Hating That Love

Tonight I wait, tonight I sit pondering writing of love, well on what love has done to one in the worst of ways. It is not for the one I cherish most that I read these bitter, hateful, sorrowful words, no I read them for the ways I have been treated by "those" other people in my life. Well my past. Who had sworn the truth that they loved me. What sweet little lies they started as. So tasty for me to swallow, so much easier to digest their poison. Ah, what can I do. At some points I feel it was my fault for trusting. For me so broken. For liking to be broken. Years of therapy and books, so many books, to help me overcome. But I like books. They have always been truth worthy friends. And I have gleaned so much from theses books. Words and ways that I have never had the fortune of experiencing or learning. Which I could blame, maybe should blame, on my up bringing, parents, adults, surroundings, blah blah and whatever else. But truly what is the use. So is the biggest part, the truest reason for what I was, however, now I have a choice. To be whatever they had molded me to be. Or fucking step up and shove all their hypocrisy down their sore throats and watch them squirm. Hm. Na, to much work I'll just plan on living a happy life for now and see ho it goes, who knows I might actually like this.

Being Past Times

Past time. Past times. Adding one, little letter can sure change a phrases mean so very much. Both things however, are things that trouble me. The time that has past, well, has been rough. It's so hard to read this help and survivor books, cause for the most part it's one or maybe several events. Not a lifetime. From the beginning. I feel like I should read books on survivors from war torn countries or something. I feel like I could relate better. Most of these help book talk about get over "experiences", not a "life" you had. Hm, I think I will. I'll have to do some research and see if I can find some strong biographies. As for my past times, they have come undone and I am in a renewal of myself. I don't really know who I am or what it even means to be me. Things I once loved so deeply now bring pain. Heartache. I'll just march on. I do feel better today, by the way. I woke up smiling. And hoping and all that other weird stuff. Not bad after yesterday. And that scary dream I had about blood and chasing and zombies and death and taaallll buildings. Yea, I think I'm a little better. I suppose a little is better then nothing.

My Nights Alone

It's that time of the week. Where I become the lonely, heart broken blogger sifting through the memories that refuse to stop haunting me. And when Sora is off making bare-bones living for us, that amazing man, I get so sad. I still am in no state to fight for the relationships that I once thought were so important. As I fell down they all sorta trickled of the side and far out of sight. When I am broken, why is there no one there for me? I really should be content. I have a man that loves me more then anything that this world could ever give and beyond. I am just struggling I suppose. It's not very easy to calm a raging see of lost emotions, broken feeling and dark memories. I feel so alone when he is at work and I sit in my bed, thinking. In reality, life is amazing right now. It's beautiful. We are on our way up and out. With a few more small bumps to over come. But the heart ache of a lifetime is so hard to get over, to forget, to move. So much of it seems so fresh. Its incredibly hard not to feel it. But feel so much its as if you are numb. Like you can't really be alive right now. You aren't really feeling anything. Nothing truly happened. Did it? I think sometimes I try to hard to convince myself it was all a bad dream. Twenty-six years, if only. I blog. I write. I draw. Mess with my photos. And yet I just cannot shake this loneliness. The sadness of not being the friend I thought I was. I guess I just was that good of one, to be fought for as I fade away into blackness. Slowly letting my sadness eat away at me. Soul and heart and flesh. I am just so tire of being depressed. And I wish that it could be so as easy as just a choice. I mean come on. I eat as healthy as I am able. I exercise. I'm not to fat. I get sun. I walk my puppy. I hug and cuddle. I take pill upon pill upon pill upon pill to stabilize my mind and hormones so I don't jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I were insane. The funny kind. The really smart kind. So I could make friends in my head. I'm just tired of the one always trying to hold on. Fighting for love. I just want to be loved. To be told that I am worth being on this earth. That everything I experienced doesn't define me. To be needed. Over and over again until my life ends. So this is mostly why I blog. To get it out. To set the words free, or they will kill me. Even if I don't matter to anyone at least my blog is here. I do have Sora. I hope doesn't leave me. He says I'm not clingy, or to needy. It's so hard to believe that he loves me, that he is in love with me. Yea, I think to much.

My Life's Definitions

Family, means a group of people to whom you share blood and/or maybe a name with whom connects you to there blood.

Friends, are people that you have meet throughout your life, who may be on your Facebook page [that may Facebook stalk you or vice versa to see how they are doing because its easier then calling or texting] or Twitter or Tumblr, send you mass holiday texts [if they don't loose your number, because it really isn't important if they keep yours anyways] and/or emails or forwards, and call you when they need something or have something they want to say.

Acquaintances, are people you may have met once, been in a class with, friend of a friend, family friend or some one you have never met in person but follow and/or may be followed back by on a social internet network.


