Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn

Exposure To Trauma

Imagine have not one but numerable encounters with trauma. Surrounded by an atmosphere one should not be in as a new born/toddler; sex, drug ,rock and roll.1,2,3,4,5 car accidents, one almost fatal. Parents in separate almost fatal car accidents. a private school your family couldn't afford, and people knew it, that treated you as if you would never amount to anything. Verbal bullying from peers as a child. 15-20 funerals in my short lifetime. Uncle steals from you as a child, does drug in front of you. Molested by a cousin, who lived with us. He died.....And on and on...I could stop there, but There is so much more to my story, so much more horrible things.
I had an ideal growing up, of who I wanted to be, virtues I gleaned from the huge bundles of reading I did, after awhile reading became a survival tool. The people I would read about, my heroes  the people I wanted to be like, were real, they had issues, they pains, but they persevered through it all, be came stronger. Were amazing people that everyone loved, well except those who hated the fact that they were loved. But they were selfless, hard working, charming, mannered, sure, helpful, loving of all, kind of people. Yea they made mistakes, but they always cared. That is what I wanted to be. And that is what I have always striven for, until very recently  For with time and the multiple efforts of evil in the world, I slowly and painfully began loosing all of my self-worth, yet continued to give, to love, with that being my only desire, to love and hopefully be loved. Alas, I never felt what true love should have felt like. Abuse, abuse, abuse. So much trauma there are days, months, sometimes years I cannot remember because my being was so hurt it couldn't stand it. I began to be 'taught' that I was worthless, only to be used and abused, little less than garbage. Yet. still I stove to share love with the world. But all it did was take, my virtues, my essence, my life. I am an empty shell now that is suspended in this time to be tormented by my thoughts and memories. I have been so depressed most of my life my internal self began to self-destruct, not only by the people that surrounded me but by the pain I caused myself  I have been completely drained of a normal life by all the trauma I have been forced to experience. I've lost and organ, I can't eat, I can't sleep, my short term memory is completely impaired, my emotions are a storm, I have no control, I am loosing, I am lost. I am terrified of living, life and all the other things in it. I have had the ability to enjoy life taken from me. Ripped from me with brutal force. With no mercy. Trauma is not something to laugh at. It is not a joke. The pain you caused is permanent. I am forever marked by your evil.

What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

The Soul Journey

So I have decided to make this blog a visual for me, and others, as I take this journey to find myself. It will be a road of long coming in discovery. I will be searching and researching the religion of the earth, the spiritual source that calls to me. Please don't judge. Don't correct. This is for me. And those who want something to follow. This is not a place to violently criticize. I want hope. I want love. I long to know myself for what i was meant to be. my Past took that from me. I sacrificed myself for 25 years, for nothing. This will  be an undoing, a rebirth. I have had many struggles. I have had much pain. I have had many turmoils. I am not bragging. I am not proclaiming to be more of a martyr then you or whoever. This is my declaration of my truths and my exploration of my soul. Feel free to join me, and know there is love here. For that is what I desire.