Prisoner Of Self

Here I sit, brooding. Bubbling like a coudlrun ready to boil over. My thoughts are over flowing. I feel captive by them. They hold me under siege in my own brain. Trapped my the this thought and that thought. Fear. I don't live like a human who should be a alive is, or, uh something like that, sigh. I hurt all over. Sora doesn't know I haven;t been keeping things down. I thought since he was around I would ok, alas, no. I want to be free. Will I ever be free. I want to talk. I want to get it all out. Every detail of every painful moment. Would you understand, or would you judge. I fear judgement, rejection even more then I have already experienced. I feel so wretched I have a .........to watch a horror flick. Ick. i hate those. They freak me out. And then I get the worst nightmares, ever. Sigh. I can't even watch animal shows that have operations, I get sick. I hate being scared. I feel as if it has been a constant fact of my life and only now I am aware of what this feeling, this emotion or whatever you call it is. I never really knew. I mean I felt like something was wrong,sure, I think. That this shouldn't be happening to me. I just want to cry every day all day till I dry up and remain no more. How sad? It hurt to try and be happy, positive even. Can you even understand what that's like? TO be in total darkness then brought into the like suddenly. You are blind. In denial. This isn't how it is suppose to be. This is a lie, this light. That is how if feels, for starters. I am afraid to get a job, to be close to other people. I am afraid to spend to much time, if any, in public. If was for the ingrained feeling of wanting to be clean, to wash myself of the...the...filth, I might not even shower, ugh, disgusting. To know this and still, I don't get it. To have been hurt so much at a young age, so much mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, that you get addicted to the pain. I just didn't get it, until I read it, several times. I feel so sick. Well, At least I get it. Addiction, ha. At what fucking cost. My life. I have none. Fuck, ah! I am so sick of living in this...pit. Normally my thoughts just do what I trained them to, or as I learned, lead to thoughts of self destruction. You become so depressed, so much pain, your mind and body and soul go into totally self destruct mode. Crazy. I learned this the other day, books and such, therapy. they've done studies. Research. Its sad that it happens so much they have researched it. You truly believe your are worthless and try to destroy yourself, self-mutilation, suicidal, eating disorders, etc. It goes on. I didn't understand it. I mean you can know something, I guess, but never understand until BANG, it hits you. Some how. Mostly painfully. Because it happened so often for so long and I believed is was my fault..., I was dirty, no one would believe me, you fear "those" people who generously used you, you care about them, you don't believe they meant to hurt you, no ... will ...ever... understand. I still fight these thoughts everyday. They plague me more as I realize it was true that know one would believe me.

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...

My Own Blood

I don't fear death. In fact I dream of it. Imagine. Always gruesome. I can just vision my blood pouring out of me. Its always only me. The sight of blood on others, movies, etc. makes me nauseous. But my own, inspires me. I can just see myself falling onto a katana, hitting my organs, and just letting the pain overcome me. Its so wonderful. The sweet, sweet pain. Something, the only thing I have ever been able to control. My blood flow. Well, for the most part. Even if it wasn't myself always giving the wounds. My blood, was still mine, no one has taken that yet. I try an keep it, or let it go, its my will, the only thing I can will. Or that is how I have lived my life. I still, have a hard time overcoming the want, the itch, the desire to see my blood. To feel the skin separate, peel away from the flesh, meat, underneath. The small veins, the larger ones, cut into them, see the blue turn a bright red as it makes contact with the air. Dripping downward, flowing, following the lines of my skin. The brightness fades as I let it dry were it has fallen. Feeling the tingle of my wounds trying to heal themselves. Traumatized. Fear. Wondering why this was caused, why my brain let it happen. Sigh. Will I ever be better? I don't believe it, I seem to fall and will crash into the arms of death with as brutal a death as I can manage. I was never meant to be apart of this world. Not a living breathing being. Just a mere object to be used. Played with. But it is still my blood.

