Hear My Complaint

No one wants to hear you complain, to hear your words, or understand there pain.
I can understand a Boundry, a line that shouldn't be crossed.
But if I have no one tot turn to when I need to talk...well then what do I do?
You not listening tells me I'm not worth it, that you have better things to attend to. That my place on this earth isn't worth considering. That my feelings and emotions are trash in this world of garbage that you just do not want to touch.
Who do I have if I am alone?
Honestly, I believe we are not meant to be alone. If we were, why are there so many of us? And if only certain people are precious, why were the rest of us born? If only a few are meant to be saved. Why bother at all with that claim, all are loved? Its a lie. It's a crime. Shameful to believe I am worth breathing at all.
You have left me speechless, because why speak if I will never be heard. Why be honest if it only hurts? You never care so then what happens...
People who are not heard find away...through pain...through suffering.....through burns....When people hurt, if not cared for, will hurt others, or themselves.
I hurt myself.
I am alone.
I don't matter.
I never did.
Did I?
All I ever wanted to was to let the world know they are loved....and all it did in return was kick me away, breaking me into pieces, and shattering my life to nothing.
If no one is willing to listen, even when I do, I always did, I was always there, no matter at what cost to me...but no, not for me. I am nothing and no one will listen to nothing....

I feel Lost

I don't know why, for sure, the actually reasons. I hurt. I'm lonely. I'm crying. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't. I cant do this. I just feel done. Wonder aimlessly through the forest. Shock my brain into amnesia...forget what so many have forgotten. Forget what so many have no idea.

My Own Blood

I don't fear death. In fact I dream of it. Imagine. Always gruesome. I can just vision my blood pouring out of me. Its always only me. The sight of blood on others, movies, etc. makes me nauseous. But my own, inspires me. I can just see myself falling onto a katana, hitting my organs, and just letting the pain overcome me. Its so wonderful. The sweet, sweet pain. Something, the only thing I have ever been able to control. My blood flow. Well, for the most part. Even if it wasn't myself always giving the wounds. My blood, was still mine, no one has taken that yet. I try an keep it, or let it go, its my will, the only thing I can will. Or that is how I have lived my life. I still, have a hard time overcoming the want, the itch, the desire to see my blood. To feel the skin separate, peel away from the flesh, meat, underneath. The small veins, the larger ones, cut into them, see the blue turn a bright red as it makes contact with the air. Dripping downward, flowing, following the lines of my skin. The brightness fades as I let it dry were it has fallen. Feeling the tingle of my wounds trying to heal themselves. Traumatized. Fear. Wondering why this was caused, why my brain let it happen. Sigh. Will I ever be better? I don't believe it, I seem to fall and will crash into the arms of death with as brutal a death as I can manage. I was never meant to be apart of this world. Not a living breathing being. Just a mere object to be used. Played with. But it is still my blood.

Without A Support

I have been reading some of my books again. One in particular called unsafe people. Again, I have discovered my weaknesses and wrongs. But also truths that I had begun to doubt. One being support. After so much turmoil from any "christian" community I became a firm believer that the bible was a lie in that we are to have support amongst friends. That the "church" should be a place of healing, grace, truth and acceptance, was all a huge, ugly lie. I kept hearing, only god. don't trust people. The biggest reason I struggled with being set free from my weakness', the blemish of falling for unsafe people, a big part [if not thee biggest part] of that was I never, ever had that support. Ever. I was condemned and hurt and disgraced. How could I love my self if the people god had left to love the world hated me? Sora has been my only support, and even he hadn't been there all the time until he had to see what he needed to be, what I needed to be safe, to be free. I never had a group of people to support me. To help me. I was working for people who didn't care about me. If I didn't do what they wanted, how they wanted I was, wrong. I was never built up, ever at that place. By some individuals who have chosen to not be apart of it, I had. The rest brought me down. Against the scripture they clung to. I found how hard you can fall when the people you expect to lift you up, hold you up, help you up push down. I am still having trouble believing it is worth it to be around people. I can't even get myself to, well to be anything for the time. People frighten me. They hurt. They can't be trusted. Except Sora, My beloved Sora, he is my everything.

