Happy Engagement Day

As it comes to an end. As the day closes and opens to a new one. As we pass on this day of celebration of so many wonderful years promised to each other, my beloved and I. We are forever, we are one, till the end.

Airing Of Grievances

I could say there is much for me to feel ill about. So much pain. Sigh. But I can't feel angry. I think I was for bits, and some times for pieces, but never wholly or continually. I just cannot feel that way. I feel sorrow, overbearing sorrow. Sadness. So much. It is to much. Weighing me down. I feel like crying out my tears and my fears for all the world to hear, alas they will fall on def ears. Like they have for all my life. And now I sit alone, wanting nothing to do with this world, ever again. So much easier to just hide away. To die. Sigh. I just can't take all this horror in my head. Repeating over and over everything, so disgusting. And people dare to label that love. If that is so...i don't want it.....so in this i will....grieve....

Hear My Complaint

No one wants to hear you complain, to hear your words, or understand there pain.
I can understand a Boundry, a line that shouldn't be crossed.
But if I have no one tot turn to when I need to talk...well then what do I do?
You not listening tells me I'm not worth it, that you have better things to attend to. That my place on this earth isn't worth considering. That my feelings and emotions are trash in this world of garbage that you just do not want to touch.
Who do I have if I am alone?
Honestly, I believe we are not meant to be alone. If we were, why are there so many of us? And if only certain people are precious, why were the rest of us born? If only a few are meant to be saved. Why bother at all with that claim, all are loved? Its a lie. It's a crime. Shameful to believe I am worth breathing at all.
You have left me speechless, because why speak if I will never be heard. Why be honest if it only hurts? You never care so then what happens...
People who are not heard find away...through pain...through suffering.....through burns....When people hurt, if not cared for, will hurt others, or themselves.
I hurt myself.
I am alone.
I don't matter.
I never did.
Did I?
All I ever wanted to was to let the world know they are loved....and all it did in return was kick me away, breaking me into pieces, and shattering my life to nothing.
If no one is willing to listen, even when I do, I always did, I was always there, no matter at what cost to me...but no, not for me. I am nothing and no one will listen to nothing....

Life Is Death

There is this rotting pain, deep in my stomach. Churning, burning, fuming...disgusting. I feel hurt. I feel hate. I feel...to much. I feel numb.
The memories burned in to the back of my eye lids that haunt me in my sleep. But darkness fills my days. My mind can't make sense of it all, sadly, my body does. The reactions of actions taken so long ago, or maybe not that long ago.
Some children were killed today. By a very broken person. They morn for the children. I can see why. I wish I could be one of them...so I would have to deal with the shit I've been through. So I could be set free. But yeah, morn for them. I suppose I do. Innocence lost. Souls who watched, burdened, forever, Stained. This society doesn't care enough about the things that could help this...no we talk about guns and rights. That man had a right. Not to kill. Not to hurt. That is never a right. Taking a life is a heavy burden, any one who can so willing rip life away, well, there are consequences for them.
Life should be seen as precious. He was broken, and not enough was done to save that man...who could have saved all those children...
But what does this society care about other peoples "issues". Nothing, right?
Mental health is a big deal. But we don't make it that. Violence. We accept it, unless it happens in real life or to us. We are a sick country. It isn't about the guns. It isn't about our rights. It is about our communities and our health. Two things that have slid dip into the ditch where no one cares to look or dig it up out of. This will continue to happen. People will die in awful ways.
People will kill themselves.
People will treat others like shit.
Because...we have lost our morals.
We have lost it all.
Because we are not as caring a community as we claim. Or today wouldn't have happened. Stress is a killer, and it doesn't care who it takes down or how many. Evil lurks in the sweetest of places.
Those of us who have to sit and morn alone, for the prices we've had to pay for evil, for the crimes silently made against us. The nation will never know. They will never, ever care. If anything I suffer more because, why, well it isn't ever simple. Wicked people are broken people. People society pushes aside, ignores them and hopes they will go away.
You as a society created this. and you know it.
There are worse things that happen every day and we can't scream loud enough for anyone to care, especially never morn, for the things we have lost and will never, ever get back.
I am a sad lonely creature who will probably die alone. But so what. No one will morn for me.
Something I am to slowly coming to terms with.
I once was so in love with love, and service and hope, and joy, and life....but they stole that and now I seem nothing more then an old bitter crone....so sad,

I Can't See

I feel as if I am always being watched. As if eyes are on me. Even in my dark empty room. Some thing creepy about, ready to pounce. Sigh such a creepy, creepy feeling I get. Terrified that I will be caught. I will be captured. That I will never escape from the horrors that still haunt my memories and my dreams. Marks I bare will never be seen. But I hurt all the same. Pain here. Pain there, a pain to remind me of care that I gave. Of gifts that were stolen. Ouch, I can't seem to take enough pain killers...or sleep aids...god I just want to be free...

I Hate Life

It's that simple...the end....until some one can god damn prove me wrong...fuck life......it'll hang soon

We Went Shopping

I hate it. I love it. It tires me so. As does it him. The people. The aesthetics. I become so overwhelmed by all the.....stuff. But I have this little thing were I really do like to buy things, specific things. I don't just like buying. I have goals. Items in which I have found a desire to own. Which I find weird. Cause I do not like wanting. I feel it a sin to want anything. There are so many who have nothing. Sigh. I've been there. Having nothing. I am sooooo there mentally and spiritually. I am completely empty. I feel like shopping helps sometimes. I feel worth something when I spend money. Well even more so when he spends it on me. Mm. Sigh but I feel guilty all the time. I'm glad we don't do it often. I much rather enjoy our cuddle time. He is so incredible at it. I got lost in him, my teddy bear.

I'm In Love

You know to much and yet you don't know me at all. You have listened but never heard a word of my story. You can think about the ideas, but never comprehend if you yourself have no means to compare it with. You can't ever tell someone you understand. Yes, you may understand pain, but you will never understand my story...and you never even try. So distant. I don't feel human. Stripped bare for all to see and yet know one has a single idea at what they are looking at. They can't comprehend the tortured soul lain out before them, exposed.
I wish my tears meant something. I wish I was loved. I wish I was cared for. I wish all those souls I loved so dearly actually loved me.
It's ok I'll move on or die. I have found that I am finding me. I am broken, and no one understands it all under this skin.
My beloved, my dear, my sweet, my wish, my prince...he keeps fighting for me, I am his, all his. He can have every inch of me. It isn't worth much. But,god, I will love him with ever atom creating my body.
You don't know this...but I am in love.

I feel Lost

I don't know why, for sure, the actually reasons. I hurt. I'm lonely. I'm crying. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't. I cant do this. I just feel done. Wonder aimlessly through the forest. Shock my brain into amnesia...forget what so many have forgotten. Forget what so many have no idea.

Being With People

I found out today I can't remember how. I wonder if I ever really have. It made me so sad. I don't feel normal. What ever that means. When I look back most of my memories are covered in pain. I feel like crying. Am I even human? Some one who only knows abuse as love? They say that's not true, that that isn't love, if it hurts...then why did they say that? what is...real love.....i  thought I knew...