What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

Afraid, The World

How pathetic you are, a grown woman, afraid of the world, I say to myself looking back in the mirror. How can you live like this? You can't. I'm not alive. I am the living dead. No hope for this hopeless creature. This is how I feel. I am being controlled by what is not my choice. Living each moment as if there is no other. So much sadness. It is strange. How corroded life, people can be. When I a person isn't happy, they curse others with their unhappiness. It's a sad life. Even sadder then mine. To not even be satisfied by a religion you cling to, like a leech sucking life out. To be everything you don't proclaim to be. I am glad I am not that. A fake, religious zealot. That is pathetic. Sigh. So now I will either sit, hidden from the world, never trusting a soul, again, ever, except Sora. Or do I die and wither away? I am forgot. I will be more so. Why not just die and me dragged to hell? To know the depths of fire that burns with no mercy, no light and wishing to be there instead of a heaven without pain or suffering, why? Because of them. I don't want to turn into them. If that is what it means to be apart of that faith, that religion, I won't ever be. They have shown me their god doesn't like a sad creature such as I. I am not made to be saved or loved. Their heaven has no room for me. A broken soul. Plus, I cannot forgive. I am done forgiving. Done letting people hurt me and saying you are forgiven. Beaten, its fine. Bruised, its ok. Slain, you are loved. Where was my love? Only Sora. Their has only been Sora. I so do wish, many times, he had been stronger sooner, to save me. Been in my life sooner, to hold me. Love me, like he does now. Even as I look down on myself because of what, what my past, my hurt, my pain, my burden from generations of my family, of weak, sorrowful beings, who welcome pain. To let the willing break our hearts and ruin whatever of us they can so they could be happy, only to leave my family members dying of bitterness and shame, alone, with nothing. Only the greedy, prideful bigots die with much, but still alone. The wise, the truly wise die with many hearts around them. My wisdom may have come to late. Ha, well, I believe this to be true, my dear, sweet husbands believes otherwise. He believes there is life behind my eyes. If life is my love for him, well, then just perhaps. For I love him with ever ounce of everything and anything that is me. Most days I fight that notion. I, I am just so afraid of other humans. I have read book after book, and I still am having trouble being convinced there are safe people out there. They all just want to cause pain. To leave. To abounded when you are weak. To shame you. TO take from you. To hurt you in any way they can to make themselves feel better. What a wretched creature, humans. Love seems impossible. I would have bet my life on it. Those words. I was so close in taking it. Till he came, till he saved me. He didn't have to. I could have left and no longer be this emotional burden, but yet he loves me enough to be there, in every single humanly possible way, and then some. I ramble, rumble, like thunder in the distance that is barely noticed, like a desert storm that never comes. How sad a creature am I? My opinion, very. Sigh. Well tonight I hope the nightmares let me sleep a few, so I can see his face tomorrow.

Who You Are

"Tell me who loves thee, and I shall tell you who you are", Or something like that. A quote. By a Aristotle I believe  not sure though. For most of my life that has been abusers. So what did that make me? I am not entirely sure. I feel myself waning. So many times, wanting to not exist. But then I see his eyes or read the words of my favorite philosophers and poets, and I feel alive. I want to be known by the love my Sora gives. Even if it is only one person who loves me. I think I could live. His love his so amazing, so deep, so strong. Not demanding, no fear, no shame or guilt. Nothing to tell me I'm worthless. I am so mystified by his love for me. I, at the small moments of time, dream to show the world what love really is, by reflecting what he gives. The only one to sacrifice. To fight. to save. To never, ever give up. To look past the pain. To discover my weakness, my burden, my shame of wanting pain. And he just simply but complicatedly just loves me, forever.

