Who You Are

"Tell me who loves thee, and I shall tell you who you are", Or something like that. A quote. By a Aristotle I believe  not sure though. For most of my life that has been abusers. So what did that make me? I am not entirely sure. I feel myself waning. So many times, wanting to not exist. But then I see his eyes or read the words of my favorite philosophers and poets, and I feel alive. I want to be known by the love my Sora gives. Even if it is only one person who loves me. I think I could live. His love his so amazing, so deep, so strong. Not demanding, no fear, no shame or guilt. Nothing to tell me I'm worthless. I am so mystified by his love for me. I, at the small moments of time, dream to show the world what love really is, by reflecting what he gives. The only one to sacrifice. To fight. to save. To never, ever give up. To look past the pain. To discover my weakness, my burden, my shame of wanting pain. And he just simply but complicatedly just loves me, forever.

Thinking In Future

So weird thoughts lately, I realization I suppose to be more accurate. I have always thought about what I wanted, dreamed about future things but I have never actually planned they would happen. Honestly i never planned to live this long. I was sure I would of died or killed myself. I was close. However, spending all this amazing time with my beloved, I have for the first time seen a light in my future. It amazes me the greatness of his love that has continually shown to me unconditionally, well the only condition is that I remain alive. I have never experience such a thing from anyone. I had always hoped such a love existed. I had believed for so long in a religion that I believed to hold such a key. Of course that dreams was shattered of the wait of lies and deception crushed everything I was for so many long years. Now I have been given a life, through everything he has given me. I am wary of clinging to any human still. I still have this concept I fight with in my head about my uselessness, my wretchedness. But, god, how I love this man who has continued to rescue me from the clutches of the sad, pathetic past of mine. Now I begin to write down plans for an amazing adventure everyday with him. He works so hard for us, he is only human but he works so damn hard for something that I have not been able to truly believe. It has been something at the core what I dearly believe for every cognitive moment of my being. The words that he expresses are so clearly shown in his actions, making want to share the world with him in every way I possibly can. Oh to think the places we will go, the things we will see around the world. Traveling to far away places of beauty and realities unknown to us in the shelters place of these states. The hope of owning a little place not far from the cost to call our own. I would always talk about it out of routine lines along which path a life should being taking in their next steps. These days have been an entirely new experience in this area of the future. I actually have hope. Making me smile deep inside, knowing that this is the best revenge I could lay out for those wretches who've thought they blackened my life. You fucked up my past but hell if I'm letting you have anything to do with my future.

In Hidden Pain

So today, and yesterday, I have been ill. Bleh. I do not like being so. Well, to a point I don't, in the fact that it can be so agonizing. I use to wish to fall ill so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrid hell I worked in. Sigh, I am a sad existence, yes? I do like being so because it puts me on the edge of something I long for. A small brink of a sorrowful ending. Sometimes, I wish I had never loved, never reached out. Just remained hidden to the world, so that taking my life wouldn't be selfish. It's pathetic but that's the only reason I stay here. That I don't banish myself to hell or whatever. Don't worry about me. I wish he didn't love me so much. I wish he didn't care, so that it wouldn't hurt, if only for a short time, but pain him. He says it will. Part of me thinks it would be a release. A burden lifted. Sigh, but I know he does truly love me. So I know in that it would hurt him. So I suppose I will continue to hide here, in this suffering. In this pain.