Best Day Ever

So today is the greatest day in history, in all of time. Haha to some this may be silly but the celebration of my dearest Sora, My dear love is one of the grandest things for me! He gives me purpose, life. Why would I want to live otherwise? I wouldn't. He has given me the chance to consider the worth of each breath I take. He is the truest person I have ever known. I always feel loved. He doesn't hesitate to do anything for me, unless of course it is to my demise. Something he truly despises, the hurt I have. The pain. I am overwhelming excited to celebrate the gift of my love tonight, He will know that I love appreciate him. How much I truly love him. I am far from anything that could be considered perfect. I am, truly, a horrible person. And in my opinion not the greatest to be around. And yet His favorite place to be is by my side. I am so happy for today. Because today His mother, not knowingly, gifted me the most priceless gift of all time. I know he can't save me from myself, and he isn't perfect...but he is perfect for me. I LOVE HIM!!!!! hee

The Old Stuff

So today was a huge marker in my life, in our lives. Sora and I have moved just about everything we own to our new location. I would say I'll miss the old place, but I don't know if that is true. I am taking with me the possessions that bring me the most peace and love. That give me security, some sense of possibly hope. There are a few priceless treasures that I wish I could bring with me, however they have a home there, where they are. I feel free-er. Actually, possibly, maybe be hopeful....maybe. Well now I must, either end it or prepare for the journey from here on out. Love much.

Today Is Today

Finally, the weather is showing it's season. It is raining and it feels so amazing. Very refreshing and renewing. To a point. It gives me even more of a reason to hide behind it. To be someone I can't in front of others, any others. There is always judgment, always. I can walk to through the crying sky and expose myself to the world because no one is looking. Hide behind the vale of wetness all around. I adore the cold rain. The delicate sweet smell of earthly sorrow. It's ok, I am ok. Being alone in the dark is fine with me

In Hidden Pain

So today, and yesterday, I have been ill. Bleh. I do not like being so. Well, to a point I don't, in the fact that it can be so agonizing. I use to wish to fall ill so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrid hell I worked in. Sigh, I am a sad existence, yes? I do like being so because it puts me on the edge of something I long for. A small brink of a sorrowful ending. Sometimes, I wish I had never loved, never reached out. Just remained hidden to the world, so that taking my life wouldn't be selfish. It's pathetic but that's the only reason I stay here. That I don't banish myself to hell or whatever. Don't worry about me. I wish he didn't love me so much. I wish he didn't care, so that it wouldn't hurt, if only for a short time, but pain him. He says it will. Part of me thinks it would be a release. A burden lifted. Sigh, but I know he does truly love me. So I know in that it would hurt him. So I suppose I will continue to hide here, in this suffering. In this pain.

A Happy Day

So today was great. Its weird to say such things because its rare. Or at least it seems hard to enjoy days at all. But my love has made it possible. Yes, my sweet darling dear! I feel sad to say that retail therapy is a fashionable cure to my wallowing sorrows. And a huge plus was that I am able to be with my love, just my love. Even when surrounded by hundreds of people. Sigh. Yes, however will I live? What shall I be? No Life to live without thee...Even in my despair I am a hopeless romantic and I need him, and only him, more then air.

A Lonely Life

I have come to realize that even if I am surrounded by People, by Things. You can have people that care and people that hate you. You can have the small things you treasure so close, or piles of items all around. You can have the deepest love of the most precious person ever created and yet...feel so very alone. It can seem like you have so much, but do you really have anything at all? I feel as such. Like I could be fulfilled. Like I could have everything. That I could be satisfied...but it will never happen. I would long for hope in vain. Nothing of it, nothing for it. Its such a sad, pathetic existence. Truly who can save me from sorrows? Alas, no one. It's fine. I know I complain a lot. I suppose more then I have right to, which should be not at all I suppose. Yet here I am, hm. However, I am beginning to feel as if I'll become content in my world of pain and turmoil. Well, what can I say about it? You cannot reassure me. So here I'll sit, on my lonely planet of desert sorrow filled with dry painful sands. Yes, here I'll be.

Death Is Safe

Sitting in a graveyard is one of the safest places for me to rest. To feel safe. It seems sad to me at points to feel that way. That being around most people, or just people in general causes pain. Why, well because they hurt. They cause so much pain I can't function. How pathetic I feel. My inner intuition feels the depth, the core of of each soul that I come in contact with. It's strange. I can be a in a room full of people and get a glimpse of what each one is experiencing. Not a completely clear view of their soul, no just a small glimpse. Its like staring in the darkness at a door while a light is shining from the other side letting the keyhole glow from the dark side. That light feels as if it is apart of me. Will I ever be free? This should be a gift. Oh, Well

To Choose Life

I have to say that at this point, I'm tired of trying. I am tired of people just not getting. People saying they love me yet not caring enough to get to know me. Damn, what a bunch of hypocrites. I suppose I can't blame them. Aren't we all of evil origins? Don't we all at some point take away any purity by the sinful desires we wish to fulfill? Burn. Hate. Forget. Break. Let go. Turn away. Lie. Deceive. Don't we all at some point achieve our own agenda through the broken remnants of another souls? Yes, at least at some point. So it it true that I cannot blame them. However, I do hate them. Some more then others. You preach of mercy, love, and care. What a fucking lie. Was what you did to me such? Was your plot, one of joy? Nay, perhaps for you. I'm sure my life fluid coursing from the wounds was a pleasant smell for you. I can imagine the pure bliss you received from my brokenness as I shattered into a thousand pieces at your feet. Oh how cruel you smile enveloped me. And now as I sit here typing you have the world and I am left with nothing. No, you made sure of that. after all I gave. After all I suffered for you. This is the gift you give in return. How horrible I perceive myself. You retched religion makes me sick. I am glad say I have no part of it. I am not completely free. A lifetime of co-horsed suffer in the light of lies has imprinted many character brands. Not so easily washed away. But this I Know with time will disappear. My new heart dedication has filled my life with something weightless. Someplace more hopeful. If even I can lay claim to such a term...

Till this Time

So right now I get that you don't get it. So stop. Just let me live my LIFE. It's not yours. If you are not going to care about WHO I am then, just stop, just go away. I'm tired of all the hate. Of all the pain. If you get let me be me, then this will never be. Its so terribly true. My sadness consumes me. I have discovered the pressure you placed on me to sink me down. You and him and her and they. All for what and all for why? This journey is becoming to much for me to handle...Like you would really care if I ended it tonight?