Hear My Complaint

No one wants to hear you complain, to hear your words, or understand there pain.
I can understand a Boundry, a line that shouldn't be crossed.
But if I have no one tot turn to when I need to talk...well then what do I do?
You not listening tells me I'm not worth it, that you have better things to attend to. That my place on this earth isn't worth considering. That my feelings and emotions are trash in this world of garbage that you just do not want to touch.
Who do I have if I am alone?
Honestly, I believe we are not meant to be alone. If we were, why are there so many of us? And if only certain people are precious, why were the rest of us born? If only a few are meant to be saved. Why bother at all with that claim, all are loved? Its a lie. It's a crime. Shameful to believe I am worth breathing at all.
You have left me speechless, because why speak if I will never be heard. Why be honest if it only hurts? You never care so then what happens...
People who are not heard find away...through pain...through suffering.....through burns....When people hurt, if not cared for, will hurt others, or themselves.
I hurt myself.
I am alone.
I don't matter.
I never did.
Did I?
All I ever wanted to was to let the world know they are loved....and all it did in return was kick me away, breaking me into pieces, and shattering my life to nothing.
If no one is willing to listen, even when I do, I always did, I was always there, no matter at what cost to me...but no, not for me. I am nothing and no one will listen to nothing....

I Can't See

I feel as if I am always being watched. As if eyes are on me. Even in my dark empty room. Some thing creepy about, ready to pounce. Sigh such a creepy, creepy feeling I get. Terrified that I will be caught. I will be captured. That I will never escape from the horrors that still haunt my memories and my dreams. Marks I bare will never be seen. But I hurt all the same. Pain here. Pain there, a pain to remind me of care that I gave. Of gifts that were stolen. Ouch, I can't seem to take enough pain killers...or sleep aids...god I just want to be free...

I Hate Life

It's that simple...the end....until some one can god damn prove me wrong...fuck life......it'll hang soon

Where This Goes

A road I must take. A path I must follow. I have become so weak. I don't really want to try. I really have a hard time. That is where my thoughts go. Sadness filled. Loss of will. Sorrow in every words. But oh how I love my Sora, for ever surrounding me, my only desire. But is it enough. I fight the fear. I fight the feelings. I fight the need to run red. Cut so deeply. It smells so sweetly. As it darkens where it runs. Can I hold on? Will those lies be cleansed? Those horrid things that trap me here. The wicked web weaved by venomous spiders dread. Why must I suffer so? Why does it always hurt? Why must these flashbacks haunt so many hours, stealing away precious time with my beloved. I am a zombie to this world. Only media can keep me unfocused, redirected. So sad. I truly wish to be set free of these wretched chains. Hiding for fear of more pain, promises of such sad things. Wicked ways are rewarded, while weak broken beings are captured and flogged. My mind keep wondering down road I wish it wouldn't. Reminding me of horrors I can't actually remember. How can this be? And why does it hurt there? My head in constant pain. I fear my liver will fail before all unravels. Truly my mind is a cruel place to reside. Darkness is my dearest friend and tells calls to me often. He wishes so me to come play, play a game I could win by sinking deeper, deeper into him. Sigh, if only. I might, if these nerves do no calm themselves, yes if they don't calm.

To Give Respect

I use to believe that all people were given the right to my respect before I knew them, no matter what there past. I gave it freely, without question. I believed in giving a fresh chance. That is what I believed. At one time. I feel as if I can no longer trust let alone respect. I will just be devoured. Tormented. Forgotten. Broken. Shamed. I am a shell of a person. Mm. I don't know why but I am not afraid of, mm, something. I feel a freedom I have never had but I will never be the same, hm, ever. I don't know what that means...

My Stomach Ache

Bleh, seems like an always thing. god, who knew stress could actually kill, hahaha. Sigh. Yeah, they tell me someday it will be different. Someday I'll be able to eat again. Hm, meh. I have my deepest doubts. As I do about many things. I miss studying philosophy...it gives me an ulcer now. Love of wisdom, something society has begun to through out the window without a thought. And here I sit, unable to eat. Hoping, just hoping another organ will give out, causing my end. Sigh. Who knew that my life would come to this. I am always sad and depressed, but I have a resolve. To know truth. Even if there are so many things I fear. So many things that have...left me lifeless. Sigh, oh well. Nothing I can do about what the past has done to me. I face the question now is it worth the effort to recover. I sit in group and wonder what the others see. I don't fit in even here. A place people know abuse, I suppose I could claim them as kin. All kindred souls. Longing for hope in a world filled with pain. haha all this from my tummy aching. I hate my digestive system and with the way things go it seems to hate me as well...

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...