Hating My Nightmares

I take medications to quiet them and still, they find ways o haunt me. To get into my head. My scramble the reception of a clean mind. Mumble, mumble. haha. I hate those nightmares. Especially the ones with those demons. The ones that chase me. The ones that did the most in human things possible. Making me feel the worthlessness I am. It seems to seep into every pore, and nothing I can do makes it go away, I can't even wash enough. eventually it fades to a mild ping, a small thought, a distant memory. What a curse. What a fear. Ha, who knew caring for people could be such a crime. Loving the broken really does get you crucified. I am no saviour. I am a sad, worthless creature who cannot find any purpose more then that of pain. Maybe I need stronger medication...

How To Live

Today I've found I'm not myself. I don't know is i ever was. Broken. Forever. But maybe I have worth. I was told today by a stranger, some one I barely know, that I do. I don't know what to think about it. I can't process it, really. How do I deal? I do I survive? How do I live....

Watching A Movie

Cuddling with my beloved. Trying to stay cozy on this chilly night. I love him. He bought me a Japanese peace lily today. I think I am having a moment a happiness...scary.

You Treat Her

I love twitter, so to speak, as much as you can love a spacial thing without it be any true form of love, it keeps my mind simplified. It is the easiest way for me to swallow the news without becoming more depressed or frightened. I like reading the quotes, making me thing, observe, consider my life in these words. There is this one I have seen often and written several variations, however, simply it goes as such: Her attitude is based on how YOU treat her. I believe to be a true statement, or so I thought. Then I realized that agreement is recent, very so. I use to have an attitude of compassion no matter how I was being treated. So for me this statement has been so very false it is pathetic in my head, or maybe it was an ok response. I always just wanted to love people, show them they are worth life, living, good things. But I never believed that about myself. My attitude had always been set on the needs of others, even through my abuse, I never blamed the abuser, I was just weak, or maybe that was the only way I would ever feel love, was through pain. I just needed to sacrifice everything I was, so others can be happy. Reading this quote I have come to realize how deformed my idea of self-care had become, how much I thought I was worth very little if not nothing at all.

The Wind Blows

It feels as if this storm does not want to stop, as if it really has no intention to do so. I am in a way fine with that. I tried to keep myself asleep for, well ever if I could, last night, Sigh. I know I really don't need to work hard at it. But I believe I must prove something first. It is more to show. That I was not wrong, but very much wrong, then left to be feed to the wolves. I had never been so shocked I think, to know how cold supposed people who follow a doctrine of love could. I had always tried to believe that those places where indeed where you could find unconditional love. No hoops to jump trough, just love me through this. I had hoped I would be rescued, Instead I feel like I was lead before the people with a false crime and told I was to be stoned. And so I was. But those that judge in the stead of god's will pay a great price, according to their writings. I am not afraid of this. Indeed, for I know Iwas not wrong, it was not me. Being batter and broken and forcing to hide it to save lives, well, how can that be wrong. I do wish this storm would blow me away, far, far away from people and their cruelties. Their harmful words and brutal actions. Sigh, I wish I would stop crying, so I can smile for him. Maybe that is a goal. To try and smile. So simple yet so very difficult. I wish I had the strength of the wind. To know when weather must be pulled in or pushed out or just chill and enjoy the ride. Yes, the wind, what a wise being.

What About Storms

I really love them, I at least that is what I might say. They could be wonderful. They could be sweet. Listening to the rain come down, listening to it pour. The wind whipping tree, the wind tossing waves. So glorious a sight. So mighty a fright. What a time to cuddle, bundle, and read.
I sorta still feel that way...
But it's not like I actually hate them, I just hate them. Storms. Remindeers of my turmoil of a life. raging like the open see in hurricane winds. no shelter. No hope. No survival. Ship wrecked and broken and sunken to the bottom of the sea. Storms, reminding me of my loneliness, so close and yet so far, so distant are we. Family, friends, who are they? This storm goes on for days. Locking me inside, reminding me of my cage. They places I could never escape, no matter what I tried. Death wouldn't even free me from those horrid claws, with such an evil grasp. Yes storms remind me of the darkness daily consuming me. No light will ever shine here because the sun has died on this dreary planet. Alone in space to drowned. They are such awful things, storms. Taking away the little joys in life giving you no reason to hope. Hold noting close, for it will surly be swept away. god awful storms...

Where This Goes

A road I must take. A path I must follow. I have become so weak. I don't really want to try. I really have a hard time. That is where my thoughts go. Sadness filled. Loss of will. Sorrow in every words. But oh how I love my Sora, for ever surrounding me, my only desire. But is it enough. I fight the fear. I fight the feelings. I fight the need to run red. Cut so deeply. It smells so sweetly. As it darkens where it runs. Can I hold on? Will those lies be cleansed? Those horrid things that trap me here. The wicked web weaved by venomous spiders dread. Why must I suffer so? Why does it always hurt? Why must these flashbacks haunt so many hours, stealing away precious time with my beloved. I am a zombie to this world. Only media can keep me unfocused, redirected. So sad. I truly wish to be set free of these wretched chains. Hiding for fear of more pain, promises of such sad things. Wicked ways are rewarded, while weak broken beings are captured and flogged. My mind keep wondering down road I wish it wouldn't. Reminding me of horrors I can't actually remember. How can this be? And why does it hurt there? My head in constant pain. I fear my liver will fail before all unravels. Truly my mind is a cruel place to reside. Darkness is my dearest friend and tells calls to me often. He wishes so me to come play, play a game I could win by sinking deeper, deeper into him. Sigh, if only. I might, if these nerves do no calm themselves, yes if they don't calm.

I Cried Today

As it rains outside. It poured in my room. The tears crashed downward to my hands, my legs, the blankets. My head throbbing. Silent weeping. Sorrow overflowing. No words. Just sadness.

To Give Respect

I use to believe that all people were given the right to my respect before I knew them, no matter what there past. I gave it freely, without question. I believed in giving a fresh chance. That is what I believed. At one time. I feel as if I can no longer trust let alone respect. I will just be devoured. Tormented. Forgotten. Broken. Shamed. I am a shell of a person. Mm. I don't know why but I am not afraid of, mm, something. I feel a freedom I have never had but I will never be the same, hm, ever. I don't know what that means...

A Pathetic You

You can't like what you never wanted. You can't desire something forced upon you. Yon can't be in love with a lie. There is no truth when it has to be made, forced, for the convenience of another, to take away from some one weaker to make yourself feel stronger. But really, when you think about it, who really is the weak one? Having to prey on the sad and hurt to feel strong. Forcing others to except you so that you can feel needed, wanted...sigh, how pathetic. I still hate myself, hate the feelings of being a victim, but at least I didn't corrupt happiness. No matter what any one tries to tell me, I only loved, even when there was pain, even it was taken, even when I wanted to die...I loved. What can the wicked say? It was all about them. So sad. What a pathetic and hopeless existence. To be so useless. To be so selfish. The world is full of people how in hell could it ever just be about you...

