What I Am

A warrior. Fighting for the truth. Fighting for true love. Sigh, awwwawwwwwwwwww, I am so in love it's silly. Hee, hee. I am so proud to be married to just a great man, a gentleman. Hmm, sigh. He does make my life a better place to be. I am a lover. Of my beloveds soul. Heart. Spirit. It is an amazing sight to see. We are doing what we can to be who we are. True love.
I have discovered so much about myself in the last year. It has been really great. To be me, and be happy about that. I can never imagine being some one else. I especially cannot see my self with anyone else, they just could never measure up.

Justice In Death

As I travel through this predicament, this pain, I have beliefs. An understanding, of myself.
I am weak.
If I can't make it through this, if I die, killed by another, if my body can't take it any longer, if I take my own life, or when, I hope it will be a truth told to the world....
How the justice system can turn on a victim
How cruel they can be.
How they can blame me for what was forced upon me. The horrible things I was made to do.
The shame I am made to endure...all for the sake of others.
To protect those who came to hate me because of the monster who consumed me, body and soul. Took everything from me, and continues to try.
I want my death to proclaim the injustice given to victims world wide.
Mostly the women of the world, but also those men who where forced to endure horrible things.
When the wombs that carry the life of the world are tortured and treated as objects, as things, then the entire world suffers. This is a truth we cannot escape.
But why should be made to continue on in this life with these disgusting memories? Why should I have to pay the price, again, for the crimes of another?
I am tortured daily by the reminder of what I was made to do...just, so others would not suffer as I had, so that others would not die, so that those I loved would not be harmed.
Now I sit here dying because my body rejects everything that had been forced upon it. Can I ever live a normal life? Can I live?
I believe that answer to be know. Now one should be punished for the disgusting things that have been forced upon me.
The Pain.
The shame.
The horror.
And the fact that if I die, in a way they do win, but maybe other's will be saved, will be heard.
Because while I lived many did not listen.
They let it happen.
They punished me for the pain I was suffering.
They let it happen. And made me pay for it.
What is the point..........
There is no such thing as justice.....

I'm In Love

You know to much and yet you don't know me at all. You have listened but never heard a word of my story. You can think about the ideas, but never comprehend if you yourself have no means to compare it with. You can't ever tell someone you understand. Yes, you may understand pain, but you will never understand my story...and you never even try. So distant. I don't feel human. Stripped bare for all to see and yet know one has a single idea at what they are looking at. They can't comprehend the tortured soul lain out before them, exposed.
I wish my tears meant something. I wish I was loved. I wish I was cared for. I wish all those souls I loved so dearly actually loved me.
It's ok I'll move on or die. I have found that I am finding me. I am broken, and no one understands it all under this skin.
My beloved, my dear, my sweet, my wish, my prince...he keeps fighting for me, I am his, all his. He can have every inch of me. It isn't worth much. But,god, I will love him with ever atom creating my body.
You don't know this...but I am in love.

I feel Lost

I don't know why, for sure, the actually reasons. I hurt. I'm lonely. I'm crying. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't. I cant do this. I just feel done. Wonder aimlessly through the forest. Shock my brain into amnesia...forget what so many have forgotten. Forget what so many have no idea.

Being With People

I found out today I can't remember how. I wonder if I ever really have. It made me so sad. I don't feel normal. What ever that means. When I look back most of my memories are covered in pain. I feel like crying. Am I even human? Some one who only knows abuse as love? They say that's not true, that that isn't love, if it hurts...then why did they say that? what is...real love.....i  thought I knew...

Hating My Nightmares

I take medications to quiet them and still, they find ways o haunt me. To get into my head. My scramble the reception of a clean mind. Mumble, mumble. haha. I hate those nightmares. Especially the ones with those demons. The ones that chase me. The ones that did the most in human things possible. Making me feel the worthlessness I am. It seems to seep into every pore, and nothing I can do makes it go away, I can't even wash enough. eventually it fades to a mild ping, a small thought, a distant memory. What a curse. What a fear. Ha, who knew caring for people could be such a crime. Loving the broken really does get you crucified. I am no saviour. I am a sad, worthless creature who cannot find any purpose more then that of pain. Maybe I need stronger medication...

How To Live

Today I've found I'm not myself. I don't know is i ever was. Broken. Forever. But maybe I have worth. I was told today by a stranger, some one I barely know, that I do. I don't know what to think about it. I can't process it, really. How do I deal? I do I survive? How do I live....

Watching A Movie

Cuddling with my beloved. Trying to stay cozy on this chilly night. I love him. He bought me a Japanese peace lily today. I think I am having a moment a happiness...scary.

