadness. It is strange. How corroded life, people can be. When I a person isn't happy, they curse others with their unhappiness. It's a sad life. Even sadder then mine. To not even be satisfied by a religion you cling to, like a leech sucking life out. To be everything you don't proclaim to be. I am glad I am not that. A fake, religious zealot. That is pathetic. Sigh. So now I will either sit, hidden from the world, never trusting a soul, again, ever, except Sora. Or do I die and wither away? I am forgot. I will be more so. Why not just die and me dragged to hell? To know the depths of fire that burns with no mercy, no light and wishing to be there instead of a heaven without pain or suffering, why? Because of them. I don't want to turn into them. If that is what it means to be apart of that faith, that religion, I won't ever be. They have shown me their god doesn't like a sad creature such as I. I am not made to be saved or loved. Their heaven has no room for me. A broken soul. Plus, I cannot forgive. I am done forgiving. Done letting people hurt me and saying you are forgiven. Beaten, its fine. Bruised, its ok. Slain, you are loved. Where was my love? Only Sora. Their has only been Sora. I so do wish, many times, he had been stronger sooner, to save me. Been in my life sooner, to hold me. Love me, like he does now. Even as I look down on myself because of what, what my past, my hurt, my pain, my burden from generations of my family, of weak, sorrowful beings, who welcome pain. To let the willing break our hearts and ruin whatever of us they can so they could be happy, only to leave my family members dying of bitterness and shame, alone, with nothing. Only the greedy, prideful bigots die with much, but still alone. The wise, the truly wise die with many hearts around them. My wisdom may have come to late. Ha, well, I believe this to be true, my dear, sweet husbands believes otherwise. He believes there is life behind my eyes. If life is my love for him, well, then just perhaps. For I love him with ever ounce of everything and anything that is me. Most days I fight that notion. I, I am just so afraid of other humans. I have read book after book, and I still am having trouble being convinced there are safe people out there. They all just want to cause pain. To leave. To abounded when you are weak. To shame you. TO take from you. To hurt you in any way they can to make themselves feel better. What a wretched creature, humans. Love seems impossible. I would have bet my life on it. Those words. I was so close in taking it. Till he came, till he saved me. He didn't have to. I could have left and no longer be this emotional burden, but yet he loves me enough to be there, in every single humanly possible way, and then some. I ramble, rumble, like thunder in the distance that is barely noticed, like a desert storm that never comes. How sad a creature am I? My opinion, very. Sigh. Well tonight I hope the nightmares let me sleep a few, so I can see his face tomorrow.

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.