My Stomach Ache

Bleh, seems like an always thing. god, who knew stress could actually kill, hahaha. Sigh. Yeah, they tell me someday it will be different. Someday I'll be able to eat again. Hm, meh. I have my deepest doubts. As I do about many things. I miss studying philosophy...it gives me an ulcer now. Love of wisdom, something society has begun to through out the window without a thought. And here I sit, unable to eat. Hoping, just hoping another organ will give out, causing my end. Sigh. Who knew that my life would come to this. I am always sad and depressed, but I have a resolve. To know truth. Even if there are so many things I fear. So many things that have...left me lifeless. Sigh, oh well. Nothing I can do about what the past has done to me. I face the question now is it worth the effort to recover. I sit in group and wonder what the others see. I don't fit in even here. A place people know abuse, I suppose I could claim them as kin. All kindred souls. Longing for hope in a world filled with pain. haha all this from my tummy aching. I hate my digestive system and with the way things go it seems to hate me as well...

The People Know

It amuses me, of the reality being expressed by people hundreds of miles away, who I haven't seen in so long, who, at some points, I haven't spoken to in what seems like for ever, know. That they can know how much we are in love with each other. People who can confirm the truth, the truth that so many others try to get me to doubt. What kind of person I am. Who we are to each other, always have been. I believe we were born to be each others. Sakura and Sora forever. They know that just through my voice, through our experiences, how much love we have for each other. Unending. Unconditional. It blows my mind that so many different souls, form different places, from different walks of life, can all come to the same conclusion. Free thinkers knowing a truth about a two single, yet combined, human beings. It is like magic that cannot be explained. He never gave up on me, even when I was so ready. He never, ever, left my heart and soul alone. Thank you, those of you who have proven me wrong and believed in this love. In my love. For exposing my doubts and giving me a small seed of hope...

I Am Weak

I may be weak. I do have flaws. I am sad. But I know I am not wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It was not my fault. It was theirs. For being weak. Being sad creatures. Needing to feed of the weak. Trying to hide behind their own sorrows. Trying to blame me for their weaknesses  Just because some one is nice and caring and open, does not equal seduction. That's crap. It was wrong. I never wanted it. I never, ever asked for. No matter what I had to tell them to keep them from making me suffer more, causing more pain. I never wanted it. I was great before. I was very happy. I was satisfied  I never, ever needed their pathetic weakness that consumed me. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean shit. I shouldn't have to be afraid that just because I have a friendly smile some one will think I like them and try raping me. That's crap. That's hell. Fuck that. I have been beaten and used and threatened. I won't be ever again. I actually have some one who loves me, has never ever taken from me. He is the only one who has ever loved me. I am hurt, and broken, but he is the only one I have ever loved.

How To Fight

How do you fight depression? What is it that needs to be fought? Why do we fight it? Some days, some more then a few, some more then then all, it is so hard to not to just surrender, to stop fighting. I don't have the weapons, I don't have the gear, I don't have the power, I don't have an army or even a few good men, to aid me. Hm, how sad, hahahaha, oh the irony. sigh

My Smile, His

He made me smile today. After we spent that time crying. Holding each other. Bracing for the emotions.  After I told him he could never know what it felt like. How he had never been used so cruelly by some one you cared about, by family. But he works so hard to love me. Why me? Why does he love me? I may never know the answer. I do love how he makes me smile, like no one else ever had. I feel safe with him. He has never taken anything from me. I love him. Truly do. Always have. There has never been and will never be anyone else. He has my heart. He has my smile.

Please Rain Today

Another day waiting for the rain. I want to hear the sound. Feel it against my already cold skin. I hope it rains for days. Making it easy to hide away.

Just A Thought

....how long will you live to die today....

What I Want

I have such the urge to die right now, oooo, in horrible ways. I can see myself bleeding, lots of blood. Heavily intoxicated from alcohol and sweet  little pills, so many more than nay one should take. I see myself laughing as I watch my blood flow freely from its restraints. I laugh deeper, hysterically. Blood stained clothes, shredded, rip them away. Nothing left. MMmmm, such a hard urge to hold back, god, if I wasn't talking to him right, I just might, I have more than enough resources to accomplish this. Please, oh please let me succumb to these shattered desires, the desire to rid myself of a life in pain for several more seconds of pleasurable destruction. Watching myself sink into the depths of eternal darkness.....mmmm such a lovely image....

Sad Inside Me

Tears falling down my face, right now. Its sad how sad I can get, I am always sad it seems, even when I smile. I think I have always been sad inside. I tried to hide, well I did, no one ever knew how sad I was on the inside. I hid it so well. To protect others mostly. We who cares if I am happy? Its doesn't matter to anyone. This world is fine with just another sad face in hidden in the crowd. I never liked to stand out anyway. It freaked me out. I don't deal with crowds well. I suppose I cry from fear as well, now that I think about it. I can't really remember the last time I wasn't afraid....hm...how sad......haha, how ironic. I am a fearfully, sad irony filled soul, welcome, laugh at my misfortune as people are well known to do. I just sit in my favorite corner of this closet and cry, maybe bleed a little....just a little...

In My Thoughts

When you think to much, as I do, you realize things, stuff. Especially after the years of unforgiving experiences and sorrows, the rivers of information to explain why it all happened to the depth of each human psyche. It so strange. You feel as if you should have known those things you have learned, should have known from the beginning. Knowledge you wish you could of had. Mm, like that Katy Perry song that talks about wishing she would have known so she would have dived in, not given her all, because it wasn't going to work. You wonder what happens to the time and love you put in? Does it just disappear, as if it had never been? I guess so. I wish I had give so much away, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad right now. I wish I hadn't cared about anyone, than this would be so painful. Sad, its who I am, I can't help it, I even try to help it, to not be compassionate, sigh, I just can not be compassionate. I feel as if it is in my blood. It is everything I am. Because I hate the fact there are people who don't believe they are loved or will ever be so. I have felt that way most of my life, which is why I am so drained now. I was never given love to just be loved, no never. Until Sora, of course, well he even had to change and grow. But he was never like the rest. They "loved" me to get what ever it was they needed, ego bust, self-worth, pride, to victimize, such my life out to feed themselves...sigh, yea well, humans disappoint, are no loyal, safe, hopeful  Most of them anyway. I just wish I would have been more aware of the fact that I really was so weak, an easy prey. That I wasn't strong enough to fight. That I didn't know anyone strong enough to save me. Sigh. The things you have to learn after the fact, so sad. goddamn I hate life, or living I suppose would be a better reference. I'm to weak to be apart of this word. I have always been. Its seems funny to me now, to hear people proclaim I am strong, that I have strength. I wonder who they think I am? How could they think such a thing, I want to die, how is that strong  Oh well. People are silly. I can't be rageful very long, at all. It vanishes like smoke from an extinguished candle. Which I hope my life will reciprocate, soon.