You Treat Her

I love twitter, so to speak, as much as you can love a spacial thing without it be any true form of love, it keeps my mind simplified. It is the easiest way for me to swallow the news without becoming more depressed or frightened. I like reading the quotes, making me thing, observe, consider my life in these words. There is this one I have seen often and written several variations, however, simply it goes as such: Her attitude is based on how YOU treat her. I believe to be a true statement, or so I thought. Then I realized that agreement is recent, very so. I use to have an attitude of compassion no matter how I was being treated. So for me this statement has been so very false it is pathetic in my head, or maybe it was an ok response. I always just wanted to love people, show them they are worth life, living, good things. But I never believed that about myself. My attitude had always been set on the needs of others, even through my abuse, I never blamed the abuser, I was just weak, or maybe that was the only way I would ever feel love, was through pain. I just needed to sacrifice everything I was, so others can be happy. Reading this quote I have come to realize how deformed my idea of self-care had become, how much I thought I was worth very little if not nothing at all.

The Wind Blows

It feels as if this storm does not want to stop, as if it really has no intention to do so. I am in a way fine with that. I tried to keep myself asleep for, well ever if I could, last night, Sigh. I know I really don't need to work hard at it. But I believe I must prove something first. It is more to show. That I was not wrong, but very much wrong, then left to be feed to the wolves. I had never been so shocked I think, to know how cold supposed people who follow a doctrine of love could. I had always tried to believe that those places where indeed where you could find unconditional love. No hoops to jump trough, just love me through this. I had hoped I would be rescued, Instead I feel like I was lead before the people with a false crime and told I was to be stoned. And so I was. But those that judge in the stead of god's will pay a great price, according to their writings. I am not afraid of this. Indeed, for I know Iwas not wrong, it was not me. Being batter and broken and forcing to hide it to save lives, well, how can that be wrong. I do wish this storm would blow me away, far, far away from people and their cruelties. Their harmful words and brutal actions. Sigh, I wish I would stop crying, so I can smile for him. Maybe that is a goal. To try and smile. So simple yet so very difficult. I wish I had the strength of the wind. To know when weather must be pulled in or pushed out or just chill and enjoy the ride. Yes, the wind, what a wise being.

What About Storms

I really love them, I at least that is what I might say. They could be wonderful. They could be sweet. Listening to the rain come down, listening to it pour. The wind whipping tree, the wind tossing waves. So glorious a sight. So mighty a fright. What a time to cuddle, bundle, and read.
I sorta still feel that way...
But it's not like I actually hate them, I just hate them. Storms. Remindeers of my turmoil of a life. raging like the open see in hurricane winds. no shelter. No hope. No survival. Ship wrecked and broken and sunken to the bottom of the sea. Storms, reminding me of my loneliness, so close and yet so far, so distant are we. Family, friends, who are they? This storm goes on for days. Locking me inside, reminding me of my cage. They places I could never escape, no matter what I tried. Death wouldn't even free me from those horrid claws, with such an evil grasp. Yes storms remind me of the darkness daily consuming me. No light will ever shine here because the sun has died on this dreary planet. Alone in space to drowned. They are such awful things, storms. Taking away the little joys in life giving you no reason to hope. Hold noting close, for it will surly be swept away. god awful storms...

Where This Goes

A road I must take. A path I must follow. I have become so weak. I don't really want to try. I really have a hard time. That is where my thoughts go. Sadness filled. Loss of will. Sorrow in every words. But oh how I love my Sora, for ever surrounding me, my only desire. But is it enough. I fight the fear. I fight the feelings. I fight the need to run red. Cut so deeply. It smells so sweetly. As it darkens where it runs. Can I hold on? Will those lies be cleansed? Those horrid things that trap me here. The wicked web weaved by venomous spiders dread. Why must I suffer so? Why does it always hurt? Why must these flashbacks haunt so many hours, stealing away precious time with my beloved. I am a zombie to this world. Only media can keep me unfocused, redirected. So sad. I truly wish to be set free of these wretched chains. Hiding for fear of more pain, promises of such sad things. Wicked ways are rewarded, while weak broken beings are captured and flogged. My mind keep wondering down road I wish it wouldn't. Reminding me of horrors I can't actually remember. How can this be? And why does it hurt there? My head in constant pain. I fear my liver will fail before all unravels. Truly my mind is a cruel place to reside. Darkness is my dearest friend and tells calls to me often. He wishes so me to come play, play a game I could win by sinking deeper, deeper into him. Sigh, if only. I might, if these nerves do no calm themselves, yes if they don't calm.

I Cried Today

As it rains outside. It poured in my room. The tears crashed downward to my hands, my legs, the blankets. My head throbbing. Silent weeping. Sorrow overflowing. No words. Just sadness.