My Nights Alone

It's that time of the week. Where I become the lonely, heart broken blogger sifting through the memories that refuse to stop haunting me. And when Sora is off making bare-bones living for us, that amazing man, I get so sad. I still am in no state to fight for the relationships that I once thought were so important. As I fell down they all sorta trickled of the side and far out of sight. When I am broken, why is there no one there for me? I really should be content. I have a man that loves me more then anything that this world could ever give and beyond. I am just struggling I suppose. It's not very easy to calm a raging see of lost emotions, broken feeling and dark memories. I feel so alone when he is at work and I sit in my bed, thinking. In reality, life is amazing right now. It's beautiful. We are on our way up and out. With a few more small bumps to over come. But the heart ache of a lifetime is so hard to get over, to forget, to move. So much of it seems so fresh. Its incredibly hard not to feel it. But feel so much its as if you are numb. Like you can't really be alive right now. You aren't really feeling anything. Nothing truly happened. Did it? I think sometimes I try to hard to convince myself it was all a bad dream. Twenty-six years, if only. I blog. I write. I draw. Mess with my photos. And yet I just cannot shake this loneliness. The sadness of not being the friend I thought I was. I guess I just was that good of one, to be fought for as I fade away into blackness. Slowly letting my sadness eat away at me. Soul and heart and flesh. I am just so tire of being depressed. And I wish that it could be so as easy as just a choice. I mean come on. I eat as healthy as I am able. I exercise. I'm not to fat. I get sun. I walk my puppy. I hug and cuddle. I take pill upon pill upon pill upon pill to stabilize my mind and hormones so I don't jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I were insane. The funny kind. The really smart kind. So I could make friends in my head. I'm just tired of the one always trying to hold on. Fighting for love. I just want to be loved. To be told that I am worth being on this earth. That everything I experienced doesn't define me. To be needed. Over and over again until my life ends. So this is mostly why I blog. To get it out. To set the words free, or they will kill me. Even if I don't matter to anyone at least my blog is here. I do have Sora. I hope doesn't leave me. He says I'm not clingy, or to needy. It's so hard to believe that he loves me, that he is in love with me. Yea, I think to much.

Fight For Myself

I have a hard time learning the difference in that of fighting for being myself and being selfish. Being a person of simple nature, mmm, mostly. There thing of material value that catch my eye. I love fashion, close, shoes, yes. And being a creative person, which takes money to be, so sadly. I don't want to seem selfish, which I probably am. I've just had a hell of a life for only 28 and I would just like to live a little. I never really had my "child", or even really my "youth" years. As far back I can remember I had major responsibility. And I have always cared for others. Given them everything I could for their benefit. And now I have nothing. Not even those I loved so much. When times got tough, when they thought the worst, they left. Just like that. So I sit day after, mostly alone. I mean my amazing Sora would be here with me, but he is being amazing and working so hard to make a living for us. I have just been so use to, well people. Being active in activities, especially this time of year, summer. I was always so, busy. And now, nothing. At all. I walk. A lot. I like it. Even when it rains, which is like every other day. Not to bad. The wind is what gets me, if its over 20mph, no thanks. Sigh, yea. Well I just don't know how I just express myself. I mean I feel like I know what I want, but is it what I need? I mean we do need human contact? Right? Am I just cursed? OR something. I feel like a plague. I try to be positive, I really do. I may not seem like it. I try and then that happens. Starts small, I can handle this and then SLAM, fucking hell. Sigh. I wish I was over exaggerating, that would make for a good story. I would laugh and be happy it wasn't my life. I have good things sure, yea. Food, most of the time, when I can eat it. A roof over my head, even if it's not mine and the certainty of having one consecutively is slim. Sigh. I have limbs. That for some reason I can't keep from being bruise, bitten, cut or an acquired abrasion in some way. Life time a of multiple abusive, sometime all at the same time. It's hard to stay positive. I do have one person. Who loves me unconditionally. He'll do just about anything for me. He is amazing. I am a pretty messed up person, so The fact the he does so much is pretty awesome. Like immaculate awesome. So I think I'll just go shed some drops from windows. Have a great week.

A Lonely Life

I have come to realize that even if I am surrounded by People, by Things. You can have people that care and people that hate you. You can have the small things you treasure so close, or piles of items all around. You can have the deepest love of the most precious person ever created and yet...feel so very alone. It can seem like you have so much, but do you really have anything at all? I feel as such. Like I could be fulfilled. Like I could have everything. That I could be satisfied...but it will never happen. I would long for hope in vain. Nothing of it, nothing for it. Its such a sad, pathetic existence. Truly who can save me from sorrows? Alas, no one. It's fine. I know I complain a lot. I suppose more then I have right to, which should be not at all I suppose. Yet here I am, hm. However, I am beginning to feel as if I'll become content in my world of pain and turmoil. Well, what can I say about it? You cannot reassure me. So here I'll sit, on my lonely planet of desert sorrow filled with dry painful sands. Yes, here I'll be.