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Why I Ramble

I can't stop hurting. I may never stop. I all I can ever see is the pain you caused me. I hope you're happy. Doing your gods work, beating down the broken.........when i die i will die well, with pain and agony, may my wish be reflected upon eyes of hate....
How do you convince some one to just let you go......damn

Life Not Lived

I never wanted to live this long. I believed when I was young, I truly believed, that I would be dead by thirty. I had thought there might have been people would care if I no longer existed. As I have grown that belief in people has just about vanished. We've all had it, that experience, some worse then others, the disappointment. Sometimes its is so god damned painful you can feel it in your heart, forever, for life. I believe you will even be cursed in the afterlife with the sorrow. So many times. So often the pain. I fight to die. What is there to live for?

Trapped Inside Myself

I feel as if i van never be cleansed enough from the grim that covers my soul, and seemingly, every iota of my being. I feel as if my skin is a cage, my mortal prison, to be incased in all my misery for as long as I shall exist in this place. Whoever my true pure self should be is hidden behind this cursed, bruised broken used doll. The innocence of everything I yearn for seems to be stripped from me by the pride of those lustful creatures who perverted my truth, my dream, they have locked it away. Stolen and encased in some filthy trunk to be exploited for their own enjoyment . How closed off i feel from reality. A shattered truth is all I have of this broken heart entrapped behind bars shadows and sadness, I will never be whole, shall I?
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Be As Death

I feel as if I would be counted as lucky to be dead. Killed in a horrible accident, twisted and shredded. Caught in the crossfires of so gangs drive by shooting. The victim of a crime by a mind that slays another human being brutal ways. To be kidnapped, tortured and death in the slowest and most painful ways possible. To this I would count myself lucky.
Die of an overdose...eat a poison...bitten by a deadly creature...if only...

Exposure To Trauma

Imagine have not one but numerable encounters with trauma. Surrounded by an atmosphere one should not be in as a new born/toddler; sex, drug ,rock and roll.1,2,3,4,5 car accidents, one almost fatal. Parents in separate almost fatal car accidents. a private school your family couldn't afford, and people knew it, that treated you as if you would never amount to anything. Verbal bullying from peers as a child. 15-20 funerals in my short lifetime. Uncle steals from you as a child, does drug in front of you. Molested by a cousin, who lived with us. He died.....And on and on...I could stop there, but There is so much more to my story, so much more horrible things.
I had an ideal growing up, of who I wanted to be, virtues I gleaned from the huge bundles of reading I did, after awhile reading became a survival tool. The people I would read about, my heroes  the people I wanted to be like, were real, they had issues, they pains, but they persevered through it all, be came stronger. Were amazing people that everyone loved, well except those who hated the fact that they were loved. But they were selfless, hard working, charming, mannered, sure, helpful, loving of all, kind of people. Yea they made mistakes, but they always cared. That is what I wanted to be. And that is what I have always striven for, until very recently  For with time and the multiple efforts of evil in the world, I slowly and painfully began loosing all of my self-worth, yet continued to give, to love, with that being my only desire, to love and hopefully be loved. Alas, I never felt what true love should have felt like. Abuse, abuse, abuse. So much trauma there are days, months, sometimes years I cannot remember because my being was so hurt it couldn't stand it. I began to be 'taught' that I was worthless, only to be used and abused, little less than garbage. Yet. still I stove to share love with the world. But all it did was take, my virtues, my essence, my life. I am an empty shell now that is suspended in this time to be tormented by my thoughts and memories. I have been so depressed most of my life my internal self began to self-destruct, not only by the people that surrounded me but by the pain I caused myself  I have been completely drained of a normal life by all the trauma I have been forced to experience. I've lost and organ, I can't eat, I can't sleep, my short term memory is completely impaired, my emotions are a storm, I have no control, I am loosing, I am lost. I am terrified of living, life and all the other things in it. I have had the ability to enjoy life taken from me. Ripped from me with brutal force. With no mercy. Trauma is not something to laugh at. It is not a joke. The pain you caused is permanent. I am forever marked by your evil.

Meaning Of Songs

Having everything ripped out, torn apart, I have found that I have been given the ability to be wide open, if I allow it. I have found that pain can be such a conduit, if people submit to such a thing, to being free of what hate and evil and deception and lies have done to a soul. With this openness I have come to experience a whole new side to my comfort music. Words that have bring tears to my eyes because that emotion swells within me. The words sound as if they are coming from inside me. I can understand them so much deeper. The pain has cut me all the way through and the knowledge and experience just pour in to the very depths of every fiber of my being. I understand whole, never completely, we cannot as incomplete, imperfect creatures. Yet, when we allow it, our depth of understanding can beyond something galactic  even dimensional I dare say. When we rise up through the ashes, knowing we are burnt, broken, and in ways un-reparable, but we learn an entirely new thing about ourselves, others, and of course life. I may be burning in the sorrows from the crushing blow of evils vice, but I am cleansed by the fire of truth and love. I have found how real, how true some people can actually be.

A True Smile

Smiling? I do. Sometimes. I guess. It's hard when all you feel is pain. When all you can see is terrible things. Sora, I suppose, is my smile. He is my everything. My greatest, happiest, fondest, memories are from my beloved. The only reason I am alive. haha, He has saved me so often. He tried so hard to save me from things he couldn't really see. I so wish he had. So often. All the time. It can be so hard to live when all you want is to die. Everything has been taken from me. Ripped away with no remorse what so ever. No, they enjoyed it. Taking anything and everything from me. No I sit here wishing I could just be put out of my misery. Living each day, seeing the sun, knowing, knowing that they are free and I, I am not. Trapped in my own skin. My mind consumed by the horrific images flashing on a continuous real through my head. I try so hard to scratch the filth from my skin, till I bleed. Will I ever not be a victim? Will I ever be safe? They say yes, but how can they really know. It has happened so many times. I feel so disgusting. So broken. Empty. Incomplete, forever. And there is no remorse for what was stolen from me at gun point. How can people be so cruel. I dream of days of beauty, with my beloved. Only he has every been in my dreams, my fantasies. They are so sweet, so melodic, comforting. That is they life I want. To be a painter. To live with my love  and travel the world and see it's wonders. To get lost in each other. When he is with me, there are moments I believe he could erase it all. Change to broken. Set me free. I know he wants to. I.....wish I could smile...i.....

