Me In Black

I hate hope. It's like a poor, starving person walking down a street of  places that serve delectable meals, knowing they will never, ever get a taste, may never eat again for all they know....sigh, ah crap. Yea, ya, that's my interpretation, my experience. I do feel as if I am finally, for the first time in the entirety of my existence, I am free to be me, whatever or whoever that may be. Sigh. Not much I expect. I do have a desire. To love my Sora, my dear, sweet beloved. He brings out the best of me, whatever that may be. He experiences and says as much, hee. I should have just become a hermit like I had planned early on, before...before all...all was taken from......me. sigh. Haha, what a child dream huh? Safest I thought. He says I am creative. Pure. Loving. Hm. Funny, I don't feel that way at all. And I would call my recent piece, mmm, well creative. I suppose art in contextual purposing. I feel so free as I paint. But then I stop. Clean up. And I am afraid all over again. I stare at my brushes, afraid to touch them. I don't feel real any more. I am becoming numb to, connections. They all just fall away. Hm, ya, oh, well. wow, hm I am sadly drawn to so much ...dark stuff, my clothes, linens, towels, etc, etc...haha, even when I try color, they are darker shades. I can not bring myself to buy light colors, they're just, bleh, ick. I can't. Hm, I had some where I was going with this..............damn.......oh, well I can't remember. fuck stress.....

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.

Missing You, NO

Have you ever had that experience, where you miss something but you don't want to be missing it? Something that hurt you, but that something use to be that something that was worth having around. That something that made you smile. You wanted it there. To be around. It made you smile. Then, there was the pain. You couldn't understand why. Why did it have to hurt so much? Then it became all the time. But I loved. Loved a lot. So much. To much. Still do. Always will. But it doesn't matter. Lies turned to truth it is was no more, and all I am left with is the memory, the pain, the sorrow, the missing. Its not anyone cares. Which will be OK. I guess. Right now it defiantly does not feel that way. No, it hurts. A Lot. More than I like. Sigh. Why? why? I'm tired of this sadness that follows me. Just when I was starting to feel so bright. I love this time of year. I hate it now even more. Summer. Had always been my favorite. That's when the memories began. That's when it was over. So now I'm stuck missing things I don't want to, its not east to let go, I'm not even sure I know how...at all......part of me doesn't want to....I need to.........Someday, I will forget, but I guess you already did....