Down The Tunnel

So I have thus discovered a side of myself I have never known. I freedom of sorts, within my own skin. To be set free of the limitations put on ourselves by society, others, and the worst ones, by one self. How sad to see the classic individual stuck in the everyday rut. Yea, I had found myself amongst the robotic nation, told to be an unique individual according to their rules. And if one steps out a back lash of judgments and accusations are released, leaving the single being alone. Even in today's world, western society, where moralism has come crashing down, fallen like a crumbled empire. Something that was once so strong, something that gave us reason and structure is quickly fading away. So, since my journey out of the past and from blistering life hardships, I have found that I am becoming less caring about what people think of me. It is severely pleasuring. To be set free from shackles I never knew I was wearing. Sigh, oh the joys of being oneself in world filled to the brim with fakeness.

It Is Ok

For the first time in my life, I might actually believe that..that this life could work. Well I suppose we should see...oh and guess what, I didn't those people who left me hurting and in pain by the side of the road of life...huh, go fucking figure ^^

The Breaking Point

So it seems that there is a truth to the phrase breaking point, however at which bend you break is the actual point. And what I mean by that comes from my experiences within the last several day. Which in actuality would be from a cumulative course of time. Years and months and weeks and days, a continuation of the time spent surviving. Then you reach point in which all the pressure from the weight carried through the life's corrupted experience cause a soul burst. The already excessively broken heart becomes a shell of uselessness. You don't really hate, you don't truly love. You could walk through my past and you would get the response that I was a kind, loving, selfless person. Of course you would also hear an underlying tone of hate. Why? Well I never understood it, I still don't. Why hate someone who care about you? Who loves you with no conditions? I have found that very large amount of people in this cruel world hate love. Its true. Look at those that give unconditionally. There are always hurtful, shameless rumors swarming around their existence. Things that could turn a heart cold. I have come to that very point. I have finished being that "loving" person, the one who lets those poor hurting souls walk all over them so that their pain could feel a little less. You selfish stupid little creatures. I have never felt this way, or even thought this way. In a way it is freeing. I don't fear death or the afterlife. I don't really care what happens in the future. I know I no longer will live for useless worthless emotions. I don't need you, I don't need them. You don't want me, that's ok. You are no longer welcome into my heart. It is sealed away into the darkness I have let consume me. I will live, if only for awhile, a life of not this or that for you or them. No you are on your own. You of little faith. You who have to turn to darkness to feel in control of your chaotic world. You walk around, parading light, when in darkness and dankness you heart resides. Yes, you are truly pathetic. Happy living.

Battered and Bruised

The past has taken its toll on many a poor soul who have had the privilege to cross its wretched path. Taken away precious treasures never to be returned. For some of us ripped away in merciless sorrow. The gifts given at birth, stolen during those shattered moments when we have no control. When we are ensnared within the twisted web cast by fates design, nothing can set us free. Like toys set out to play before the child, whose spoiled. Yes I have felt my life to be as such. A doll played with, abused without thought, broken then thrown away. Laughed at. Forgotten. Easily left behind. It was so easy for you to give me away...

Today Has Changed

Today not like the days gone by. The difference is subtle. No one can see it. No one will care enough. That's ok. I want to slip away. To...to what. I've come to no really know, well, anything. Try, why? Live a worthless life is pointless, beyond this point. Why has it changed, well I suppose we shall see...

This Day Is

I suppose I will always feel this way. How can I not. Its what I prefer. The pain and suffering. Its easier to deal with. What beauty is there in sorrow. What joy be there in trials. Oh so pleasurable be the torture that never ends in the life that has nothing but abuse. I suppose I continue to have this view so I never have to be in disappointment of the fact my life isnt worth the happiness. No matter how much or hard I strive.

Here At Last

Yep, made it to the new land. And as we traveled, my insides were being torn apart, molecule by molecule. From what? My existence. How can you live on if living on is hell. Sure, you have this thing or maybe that thing that is horrible or doesn't suck. The pain from ever other thing and most of what was just eats at you. When you've waiting for a life time for some one to stand up for you, and now that you want to die...now you stick up? I'm sorry, well actually no I am not. For some strange reason, well actually because to much pain and only medication applied to cover up the ailment is whats wrong. To long tried and given tools to keep the pain at bay and now it appears at full force, devouring any small ounce of life left. But as I was saying the reasoning behind by inability to apologies is because my hold on my will has slipped. Yes, I no longer have a grip...haha. I don't even feel sad about, which I suppose is sad. It seems as if, its gone. Anything that might have made me me has just simply taken of, rid itself of me. Tired of trying to fight the awful battle raging inside. Can I blame it? It has been quite a trial, one that was held behind a facade so what seems like eons. Nothing left to contain it. No purpose. So what now then....

Lights Going Out

I feel, well I suppose that's the reason why I hurt so much is because I can feel. Existing in the world of feeling and emotions cause such, horrid notion for the importance of life. I have so much trouble believing the few people who remain when they tell things are going to get better. How? One road after the other I have taken has lead me to the worst parts of hell. I am just so tired of it. Wouldn't you? I mean you love without conditions. You give ever ounce of your being to those around, those that you live and die for. You express your needs, your ideals of love, life, and family. And the all you get, all you have left...is really nothing. Like bandits in the night, those people you gave up your dreams to help them reach theirs, take every drop of life from you. It sucks. I know I say I have nothing. But I suppose what I mean is that what I have is useless. Stolen dreams. Broken spirit. Shattered heart. Torn soul. Lacking desires. Faithless hope. Withering body. Lifeless life. What good can I do with any of those things...trash, garbage, rubbish. Is that all I am worth? I tried to be beautiful on the inside, even though I knew how imperfect I am. I know how many times I have failed. Those times and places I have hurt people. I hated being in those moments. I died a little inside every time I was aware of the pain caused by my stupid self. Sigh. But what does it matter, for me to confess to you? What will you do with it? Well I do hope for as long as I write, that my words can be useful to you. Those beautiful faces I will never receive the pleasure of experiencing. Even though I do not value my pitiful life. I do yours. Even if I don't know you. Why, because I know how precious each life that has touched mine. Even those that have torn me to piece and left me in the mud. If you are breathing, dear one, you are...precious. Luv Much