No Happy End

At one point I believe I may have had pleasant dreams, but I can never be sure. My first memory of dreams are, well, nightmares or night terrors most of the time, to be more accurate. I can still see so many of those images plastered to the back of my eyelids, forever an imprint on my broken mind. Being tortured. Living in a cage. Naked and...an..d.....well, things children shouldn't know about......ever. My poor computer, I hope tears don't cause a short. ........................how am I ....normal......I feel like I should be how I feel on the inside. Broken. Scarred. Bruised. Shattered. Mangled. Burned. My soul looks nothing like what my physical being shows. Not pretty at all. Not a person. A being.
How sad is it to be a person who loved so many and is now so alone? Broken by the price payed to ones,who.....were so willing to take? Once so full of dreams now drowning in nightmares. Afraid of human contact, of the outside world. Wanting each day to be the last. What little girl dreams of being a victim.....all her life? How do you deal with that? Tell me, how do you fix it? How do you stop being so?? Is it every really safe. Sigh. I don't think I can last much longer in my own head. It's...becoming...so much harder....
I wish he would just let me fall of the edge. He won't have to see anything. I can make sure no one will ever find my bloody mess. He's the only one that cares. That stands in my way of the dark place. Sigh. I want him to be happy. I don't think I can do that. I am, so broken, I don't know how to be whole, happy. I look and realize I never really have been. Well deeply. For myself. I don't even know I am, and I am losing even that.
We are closer. I am freer. I am safer with him then I have ever been in my entire life. He makes smile. He keeps my cold frame so warm. He is so sweet. So gentle. His sent is so comforting. No one, ever, has loved me like he. My love, my beloved, My Sora. My forever and only. He is the only one who know me, all of me. Everything. Cut open before him like fresh prey before a predator. All the deepest darkest parts revealed. And yet he does not feast. He does not turn away. He wants to heal. To hold. To love. To save.
I just can't be a princess anymore.
They took it, they took it all.
So.

Why Stay Here

Sora got upset with me last night. He is moving up so well, even when so many would think in some ways it a failure or at least not some one with high ambition. That isn't true thought, he is amazing. I believe, well I use to believe, that everyone had potential for good and greatness. Hm, yea. Sora, however, is proof at least a few, or, ha, one person is. He struggles, he hurts, he is real. I know others can see his dependability. His amazingness. His pure love and willingness to do what needs to be done. He is all about chivalry and courtesy, especially with me. He truly loves me. Always has, from the beginning. Always will, forever will. I told him, I was an obstacle. In the way of his success. His life. I am such a downer. It's so unbearable to be with me. Sigh. I feel as if I am such a black blot on the world. I wish so much, well most of the time, tht he would just let me end my life...

Me In Black

I hate hope. It's like a poor, starving person walking down a street of  places that serve delectable meals, knowing they will never, ever get a taste, may never eat again for all they know....sigh, ah crap. Yea, ya, that's my interpretation, my experience. I do feel as if I am finally, for the first time in the entirety of my existence, I am free to be me, whatever or whoever that may be. Sigh. Not much I expect. I do have a desire. To love my Sora, my dear, sweet beloved. He brings out the best of me, whatever that may be. He experiences and says as much, hee. I should have just become a hermit like I had planned early on, before...before all...all was taken from......me. sigh. Haha, what a child dream huh? Safest I thought. He says I am creative. Pure. Loving. Hm. Funny, I don't feel that way at all. And I would call my recent piece, mmm, well creative. I suppose art in contextual purposing. I feel so free as I paint. But then I stop. Clean up. And I am afraid all over again. I stare at my brushes, afraid to touch them. I don't feel real any more. I am becoming numb to, connections. They all just fall away. Hm, ya, oh, well. wow, hm I am sadly drawn to so much ...dark stuff, my clothes, linens, towels, etc, etc...haha, even when I try color, they are darker shades. I can not bring myself to buy light colors, they're just, bleh, ick. I can't. Hm, I had some where I was going with this..............damn.......oh, well I can't remember. fuck stress.....

Just One Pill

taking pills to sleep. nothing i can eat. fading away from this existence. sugar rush, caffeine high. drink my sorrows giddy. self destruct. i'll waste away, a simple wretch of a life waisted. i feel is if every ounce of my flesh was only to be food for the ravenous beasts to feed off of. i was fuel to their fire. to confirm there wickedness on the world. i am the bane of humanity. death is my only ally. mmm. yes i am, weak. i am sad.

Hidden Away Forever

My sanctuary. Does it exist? Am I really here? Am I truly alive? I am so incredibly afraid I have lost feelings, emotions. I cannot trust. I can't go out. I can't be with people. So it doesn't hurt anymore. So I cant be hurt. I will curl up and remain here, hidden away from the world. I have nothing to offer. No purpose anyway. I am a phantom on this page you read. Not being at all. A ghost who slowly fades away with each second as it passes by. Be happy you are alive. Be happy the sun shines on you. Be happy you exist. You do have a purpose, even if I don't. You are loved, even though I am not. You have hope, where I have none. Be love, for I know where it is there is none. How can you dream with a mind full of nightmares? Keep going......even if I can't....I am so afraid right now. It will happen again, that's all I can see. I can't, not again, not ever, again...

Beware Your Heart

Beware what you set your heart upon for it shall surely be yours" -Ralph Waldo Emerson. Whether is a conscious or unconscious thought, desire. Even if it was something forced into our hearts, built there by others, we will inevitably fall to it. Whatever our heart have been set up upon. It is so sad. To be a product of such. What a horrible price one must pay for the burdens of others. Why is it the weak are blamed for the wicked ways of the broken, corrupted bitter souls of this world? I am so weak. So sad. So broken. I have no faith. In people. in anything. In myself. I never, ever have...

Prisoner Of Self

Here I sit, brooding. Bubbling like a coudlrun ready to boil over. My thoughts are over flowing. I feel captive by them. They hold me under siege in my own brain. Trapped my the this thought and that thought. Fear. I don't live like a human who should be a alive is, or, uh something like that, sigh. I hurt all over. Sora doesn't know I haven;t been keeping things down. I thought since he was around I would ok, alas, no. I want to be free. Will I ever be free. I want to talk. I want to get it all out. Every detail of every painful moment. Would you understand, or would you judge. I fear judgement, rejection even more then I have already experienced. I feel so wretched I have a .........to watch a horror flick. Ick. i hate those. They freak me out. And then I get the worst nightmares, ever. Sigh. I can't even watch animal shows that have operations, I get sick. I hate being scared. I feel as if it has been a constant fact of my life and only now I am aware of what this feeling, this emotion or whatever you call it is. I never really knew. I mean I felt like something was wrong,sure, I think. That this shouldn't be happening to me. I just want to cry every day all day till I dry up and remain no more. How sad? It hurt to try and be happy, positive even. Can you even understand what that's like? TO be in total darkness then brought into the like suddenly. You are blind. In denial. This isn't how it is suppose to be. This is a lie, this light. That is how if feels, for starters. I am afraid to get a job, to be close to other people. I am afraid to spend to much time, if any, in public. If was for the ingrained feeling of wanting to be clean, to wash myself of the...the...filth, I might not even shower, ugh, disgusting. To know this and still, I don't get it. To have been hurt so much at a young age, so much mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, that you get addicted to the pain. I just didn't get it, until I read it, several times. I feel so sick. Well, At least I get it. Addiction, ha. At what fucking cost. My life. I have none. Fuck, ah! I am so sick of living in this...pit. Normally my thoughts just do what I trained them to, or as I learned, lead to thoughts of self destruction. You become so depressed, so much pain, your mind and body and soul go into totally self destruct mode. Crazy. I learned this the other day, books and such, therapy. they've done studies. Research. Its sad that it happens so much they have researched it. You truly believe your are worthless and try to destroy yourself, self-mutilation, suicidal, eating disorders, etc. It goes on. I didn't understand it. I mean you can know something, I guess, but never understand until BANG, it hits you. Some how. Mostly painfully. Because it happened so often for so long and I believed is was my fault..., I was dirty, no one would believe me, you fear "those" people who generously used you, you care about them, you don't believe they meant to hurt you, no ... will ...ever... understand. I still fight these thoughts everyday. They plague me more as I realize it was true that know one would believe me.