A Pathetic You

You can't like what you never wanted. You can't desire something forced upon you. Yon can't be in love with a lie. There is no truth when it has to be made, forced, for the convenience of another, to take away from some one weaker to make yourself feel stronger. But really, when you think about it, who really is the weak one? Having to prey on the sad and hurt to feel strong. Forcing others to except you so that you can feel needed, wanted...sigh, how pathetic. I still hate myself, hate the feelings of being a victim, but at least I didn't corrupt happiness. No matter what any one tries to tell me, I only loved, even when there was pain, even it was taken, even when I wanted to die...I loved. What can the wicked say? It was all about them. So sad. What a pathetic and hopeless existence. To be so useless. To be so selfish. The world is full of people how in hell could it ever just be about you...

The People Know

It amuses me, of the reality being expressed by people hundreds of miles away, who I haven't seen in so long, who, at some points, I haven't spoken to in what seems like for ever, know. That they can know how much we are in love with each other. People who can confirm the truth, the truth that so many others try to get me to doubt. What kind of person I am. Who we are to each other, always have been. I believe we were born to be each others. Sakura and Sora forever. They know that just through my voice, through our experiences, how much love we have for each other. Unending. Unconditional. It blows my mind that so many different souls, form different places, from different walks of life, can all come to the same conclusion. Free thinkers knowing a truth about a two single, yet combined, human beings. It is like magic that cannot be explained. He never gave up on me, even when I was so ready. He never, ever, left my heart and soul alone. Thank you, those of you who have proven me wrong and believed in this love. In my love. For exposing my doubts and giving me a small seed of hope...

I Am Weak

I may be weak. I do have flaws. I am sad. But I know I am not wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It was not my fault. It was theirs. For being weak. Being sad creatures. Needing to feed of the weak. Trying to hide behind their own sorrows. Trying to blame me for their weaknesses  Just because some one is nice and caring and open, does not equal seduction. That's crap. It was wrong. I never wanted it. I never, ever asked for. No matter what I had to tell them to keep them from making me suffer more, causing more pain. I never wanted it. I was great before. I was very happy. I was satisfied  I never, ever needed their pathetic weakness that consumed me. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean shit. I shouldn't have to be afraid that just because I have a friendly smile some one will think I like them and try raping me. That's crap. That's hell. Fuck that. I have been beaten and used and threatened. I won't be ever again. I actually have some one who loves me, has never ever taken from me. He is the only one who has ever loved me. I am hurt, and broken, but he is the only one I have ever loved.

Sad Inside Me

Tears falling down my face, right now. Its sad how sad I can get, I am always sad it seems, even when I smile. I think I have always been sad inside. I tried to hide, well I did, no one ever knew how sad I was on the inside. I hid it so well. To protect others mostly. We who cares if I am happy? Its doesn't matter to anyone. This world is fine with just another sad face in hidden in the crowd. I never liked to stand out anyway. It freaked me out. I don't deal with crowds well. I suppose I cry from fear as well, now that I think about it. I can't really remember the last time I wasn't afraid....hm...how sad......haha, how ironic. I am a fearfully, sad irony filled soul, welcome, laugh at my misfortune as people are well known to do. I just sit in my favorite corner of this closet and cry, maybe bleed a little....just a little...

In My Thoughts

When you think to much, as I do, you realize things, stuff. Especially after the years of unforgiving experiences and sorrows, the rivers of information to explain why it all happened to the depth of each human psyche. It so strange. You feel as if you should have known those things you have learned, should have known from the beginning. Knowledge you wish you could of had. Mm, like that Katy Perry song that talks about wishing she would have known so she would have dived in, not given her all, because it wasn't going to work. You wonder what happens to the time and love you put in? Does it just disappear, as if it had never been? I guess so. I wish I had give so much away, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad right now. I wish I hadn't cared about anyone, than this would be so painful. Sad, its who I am, I can't help it, I even try to help it, to not be compassionate, sigh, I just can not be compassionate. I feel as if it is in my blood. It is everything I am. Because I hate the fact there are people who don't believe they are loved or will ever be so. I have felt that way most of my life, which is why I am so drained now. I was never given love to just be loved, no never. Until Sora, of course, well he even had to change and grow. But he was never like the rest. They "loved" me to get what ever it was they needed, ego bust, self-worth, pride, to victimize, such my life out to feed themselves...sigh, yea well, humans disappoint, are no loyal, safe, hopeful  Most of them anyway. I just wish I would have been more aware of the fact that I really was so weak, an easy prey. That I wasn't strong enough to fight. That I didn't know anyone strong enough to save me. Sigh. The things you have to learn after the fact, so sad. goddamn I hate life, or living I suppose would be a better reference. I'm to weak to be apart of this word. I have always been. Its seems funny to me now, to hear people proclaim I am strong, that I have strength. I wonder who they think I am? How could they think such a thing, I want to die, how is that strong  Oh well. People are silly. I can't be rageful very long, at all. It vanishes like smoke from an extinguished candle. Which I hope my life will reciprocate, soon.

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn