Prisoner Of Self

Here I sit, brooding. Bubbling like a coudlrun ready to boil over. My thoughts are over flowing. I feel captive by them. They hold me under siege in my own brain. Trapped my the this thought and that thought. Fear. I don't live like a human who should be a alive is, or, uh something like that, sigh. I hurt all over. Sora doesn't know I haven;t been keeping things down. I thought since he was around I would ok, alas, no. I want to be free. Will I ever be free. I want to talk. I want to get it all out. Every detail of every painful moment. Would you understand, or would you judge. I fear judgement, rejection even more then I have already experienced. I feel so wretched I have a .........to watch a horror flick. Ick. i hate those. They freak me out. And then I get the worst nightmares, ever. Sigh. I can't even watch animal shows that have operations, I get sick. I hate being scared. I feel as if it has been a constant fact of my life and only now I am aware of what this feeling, this emotion or whatever you call it is. I never really knew. I mean I felt like something was wrong,sure, I think. That this shouldn't be happening to me. I just want to cry every day all day till I dry up and remain no more. How sad? It hurt to try and be happy, positive even. Can you even understand what that's like? TO be in total darkness then brought into the like suddenly. You are blind. In denial. This isn't how it is suppose to be. This is a lie, this light. That is how if feels, for starters. I am afraid to get a job, to be close to other people. I am afraid to spend to much time, if any, in public. If was for the ingrained feeling of wanting to be clean, to wash myself of the...the...filth, I might not even shower, ugh, disgusting. To know this and still, I don't get it. To have been hurt so much at a young age, so much mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, that you get addicted to the pain. I just didn't get it, until I read it, several times. I feel so sick. Well, At least I get it. Addiction, ha. At what fucking cost. My life. I have none. Fuck, ah! I am so sick of living in this...pit. Normally my thoughts just do what I trained them to, or as I learned, lead to thoughts of self destruction. You become so depressed, so much pain, your mind and body and soul go into totally self destruct mode. Crazy. I learned this the other day, books and such, therapy. they've done studies. Research. Its sad that it happens so much they have researched it. You truly believe your are worthless and try to destroy yourself, self-mutilation, suicidal, eating disorders, etc. It goes on. I didn't understand it. I mean you can know something, I guess, but never understand until BANG, it hits you. Some how. Mostly painfully. Because it happened so often for so long and I believed is was my fault..., I was dirty, no one would believe me, you fear "those" people who generously used you, you care about them, you don't believe they meant to hurt you, no ... will ...ever... understand. I still fight these thoughts everyday. They plague me more as I realize it was true that know one would believe me.