Being To Numb

To know that being broken doesn't matter at all. That if I died today, took my life with my own hands, it would mean nothing. No one would try and stop me. It wouldn't matter if I was gone. My path has made do marking on all the hearts I've loved. Just an empty vessel sinking, deep into despair. I can't find the meaning or purpose of this heart. I suppose I agree with that song in the fact that it is only meant for breaking. To be in many pieces, soon taking this life apart. Why do I ever hope for a new beginning? Or a life that I may live? Or hope in any matter at all? Why dream of peace when death is so much sweeter? My life is but a speck, worth nothing at all. Sigh. If only my sweet, beloved Sora didn't care, or love me so much, It would end today. I would end today. Maybe tomorrow then. Maybe...

My Own Blood

I don't fear death. In fact I dream of it. Imagine. Always gruesome. I can just vision my blood pouring out of me. Its always only me. The sight of blood on others, movies, etc. makes me nauseous. But my own, inspires me. I can just see myself falling onto a katana, hitting my organs, and just letting the pain overcome me. Its so wonderful. The sweet, sweet pain. Something, the only thing I have ever been able to control. My blood flow. Well, for the most part. Even if it wasn't myself always giving the wounds. My blood, was still mine, no one has taken that yet. I try an keep it, or let it go, its my will, the only thing I can will. Or that is how I have lived my life. I still, have a hard time overcoming the want, the itch, the desire to see my blood. To feel the skin separate, peel away from the flesh, meat, underneath. The small veins, the larger ones, cut into them, see the blue turn a bright red as it makes contact with the air. Dripping downward, flowing, following the lines of my skin. The brightness fades as I let it dry were it has fallen. Feeling the tingle of my wounds trying to heal themselves. Traumatized. Fear. Wondering why this was caused, why my brain let it happen. Sigh. Will I ever be better? I don't believe it, I seem to fall and will crash into the arms of death with as brutal a death as I can manage. I was never meant to be apart of this world. Not a living breathing being. Just a mere object to be used. Played with. But it is still my blood.

What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

Afraid, The World

How pathetic you are, a grown woman, afraid of the world, I say to myself looking back in the mirror. How can you live like this? You can't. I'm not alive. I am the living dead. No hope for this hopeless creature. This is how I feel. I am being controlled by what is not my choice. Living each moment as if there is no other. So much sadness. It is strange. How corroded life, people can be. When I a person isn't happy, they curse others with their unhappiness. It's a sad life. Even sadder then mine. To not even be satisfied by a religion you cling to, like a leech sucking life out. To be everything you don't proclaim to be. I am glad I am not that. A fake, religious zealot. That is pathetic. Sigh. So now I will either sit, hidden from the world, never trusting a soul, again, ever, except Sora. Or do I die and wither away? I am forgot. I will be more so. Why not just die and me dragged to hell? To know the depths of fire that burns with no mercy, no light and wishing to be there instead of a heaven without pain or suffering, why? Because of them. I don't want to turn into them. If that is what it means to be apart of that faith, that religion, I won't ever be. They have shown me their god doesn't like a sad creature such as I. I am not made to be saved or loved. Their heaven has no room for me. A broken soul. Plus, I cannot forgive. I am done forgiving. Done letting people hurt me and saying you are forgiven. Beaten, its fine. Bruised, its ok. Slain, you are loved. Where was my love? Only Sora. Their has only been Sora. I so do wish, many times, he had been stronger sooner, to save me. Been in my life sooner, to hold me. Love me, like he does now. Even as I look down on myself because of what, what my past, my hurt, my pain, my burden from generations of my family, of weak, sorrowful beings, who welcome pain. To let the willing break our hearts and ruin whatever of us they can so they could be happy, only to leave my family members dying of bitterness and shame, alone, with nothing. Only the greedy, prideful bigots die with much, but still alone. The wise, the truly wise die with many hearts around them. My wisdom may have come to late. Ha, well, I believe this to be true, my dear, sweet husbands believes otherwise. He believes there is life behind my eyes. If life is my love for him, well, then just perhaps. For I love him with ever ounce of everything and anything that is me. Most days I fight that notion. I, I am just so afraid of other humans. I have read book after book, and I still am having trouble being convinced there are safe people out there. They all just want to cause pain. To leave. To abounded when you are weak. To shame you. TO take from you. To hurt you in any way they can to make themselves feel better. What a wretched creature, humans. Love seems impossible. I would have bet my life on it. Those words. I was so close in taking it. Till he came, till he saved me. He didn't have to. I could have left and no longer be this emotional burden, but yet he loves me enough to be there, in every single humanly possible way, and then some. I ramble, rumble, like thunder in the distance that is barely noticed, like a desert storm that never comes. How sad a creature am I? My opinion, very. Sigh. Well tonight I hope the nightmares let me sleep a few, so I can see his face tomorrow.

Who You Are

"Tell me who loves thee, and I shall tell you who you are", Or something like that. A quote. By a Aristotle I believe  not sure though. For most of my life that has been abusers. So what did that make me? I am not entirely sure. I feel myself waning. So many times, wanting to not exist. But then I see his eyes or read the words of my favorite philosophers and poets, and I feel alive. I want to be known by the love my Sora gives. Even if it is only one person who loves me. I think I could live. His love his so amazing, so deep, so strong. Not demanding, no fear, no shame or guilt. Nothing to tell me I'm worthless. I am so mystified by his love for me. I, at the small moments of time, dream to show the world what love really is, by reflecting what he gives. The only one to sacrifice. To fight. to save. To never, ever give up. To look past the pain. To discover my weakness, my burden, my shame of wanting pain. And he just simply but complicatedly just loves me, forever.

Is This Life

I hate being afraid. Being scared. Being frightened. I thought that I wanted to live. Now I am not so sure. I mean, what it there to look forward to...people who get a thrill out of hurting you. Never feeling safe. Will I ever feel safe? Sigh. There is no guarantee. Can't trust anyone. I watch these shows about people dying, slowly, painfully, wishing it were me. My mind just wonders there. It always has. Expect when Sora is around, he makes me feel alive. As if I really want to live. Sigh. But each time he brings me back to life, I feel like dying again from the contact I make with others. People who say things like "friends", "family", "love", caring", blah, blah, blah...lie after lie. Sigh. I fell for each one, out of fear. Fear that it will won't really be there. Fear of...well. I suppose I can't really describe to the fear of people you love or care about, unless of course it has happened to you. To think to that to be loved was to have bruises, blood, nightmares, fear of never actually waking. To think, just imagine, that was a way of life. To live in constant fear. Terror. But never with Sora. I wish We could just live. I wish. I wish I didn't have so much fear that I can feel it. In every part of my body, the pain. Headaches come and go. My digestive system can't seem to handle the sorrow, the fear, the hurt. My back goes out. My teeth. My heart. So will I die or will I live? All I have is Sora, I think some days I feel so broken that I am not worth fixing...

