Hate The Bate

God, why? Why do I do this to myself? It's all just so fucking disappointing. I just need to get it all waaaaay out of my head. I will tonight, tomorrow, up to the end of this week. I will erase any factor that remained of my life that once was. What is in it to bring joy or memories worth keeping? There were once so many things that had brought me such great joy, such happiness. Now, now it is nothing. I am no longer apart of it. An I never will be again. I have become what I wanted, ha, for once in my life, I got what I wanted. To be forgot. Sigh. In way I am relieved. Sadly so. Why? Well, because of all that I gave, of the love that was shared by so many precious treasures, gone. With the snap of a finger. Not even a rumor to remain. Sigh. That is fine. All that will remain of them with be letters in the space of time. I won't even remember for why. I will erase it, all of it. From the beginning to now. As I write my story on the cover of pages to be read for future lives, I will forget. I will no longer fall foolishly before a broken spirit to their aid. No. Damn them all. ha. I guess I can never be an actual Buddhist. Or anything one with nature for that point. You can't hate life. Some say you cannot hate and love. But I do. I love this man that gives me everything. With nothing but my love in return to guide him. Now that, that is the life. I think I'll go to the river tomorrow and get my feet wet. Hm, yea, sounds like fun. After lunch with my beloved of course.

Twisted Times Again

I sit before you again, well my dear comp in your stead, in the turns of change. The most constant thing in my life is god-awful change. Its not that I don't like, by all means great things can come from it. I welcome it on happy and great occasions. When something glorious can be celebrated from the chains of change, it is a most welcoming friend. But alas it brings with a great heartache at times. For most or maybe for some changing locations can be a great adventure. For me, it is variably associated with the most negative of experiences. Hasn't ever really been something to enjoy, at all. It meant that something horrible was about to happen, or that most inevitably would come to fruition. I'm really just a broken being trying to deal with the hell I was brought up in to the world that I have found myself in today. Honestly, I am not truly sure how to cope with life situations normally. I'm still learning. The only this is if I'll make it through it.