Is This Life

I hate being afraid. Being scared. Being frightened. I thought that I wanted to live. Now I am not so sure. I mean, what it there to look forward to...people who get a thrill out of hurting you. Never feeling safe. Will I ever feel safe? Sigh. There is no guarantee. Can't trust anyone. I watch these shows about people dying, slowly, painfully, wishing it were me. My mind just wonders there. It always has. Expect when Sora is around, he makes me feel alive. As if I really want to live. Sigh. But each time he brings me back to life, I feel like dying again from the contact I make with others. People who say things like "friends", "family", "love", caring", blah, blah, blah...lie after lie. Sigh. I fell for each one, out of fear. Fear that it will won't really be there. Fear of...well. I suppose I can't really describe to the fear of people you love or care about, unless of course it has happened to you. To think to that to be loved was to have bruises, blood, nightmares, fear of never actually waking. To think, just imagine, that was a way of life. To live in constant fear. Terror. But never with Sora. I wish We could just live. I wish. I wish I didn't have so much fear that I can feel it. In every part of my body, the pain. Headaches come and go. My digestive system can't seem to handle the sorrow, the fear, the hurt. My back goes out. My teeth. My heart. So will I die or will I live? All I have is Sora, I think some days I feel so broken that I am not worth fixing...

Without A Support

I have been reading some of my books again. One in particular called unsafe people. Again, I have discovered my weaknesses and wrongs. But also truths that I had begun to doubt. One being support. After so much turmoil from any "christian" community I became a firm believer that the bible was a lie in that we are to have support amongst friends. That the "church" should be a place of healing, grace, truth and acceptance, was all a huge, ugly lie. I kept hearing, only god. don't trust people. The biggest reason I struggled with being set free from my weakness', the blemish of falling for unsafe people, a big part [if not thee biggest part] of that was I never, ever had that support. Ever. I was condemned and hurt and disgraced. How could I love my self if the people god had left to love the world hated me? Sora has been my only support, and even he hadn't been there all the time until he had to see what he needed to be, what I needed to be safe, to be free. I never had a group of people to support me. To help me. I was working for people who didn't care about me. If I didn't do what they wanted, how they wanted I was, wrong. I was never built up, ever at that place. By some individuals who have chosen to not be apart of it, I had. The rest brought me down. Against the scripture they clung to. I found how hard you can fall when the people you expect to lift you up, hold you up, help you up push down. I am still having trouble believing it is worth it to be around people. I can't even get myself to, well to be anything for the time. People frighten me. They hurt. They can't be trusted. Except Sora, My beloved Sora, he is my everything.

Abuse In Solitude

These past months of solitude have shown me much about myself. For the first time in my life, since before I could remember, I have been completely removed from every and any kind of abuse. Never ever feeling safe. Not knowing what real love was. I have what been able to see what my heart and soul had been twistedly molded into. This deformed, rejected creature who was more then willing to let the monsters steal whatever they wanted from me. My flesh. My virtues. My emotions. My feelings. My heart. My dreams. My hopes. Anything that would make me, well alive, living, breathing, independent. A person of free will. Capable of caring for myself. I was a robot controlled by the first beast to take the controls. No self-esteem, no self-worth. I was a weakling trying to play strong. A part I failed at. All those I looked up to. Hoping to help me. Took more. I never got help. Just more a abuse. I trusted them. They never saw how hurt I was. They kept blaming me. I was wrong. I was hurt, broken. That was wrong? Why? Why did you let it happen?  Why didn't you save me from the pain like you said you would? Why didn't you protect me like you promised? I was alone. You blamed me for being a victim? I had no security. I wasn't safe. I thought the only way out was death. You made me believe I wasn't loved, I couldn't be. I was no good. All I was worth was less then your garbage. Is it my fault for not knowing I wasn't ever really loved? Was it my fault for thinking it was ok to be beaten, taken advantage of, with no words to speak? Was it my fault for being afraid of brutal monsters eating flesh, my soul? Am I not human, simply because each person I opened my heart to, willingly molested, beat, shredded and left my heart to die in filthy pits, because I didn't know how to stop it? Because I believed that was love?

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.

Bad Day Dreams

I can't get it out of my head. The nightmares. Vulnerability. Horrible images. Doubt. Broken heart. Fear. Neglect. Loneliness, like a cold winter chill. I can't shake the crimes befallen me. I just was bleed enough to let it all run out. Life is a cruel place to be, with cruel people having fun off your hardships. Hm, wish it were a paying job. I am to over qualified for anything else. I suppose it's nightmares for eternity.