The Rise Against

So, it has bee awhile. Writing here, for you. I apologies, I have been far from healthy physically or mentally. I hit a severe breaking point and there wasn't must that would have taken me over the edge. A lot of my present situation has brought my spirit below the level fro the will to live. My Life has been so crappy and I have no guarantee that the future shall be much better. I mean my beloved Sora has been fighting for my soul and heart, and while many have left me as a hopeless cause, there are some that continue to amaze me in the pursuit of me. My past hasn't shown me this could have ever been possible. So natural this does not compute in my fucked up mind very well. I have been trying to write it all out. To compose the dance I was forced to parade about in from such a long time ago, has been found to be severely painful, if not insufferable. To lay out before me in black and white the sorrows scripted upon my inner being has shown me just of how little importance my life has been to people. I have heard those words, I love you, but let me tell you the actions accompanying that corrupt phrase has been far from the true definition. My dream, was, had been for as long as I can remember, to share love in a place, in a world that only takes and leaves us empty. But alas, I loved to much as an imperfect person. It was never enough. Of course because of my simple, yet unmeant twisted past my view of loves was that I was nothing but a toy to be used. I was not to worry about my happiness. My pain never mattered. So I buried it. And now I am here. In the Summer of my life stuck in a Desert of essence. So I am burning up into nothing. And whether some like it or not, I really don't think I can hold on much longer. Yes now I may smile. Or force the idea of future. But how can my brokenness ever be happy?

Be Mine Valentine

What a day. A day I actually use to be against. Even now as I have someone to hold me on this culturally corrupt day of love, I am not so found of it. To many people make such a big deal out of it. Why can't we just make each day a big deal. If you are going to claim love of a person in your life, treat them that way everyday. If you think your are to busy to do such, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. A person is a life and if they are precious to you, damn it make it known all the time. Life is to short, to hard not to. Why do you think people separate? Why do we loose people? Because we are to selfish to share our lives, our time. When you have a relationship, any relationship, and you are in it just for yourself then you aren't really in a relationship. Life is a treasure that we all take for granted way to often. Life sucks because you didn't take the time to love sacrificially. And you didn't take that heart and hold it gently. We keep going like the world lives for us, revolves around everything we are. That's crap. We only become important when realize everything we have can be taken away. We are so close to loosing what should makes us smile everyday. Even after those times when you hate life. We want to strive to create the hope, the love, the change. Its a god damn action. Your words mean nothing if you don't live up to them. To be loved you have to realize no one has to, but wants to. You have to want to love that person. To work hard to keep them close. It doesn't just happen cause we want it to. Fairy-tail love is fucking hard work. Its only magical after fight the dragon. And there are many dragons. One is so often ourselves. We have to fight the self that gives in to the crimes against true and unadulterated love. You can't expect it to be real, you'll be sadly disappointed. If you don't fight, you don't deserve it. It have to show you want it, that you want that person. Stop breaking thinks. Stop creating so much pain that the next person gets fucked up when they try to love. We have to make the choice to be selfless. To care enough about the other person more then our own breath. Be willing to die. Be willing to live. Be willing above all else that we do truly love.

Being All Alone

I have spent a good weekend with my beloved. He has taken my hand and moved me through this weakness of mine to try and live life. Something I dare say, I suck at. Ha, yea well when you never really learn how and yet continue to plague the planet with your essence someone needs to teach ya. You also have to be willing to learn, which when you hate life...um yeah. Sigh, But I try for him. Because he loves me. I want to make sure he has a life set up for him so that I won't have to infect his life much longer. I know I do, he doesn't just it because  of course he loves me. I have no doubts. I'm just not good for any one. And in this thought I feel very, well alone. In my thoughts, dreams, ideas, life. It's because I feel so different, so off. Like I don't belong anywhere. That I was a mistake. And the world keeps trying to make up for it. If I'm not around how can I be vex anything beautiful again? I can't. Maybe my soul will cycle through and become something better. Or become the grimy slime I am. Yes well, I suppose my words make you feel better. She has a life of hell, of course everyone's is better. Who would care to be me. Hell someday will consume me for existing. I mean What kind of twisted person should be kept alive. I like the pain, the suffering. The bruises and brokenness. Not much ambition here is there?

Credo

The truth is that life is hard and dangerous; that those who seeK their own happiness do not find it; that those who are weak will suffer; that those who demand love will be disappointed; that those who are greedy will not be fed; that those who seek peace will find strife; that truth is only for the brave; that joy is only for those who do not fear to be alone; that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die. -Joyc
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Missing The Pain

Right now, sadly, I'm missing peoples who don't care whether I am breathing or not. Sigh, I wonder if there is any monetary actions that I could embrace that would not cause some seething pain. I swear, I am pathetic. Yes of course I am. I like pain. I like to be hurt. I believe that this is all I deserve and ever will. The sadness of that truth consumes me. Why bother. Wasting air. How do you deal with this? I can't imagine letting go of these scars that I have held to for so very long. It could be sad. I mean I do feel sad, incredibly. But I like it. I guess I like the hurt so much because that is all I can remember ever truly feeling most of my life. Love for me is this concept that as long as I am being used up by something, then I am being loved. My reward is, well pain. Suffering. Sorrow. A sad existence. But don't worry I'll put myself out of my misery soon. Not today, but someday soon. 

What's In It

My days are lonely. My days are long. Whats the point in pushing? In asking for the hope, the hand of another? I am meant to be alone. It is better this way, so my darkness can't spread. So I can't be an influence that kills the joys of living, the price solitude takes is nothing short of everything. My sanity breaks with each hour spent separated, in space and time, from the whole of anything. I having a longing. To have never been born, to not exist, to have never tainted a life. I am so broken I can't even hold water. I just keep coming back to that question. Why let anyone in? Why hold the company of others? So that I can welcome them in, expose myself to ravaging creatures of a fallen word? So that without warning they devour my soul, consume my heart leaving me an empty shell. Oh, wait I did that at that's where I am at at this moment. A pathetic lonely being with nothing to give, nothing to have. My sorrows are even worthlessly wasted. What will become of me? I wish he could let me go, like everyone eventually does. I want to die without hurting another soul. Without spreading my curse.

Life Is Worthless

Well in definition only mine. Its hard to live in an existence where you believe life is precious but you hate the fact that you are breathing. How can someone like me exist? Why do I? Am I only to exist in pain, in suffering? I am just fucking lame. I deserve the worst depth of hell, burning in sweet desires of turmoil. Yea, I don't get it. Why I hate life, living so very much. Way to often I make the one I love the most hurt, because I hurt myself....because I have had so much pain I feel as if I cannot breath without it. Yes, I really am pathetic.