My Nights Alone

It's that time of the week. Where I become the lonely, heart broken blogger sifting through the memories that refuse to stop haunting me. And when Sora is off making bare-bones living for us, that amazing man, I get so sad. I still am in no state to fight for the relationships that I once thought were so important. As I fell down they all sorta trickled of the side and far out of sight. When I am broken, why is there no one there for me? I really should be content. I have a man that loves me more then anything that this world could ever give and beyond. I am just struggling I suppose. It's not very easy to calm a raging see of lost emotions, broken feeling and dark memories. I feel so alone when he is at work and I sit in my bed, thinking. In reality, life is amazing right now. It's beautiful. We are on our way up and out. With a few more small bumps to over come. But the heart ache of a lifetime is so hard to get over, to forget, to move. So much of it seems so fresh. Its incredibly hard not to feel it. But feel so much its as if you are numb. Like you can't really be alive right now. You aren't really feeling anything. Nothing truly happened. Did it? I think sometimes I try to hard to convince myself it was all a bad dream. Twenty-six years, if only. I blog. I write. I draw. Mess with my photos. And yet I just cannot shake this loneliness. The sadness of not being the friend I thought I was. I guess I just was that good of one, to be fought for as I fade away into blackness. Slowly letting my sadness eat away at me. Soul and heart and flesh. I am just so tire of being depressed. And I wish that it could be so as easy as just a choice. I mean come on. I eat as healthy as I am able. I exercise. I'm not to fat. I get sun. I walk my puppy. I hug and cuddle. I take pill upon pill upon pill upon pill to stabilize my mind and hormones so I don't jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I were insane. The funny kind. The really smart kind. So I could make friends in my head. I'm just tired of the one always trying to hold on. Fighting for love. I just want to be loved. To be told that I am worth being on this earth. That everything I experienced doesn't define me. To be needed. Over and over again until my life ends. So this is mostly why I blog. To get it out. To set the words free, or they will kill me. Even if I don't matter to anyone at least my blog is here. I do have Sora. I hope doesn't leave me. He says I'm not clingy, or to needy. It's so hard to believe that he loves me, that he is in love with me. Yea, I think to much.

Missing You, NO

Have you ever had that experience, where you miss something but you don't want to be missing it? Something that hurt you, but that something use to be that something that was worth having around. That something that made you smile. You wanted it there. To be around. It made you smile. Then, there was the pain. You couldn't understand why. Why did it have to hurt so much? Then it became all the time. But I loved. Loved a lot. So much. To much. Still do. Always will. But it doesn't matter. Lies turned to truth it is was no more, and all I am left with is the memory, the pain, the sorrow, the missing. Its not anyone cares. Which will be OK. I guess. Right now it defiantly does not feel that way. No, it hurts. A Lot. More than I like. Sigh. Why? why? I'm tired of this sadness that follows me. Just when I was starting to feel so bright. I love this time of year. I hate it now even more. Summer. Had always been my favorite. That's when the memories began. That's when it was over. So now I'm stuck missing things I don't want to, its not east to let go, I'm not even sure I know how...at all......part of me doesn't want to....I need to.........Someday, I will forget, but I guess you already did....