Without A Support

I have been reading some of my books again. One in particular called unsafe people. Again, I have discovered my weaknesses and wrongs. But also truths that I had begun to doubt. One being support. After so much turmoil from any "christian" community I became a firm believer that the bible was a lie in that we are to have support amongst friends. That the "church" should be a place of healing, grace, truth and acceptance, was all a huge, ugly lie. I kept hearing, only god. don't trust people. The biggest reason I struggled with being set free from my weakness', the blemish of falling for unsafe people, a big part [if not thee biggest part] of that was I never, ever had that support. Ever. I was condemned and hurt and disgraced. How could I love my self if the people god had left to love the world hated me? Sora has been my only support, and even he hadn't been there all the time until he had to see what he needed to be, what I needed to be safe, to be free. I never had a group of people to support me. To help me. I was working for people who didn't care about me. If I didn't do what they wanted, how they wanted I was, wrong. I was never built up, ever at that place. By some individuals who have chosen to not be apart of it, I had. The rest brought me down. Against the scripture they clung to. I found how hard you can fall when the people you expect to lift you up, hold you up, help you up push down. I am still having trouble believing it is worth it to be around people. I can't even get myself to, well to be anything for the time. People frighten me. They hurt. They can't be trusted. Except Sora, My beloved Sora, he is my everything.

Abuse In Solitude

These past months of solitude have shown me much about myself. For the first time in my life, since before I could remember, I have been completely removed from every and any kind of abuse. Never ever feeling safe. Not knowing what real love was. I have what been able to see what my heart and soul had been twistedly molded into. This deformed, rejected creature who was more then willing to let the monsters steal whatever they wanted from me. My flesh. My virtues. My emotions. My feelings. My heart. My dreams. My hopes. Anything that would make me, well alive, living, breathing, independent. A person of free will. Capable of caring for myself. I was a robot controlled by the first beast to take the controls. No self-esteem, no self-worth. I was a weakling trying to play strong. A part I failed at. All those I looked up to. Hoping to help me. Took more. I never got help. Just more a abuse. I trusted them. They never saw how hurt I was. They kept blaming me. I was wrong. I was hurt, broken. That was wrong? Why? Why did you let it happen?  Why didn't you save me from the pain like you said you would? Why didn't you protect me like you promised? I was alone. You blamed me for being a victim? I had no security. I wasn't safe. I thought the only way out was death. You made me believe I wasn't loved, I couldn't be. I was no good. All I was worth was less then your garbage. Is it my fault for not knowing I wasn't ever really loved? Was it my fault for thinking it was ok to be beaten, taken advantage of, with no words to speak? Was it my fault for being afraid of brutal monsters eating flesh, my soul? Am I not human, simply because each person I opened my heart to, willingly molested, beat, shredded and left my heart to die in filthy pits, because I didn't know how to stop it? Because I believed that was love?

What You Taught

My experience in working as a church leader, in wanting to help people, to love them, has made me sorry for doing so, or ever even thinking about it. Such a wretched places, churches have become. Nothing are they like the holy book they follow. No mercy. No grace. They let the brutes, bitter weeds, and hypocritical world-pleasing-whores feed off those who come to the house of god to heal. Forbidden to be wounded and no place to be loved. God's house is no longer his home. Only a place for greed and pride to reside. For the rich of the world to rule, making their pathetic little lives seem of some circumstantial blot on the world. How shameful. How disgusting. These followers of their christ role in the wealth of this world while blaming the broken for their problems and making excuses as for why they follow not the words of their beloved lord. What a disgrace. Sadly I was fooled by that hope, the healing, the love...but when my weakness of being weak, knowing no better that being abused was wrong. That I may have been worth something. No, I was not loved but punished in my weakness. Spate upon. And as the beasts ran rampid upon my broken spirit, I was shamed and blamed for not being well enough to be in the church, let alone a leader. Well my sad little puppets of you own wills and ways, I believe you should dust of the covers of those bibles, and your shallow hearts, and try read what your god had done for you, you disgusting prostitutes, whores to the world. Actually listen and not manipulate. To prideful to follow the love that is your lord. I hope you know your crimes, know what belief truly means. What love really is.

Bad Day Dreams

I can't get it out of my head. The nightmares. Vulnerability. Horrible images. Doubt. Broken heart. Fear. Neglect. Loneliness, like a cold winter chill. I can't shake the crimes befallen me. I just was bleed enough to let it all run out. Life is a cruel place to be, with cruel people having fun off your hardships. Hm, wish it were a paying job. I am to over qualified for anything else. I suppose it's nightmares for eternity.

Hating That Love

Tonight I wait, tonight I sit pondering writing of love, well on what love has done to one in the worst of ways. It is not for the one I cherish most that I read these bitter, hateful, sorrowful words, no I read them for the ways I have been treated by "those" other people in my life. Well my past. Who had sworn the truth that they loved me. What sweet little lies they started as. So tasty for me to swallow, so much easier to digest their poison. Ah, what can I do. At some points I feel it was my fault for trusting. For me so broken. For liking to be broken. Years of therapy and books, so many books, to help me overcome. But I like books. They have always been truth worthy friends. And I have gleaned so much from theses books. Words and ways that I have never had the fortune of experiencing or learning. Which I could blame, maybe should blame, on my up bringing, parents, adults, surroundings, blah blah and whatever else. But truly what is the use. So is the biggest part, the truest reason for what I was, however, now I have a choice. To be whatever they had molded me to be. Or fucking step up and shove all their hypocrisy down their sore throats and watch them squirm. Hm. Na, to much work I'll just plan on living a happy life for now and see ho it goes, who knows I might actually like this.

Being Past Times

Past time. Past times. Adding one, little letter can sure change a phrases mean so very much. Both things however, are things that trouble me. The time that has past, well, has been rough. It's so hard to read this help and survivor books, cause for the most part it's one or maybe several events. Not a lifetime. From the beginning. I feel like I should read books on survivors from war torn countries or something. I feel like I could relate better. Most of these help book talk about get over "experiences", not a "life" you had. Hm, I think I will. I'll have to do some research and see if I can find some strong biographies. As for my past times, they have come undone and I am in a renewal of myself. I don't really know who I am or what it even means to be me. Things I once loved so deeply now bring pain. Heartache. I'll just march on. I do feel better today, by the way. I woke up smiling. And hoping and all that other weird stuff. Not bad after yesterday. And that scary dream I had about blood and chasing and zombies and death and taaallll buildings. Yea, I think I'm a little better. I suppose a little is better then nothing.

