Fight For Myself

I have a hard time learning the difference in that of fighting for being myself and being selfish. Being a person of simple nature, mmm, mostly. There thing of material value that catch my eye. I love fashion, close, shoes, yes. And being a creative person, which takes money to be, so sadly. I don't want to seem selfish, which I probably am. I've just had a hell of a life for only 28 and I would just like to live a little. I never really had my "child", or even really my "youth" years. As far back I can remember I had major responsibility. And I have always cared for others. Given them everything I could for their benefit. And now I have nothing. Not even those I loved so much. When times got tough, when they thought the worst, they left. Just like that. So I sit day after, mostly alone. I mean my amazing Sora would be here with me, but he is being amazing and working so hard to make a living for us. I have just been so use to, well people. Being active in activities, especially this time of year, summer. I was always so, busy. And now, nothing. At all. I walk. A lot. I like it. Even when it rains, which is like every other day. Not to bad. The wind is what gets me, if its over 20mph, no thanks. Sigh, yea. Well I just don't know how I just express myself. I mean I feel like I know what I want, but is it what I need? I mean we do need human contact? Right? Am I just cursed? OR something. I feel like a plague. I try to be positive, I really do. I may not seem like it. I try and then that happens. Starts small, I can handle this and then SLAM, fucking hell. Sigh. I wish I was over exaggerating, that would make for a good story. I would laugh and be happy it wasn't my life. I have good things sure, yea. Food, most of the time, when I can eat it. A roof over my head, even if it's not mine and the certainty of having one consecutively is slim. Sigh. I have limbs. That for some reason I can't keep from being bruise, bitten, cut or an acquired abrasion in some way. Life time a of multiple abusive, sometime all at the same time. It's hard to stay positive. I do have one person. Who loves me unconditionally. He'll do just about anything for me. He is amazing. I am a pretty messed up person, so The fact the he does so much is pretty awesome. Like immaculate awesome. So I think I'll just go shed some drops from windows. Have a great week.

Life Is Worthless

Well in definition only mine. Its hard to live in an existence where you believe life is precious but you hate the fact that you are breathing. How can someone like me exist? Why do I? Am I only to exist in pain, in suffering? I am just fucking lame. I deserve the worst depth of hell, burning in sweet desires of turmoil. Yea, I don't get it. Why I hate life, living so very much. Way to often I make the one I love the most hurt, because I hurt myself....because I have had so much pain I feel as if I cannot breath without it. Yes, I really am pathetic.

In Hidden Pain

So today, and yesterday, I have been ill. Bleh. I do not like being so. Well, to a point I don't, in the fact that it can be so agonizing. I use to wish to fall ill so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrid hell I worked in. Sigh, I am a sad existence, yes? I do like being so because it puts me on the edge of something I long for. A small brink of a sorrowful ending. Sometimes, I wish I had never loved, never reached out. Just remained hidden to the world, so that taking my life wouldn't be selfish. It's pathetic but that's the only reason I stay here. That I don't banish myself to hell or whatever. Don't worry about me. I wish he didn't love me so much. I wish he didn't care, so that it wouldn't hurt, if only for a short time, but pain him. He says it will. Part of me thinks it would be a release. A burden lifted. Sigh, but I know he does truly love me. So I know in that it would hurt him. So I suppose I will continue to hide here, in this suffering. In this pain.

A Lonely Life

I have come to realize that even if I am surrounded by People, by Things. You can have people that care and people that hate you. You can have the small things you treasure so close, or piles of items all around. You can have the deepest love of the most precious person ever created and yet...feel so very alone. It can seem like you have so much, but do you really have anything at all? I feel as such. Like I could be fulfilled. Like I could have everything. That I could be satisfied...but it will never happen. I would long for hope in vain. Nothing of it, nothing for it. Its such a sad, pathetic existence. Truly who can save me from sorrows? Alas, no one. It's fine. I know I complain a lot. I suppose more then I have right to, which should be not at all I suppose. Yet here I am, hm. However, I am beginning to feel as if I'll become content in my world of pain and turmoil. Well, what can I say about it? You cannot reassure me. So here I'll sit, on my lonely planet of desert sorrow filled with dry painful sands. Yes, here I'll be.

Death Is Safe

Sitting in a graveyard is one of the safest places for me to rest. To feel safe. It seems sad to me at points to feel that way. That being around most people, or just people in general causes pain. Why, well because they hurt. They cause so much pain I can't function. How pathetic I feel. My inner intuition feels the depth, the core of of each soul that I come in contact with. It's strange. I can be a in a room full of people and get a glimpse of what each one is experiencing. Not a completely clear view of their soul, no just a small glimpse. Its like staring in the darkness at a door while a light is shining from the other side letting the keyhole glow from the dark side. That light feels as if it is apart of me. Will I ever be free? This should be a gift. Oh, Well