In The Sky

I love fireworks. I haven't seen them of July the fourth for about four years. Lived in a place in was against the law. Memories. My best firework experiences have all been within the last seven years, so the three years prior to the last four, haha, wow. And they have all been with Sora. Hee, he has always made my memories a better a place. No matter how broken and lost I seem to get. How far I fall, he's there. I wish he could have been there tonight. As they lit up the sky. We sat in the harbor. It was spectacular. The show started even before the show started, haha. Everywhere around us fireworks of all kinds were being set off. High in the sky to squealing on the ground. I was so giddy. It was nice to be in a happy moment since...since those times. I can still here people setting the sky on fire as I type. Two hours later, into the night. Silly people, I'm glad their having fun. I hope they are all being safe. Probably not, but hey, one can hope. Now that I have started to get a spark of it, hope, it sometimes feels contagious. Sometimes it flows into parts of my mind I don't need hope. Well, I shouldn't want it there. The heart can be an evil thing. I wish I could watch fireworks all night long. I wish That's all I could think about. I wish...

Hate The Bate

God, why? Why do I do this to myself? It's all just so fucking disappointing. I just need to get it all waaaaay out of my head. I will tonight, tomorrow, up to the end of this week. I will erase any factor that remained of my life that once was. What is in it to bring joy or memories worth keeping? There were once so many things that had brought me such great joy, such happiness. Now, now it is nothing. I am no longer apart of it. An I never will be again. I have become what I wanted, ha, for once in my life, I got what I wanted. To be forgot. Sigh. In way I am relieved. Sadly so. Why? Well, because of all that I gave, of the love that was shared by so many precious treasures, gone. With the snap of a finger. Not even a rumor to remain. Sigh. That is fine. All that will remain of them with be letters in the space of time. I won't even remember for why. I will erase it, all of it. From the beginning to now. As I write my story on the cover of pages to be read for future lives, I will forget. I will no longer fall foolishly before a broken spirit to their aid. No. Damn them all. ha. I guess I can never be an actual Buddhist. Or anything one with nature for that point. You can't hate life. Some say you cannot hate and love. But I do. I love this man that gives me everything. With nothing but my love in return to guide him. Now that, that is the life. I think I'll go to the river tomorrow and get my feet wet. Hm, yea, sounds like fun. After lunch with my beloved of course.

Life Is Worthless

Well in definition only mine. Its hard to live in an existence where you believe life is precious but you hate the fact that you are breathing. How can someone like me exist? Why do I? Am I only to exist in pain, in suffering? I am just fucking lame. I deserve the worst depth of hell, burning in sweet desires of turmoil. Yea, I don't get it. Why I hate life, living so very much. Way to often I make the one I love the most hurt, because I hurt myself....because I have had so much pain I feel as if I cannot breath without it. Yes, I really am pathetic.