Associate, person or people who share work experience with who could or may also fall into Friends/Acquaintances definitions. Hold no respect for you or what you do, don't care for you well being in the least.

Higher Education/school, loved learning but was better for making a large sum debt then gaining a gratifying career and/or lifestyle.

Religion, and excuses for people to hang out socially, eat, and take money to build big buildings that will one day be empty. Basic form of a club.

Love, a painful experience where I give everything, everything is taken. It doesn't matter what I think, feel, understand, desire, want, or need. Brutalized, abused, used, beaten in every way shape and form.  Note. definition is changing because of following definition.

Husband, greatest thing/person/experience that has every happened to me. Greatest man in my life, in existence. My reason for hope, life, real love, and just about everything else. Does not have any association with any of the other definitions in any way ever. Period.

Things I Do

I love walking. Just about everywhere. On the beach. In the woods. Through the streets of the town. Sitting in parks. Having picnics. Taking pictures. Of people. Of nature. Of color. Painting images that form in my head. Drawing the beautiful figures of woman. The intricate curves. The delicate frames. Cuddling with my puppy. Cuddling with my lover, with just our skin touching. Hold hands. Kissing. Dancing like no one is watching. Listening to Debussy. Drinking the crisp Jasmine tea. Sleeping in my birthday suite for hours, I could go for like ten. Minimal. Maximum. Haha, I love sleep, it loves me, as well as do all the bed's that like sleeping with me. Creating delectable dishes from veggies. Chocolate, eating dark chocolate. Anytime. Anywhere. Taking bubbles baths. Alone. With Sora. Brushing my bunny. Dressing in pink. Wearing high heels. Going barefoot. Swimming. In the sea. In the rivers. Sitting in trees. Taking to time to understand who I am and what it means to be me.

In The Sky

I love fireworks. I haven't seen them of July the fourth for about four years. Lived in a place in was against the law. Memories. My best firework experiences have all been within the last seven years, so the three years prior to the last four, haha, wow. And they have all been with Sora. Hee, he has always made my memories a better a place. No matter how broken and lost I seem to get. How far I fall, he's there. I wish he could have been there tonight. As they lit up the sky. We sat in the harbor. It was spectacular. The show started even before the show started, haha. Everywhere around us fireworks of all kinds were being set off. High in the sky to squealing on the ground. I was so giddy. It was nice to be in a happy moment since...since those times. I can still here people setting the sky on fire as I type. Two hours later, into the night. Silly people, I'm glad their having fun. I hope they are all being safe. Probably not, but hey, one can hope. Now that I have started to get a spark of it, hope, it sometimes feels contagious. Sometimes it flows into parts of my mind I don't need hope. Well, I shouldn't want it there. The heart can be an evil thing. I wish I could watch fireworks all night long. I wish That's all I could think about. I wish...

Fight For Myself

I have a hard time learning the difference in that of fighting for being myself and being selfish. Being a person of simple nature, mmm, mostly. There thing of material value that catch my eye. I love fashion, close, shoes, yes. And being a creative person, which takes money to be, so sadly. I don't want to seem selfish, which I probably am. I've just had a hell of a life for only 28 and I would just like to live a little. I never really had my "child", or even really my "youth" years. As far back I can remember I had major responsibility. And I have always cared for others. Given them everything I could for their benefit. And now I have nothing. Not even those I loved so much. When times got tough, when they thought the worst, they left. Just like that. So I sit day after, mostly alone. I mean my amazing Sora would be here with me, but he is being amazing and working so hard to make a living for us. I have just been so use to, well people. Being active in activities, especially this time of year, summer. I was always so, busy. And now, nothing. At all. I walk. A lot. I like it. Even when it rains, which is like every other day. Not to bad. The wind is what gets me, if its over 20mph, no thanks. Sigh, yea. Well I just don't know how I just express myself. I mean I feel like I know what I want, but is it what I need? I mean we do need human contact? Right? Am I just cursed? OR something. I feel like a plague. I try to be positive, I really do. I may not seem like it. I try and then that happens. Starts small, I can handle this and then SLAM, fucking hell. Sigh. I wish I was over exaggerating, that would make for a good story. I would laugh and be happy it wasn't my life. I have good things sure, yea. Food, most of the time, when I can eat it. A roof over my head, even if it's not mine and the certainty of having one consecutively is slim. Sigh. I have limbs. That for some reason I can't keep from being bruise, bitten, cut or an acquired abrasion in some way. Life time a of multiple abusive, sometime all at the same time. It's hard to stay positive. I do have one person. Who loves me unconditionally. He'll do just about anything for me. He is amazing. I am a pretty messed up person, so The fact the he does so much is pretty awesome. Like immaculate awesome. So I think I'll just go shed some drops from windows. Have a great week.