What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

Thinking In Future

So weird thoughts lately, I realization I suppose to be more accurate. I have always thought about what I wanted, dreamed about future things but I have never actually planned they would happen. Honestly i never planned to live this long. I was sure I would of died or killed myself. I was close. However, spending all this amazing time with my beloved, I have for the first time seen a light in my future. It amazes me the greatness of his love that has continually shown to me unconditionally, well the only condition is that I remain alive. I have never experience such a thing from anyone. I had always hoped such a love existed. I had believed for so long in a religion that I believed to hold such a key. Of course that dreams was shattered of the wait of lies and deception crushed everything I was for so many long years. Now I have been given a life, through everything he has given me. I am wary of clinging to any human still. I still have this concept I fight with in my head about my uselessness, my wretchedness. But, god, how I love this man who has continued to rescue me from the clutches of the sad, pathetic past of mine. Now I begin to write down plans for an amazing adventure everyday with him. He works so hard for us, he is only human but he works so damn hard for something that I have not been able to truly believe. It has been something at the core what I dearly believe for every cognitive moment of my being. The words that he expresses are so clearly shown in his actions, making want to share the world with him in every way I possibly can. Oh to think the places we will go, the things we will see around the world. Traveling to far away places of beauty and realities unknown to us in the shelters place of these states. The hope of owning a little place not far from the cost to call our own. I would always talk about it out of routine lines along which path a life should being taking in their next steps. These days have been an entirely new experience in this area of the future. I actually have hope. Making me smile deep inside, knowing that this is the best revenge I could lay out for those wretches who've thought they blackened my life. You fucked up my past but hell if I'm letting you have anything to do with my future.