Is This Life

I hate being afraid. Being scared. Being frightened. I thought that I wanted to live. Now I am not so sure. I mean, what it there to look forward to...people who get a thrill out of hurting you. Never feeling safe. Will I ever feel safe? Sigh. There is no guarantee. Can't trust anyone. I watch these shows about people dying, slowly, painfully, wishing it were me. My mind just wonders there. It always has. Expect when Sora is around, he makes me feel alive. As if I really want to live. Sigh. But each time he brings me back to life, I feel like dying again from the contact I make with others. People who say things like "friends", "family", "love", caring", blah, blah, blah...lie after lie. Sigh. I fell for each one, out of fear. Fear that it will won't really be there. Fear of...well. I suppose I can't really describe to the fear of people you love or care about, unless of course it has happened to you. To think to that to be loved was to have bruises, blood, nightmares, fear of never actually waking. To think, just imagine, that was a way of life. To live in constant fear. Terror. But never with Sora. I wish We could just live. I wish. I wish I didn't have so much fear that I can feel it. In every part of my body, the pain. Headaches come and go. My digestive system can't seem to handle the sorrow, the fear, the hurt. My back goes out. My teeth. My heart. So will I die or will I live? All I have is Sora, I think some days I feel so broken that I am not worth fixing...