My Nights Alone

It's that time of the week. Where I become the lonely, heart broken blogger sifting through the memories that refuse to stop haunting me. And when Sora is off making bare-bones living for us, that amazing man, I get so sad. I still am in no state to fight for the relationships that I once thought were so important. As I fell down they all sorta trickled of the side and far out of sight. When I am broken, why is there no one there for me? I really should be content. I have a man that loves me more then anything that this world could ever give and beyond. I am just struggling I suppose. It's not very easy to calm a raging see of lost emotions, broken feeling and dark memories. I feel so alone when he is at work and I sit in my bed, thinking. In reality, life is amazing right now. It's beautiful. We are on our way up and out. With a few more small bumps to over come. But the heart ache of a lifetime is so hard to get over, to forget, to move. So much of it seems so fresh. Its incredibly hard not to feel it. But feel so much its as if you are numb. Like you can't really be alive right now. You aren't really feeling anything. Nothing truly happened. Did it? I think sometimes I try to hard to convince myself it was all a bad dream. Twenty-six years, if only. I blog. I write. I draw. Mess with my photos. And yet I just cannot shake this loneliness. The sadness of not being the friend I thought I was. I guess I just was that good of one, to be fought for as I fade away into blackness. Slowly letting my sadness eat away at me. Soul and heart and flesh. I am just so tire of being depressed. And I wish that it could be so as easy as just a choice. I mean come on. I eat as healthy as I am able. I exercise. I'm not to fat. I get sun. I walk my puppy. I hug and cuddle. I take pill upon pill upon pill upon pill to stabilize my mind and hormones so I don't jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I were insane. The funny kind. The really smart kind. So I could make friends in my head. I'm just tired of the one always trying to hold on. Fighting for love. I just want to be loved. To be told that I am worth being on this earth. That everything I experienced doesn't define me. To be needed. Over and over again until my life ends. So this is mostly why I blog. To get it out. To set the words free, or they will kill me. Even if I don't matter to anyone at least my blog is here. I do have Sora. I hope doesn't leave me. He says I'm not clingy, or to needy. It's so hard to believe that he loves me, that he is in love with me. Yea, I think to much.

My Life's Definitions

Family, means a group of people to whom you share blood and/or maybe a name with whom connects you to there blood.

Friends, are people that you have meet throughout your life, who may be on your Facebook page [that may Facebook stalk you or vice versa to see how they are doing because its easier then calling or texting] or Twitter or Tumblr, send you mass holiday texts [if they don't loose your number, because it really isn't important if they keep yours anyways] and/or emails or forwards, and call you when they need something or have something they want to say.

Acquaintances, are people you may have met once, been in a class with, friend of a friend, family friend or some one you have never met in person but follow and/or may be followed back by on a social internet network.


Associate, person or people who share work experience with who could or may also fall into Friends/Acquaintances definitions. Hold no respect for you or what you do, don't care for you well being in the least.

Higher Education/school, loved learning but was better for making a large sum debt then gaining a gratifying career and/or lifestyle.

Religion, and excuses for people to hang out socially, eat, and take money to build big buildings that will one day be empty. Basic form of a club.

Love, a painful experience where I give everything, everything is taken. It doesn't matter what I think, feel, understand, desire, want, or need. Brutalized, abused, used, beaten in every way shape and form.  Note. definition is changing because of following definition.

Husband, greatest thing/person/experience that has every happened to me. Greatest man in my life, in existence. My reason for hope, life, real love, and just about everything else. Does not have any association with any of the other definitions in any way ever. Period.

Things I Do

I love walking. Just about everywhere. On the beach. In the woods. Through the streets of the town. Sitting in parks. Having picnics. Taking pictures. Of people. Of nature. Of color. Painting images that form in my head. Drawing the beautiful figures of woman. The intricate curves. The delicate frames. Cuddling with my puppy. Cuddling with my lover, with just our skin touching. Hold hands. Kissing. Dancing like no one is watching. Listening to Debussy. Drinking the crisp Jasmine tea. Sleeping in my birthday suite for hours, I could go for like ten. Minimal. Maximum. Haha, I love sleep, it loves me, as well as do all the bed's that like sleeping with me. Creating delectable dishes from veggies. Chocolate, eating dark chocolate. Anytime. Anywhere. Taking bubbles baths. Alone. With Sora. Brushing my bunny. Dressing in pink. Wearing high heels. Going barefoot. Swimming. In the sea. In the rivers. Sitting in trees. Taking to time to understand who I am and what it means to be me.

In The Sky

I love fireworks. I haven't seen them of July the fourth for about four years. Lived in a place in was against the law. Memories. My best firework experiences have all been within the last seven years, so the three years prior to the last four, haha, wow. And they have all been with Sora. Hee, he has always made my memories a better a place. No matter how broken and lost I seem to get. How far I fall, he's there. I wish he could have been there tonight. As they lit up the sky. We sat in the harbor. It was spectacular. The show started even before the show started, haha. Everywhere around us fireworks of all kinds were being set off. High in the sky to squealing on the ground. I was so giddy. It was nice to be in a happy moment since...since those times. I can still here people setting the sky on fire as I type. Two hours later, into the night. Silly people, I'm glad their having fun. I hope they are all being safe. Probably not, but hey, one can hope. Now that I have started to get a spark of it, hope, it sometimes feels contagious. Sometimes it flows into parts of my mind I don't need hope. Well, I shouldn't want it there. The heart can be an evil thing. I wish I could watch fireworks all night long. I wish That's all I could think about. I wish...

Fight For Myself

I have a hard time learning the difference in that of fighting for being myself and being selfish. Being a person of simple nature, mmm, mostly. There thing of material value that catch my eye. I love fashion, close, shoes, yes. And being a creative person, which takes money to be, so sadly. I don't want to seem selfish, which I probably am. I've just had a hell of a life for only 28 and I would just like to live a little. I never really had my "child", or even really my "youth" years. As far back I can remember I had major responsibility. And I have always cared for others. Given them everything I could for their benefit. And now I have nothing. Not even those I loved so much. When times got tough, when they thought the worst, they left. Just like that. So I sit day after, mostly alone. I mean my amazing Sora would be here with me, but he is being amazing and working so hard to make a living for us. I have just been so use to, well people. Being active in activities, especially this time of year, summer. I was always so, busy. And now, nothing. At all. I walk. A lot. I like it. Even when it rains, which is like every other day. Not to bad. The wind is what gets me, if its over 20mph, no thanks. Sigh, yea. Well I just don't know how I just express myself. I mean I feel like I know what I want, but is it what I need? I mean we do need human contact? Right? Am I just cursed? OR something. I feel like a plague. I try to be positive, I really do. I may not seem like it. I try and then that happens. Starts small, I can handle this and then SLAM, fucking hell. Sigh. I wish I was over exaggerating, that would make for a good story. I would laugh and be happy it wasn't my life. I have good things sure, yea. Food, most of the time, when I can eat it. A roof over my head, even if it's not mine and the certainty of having one consecutively is slim. Sigh. I have limbs. That for some reason I can't keep from being bruise, bitten, cut or an acquired abrasion in some way. Life time a of multiple abusive, sometime all at the same time. It's hard to stay positive. I do have one person. Who loves me unconditionally. He'll do just about anything for me. He is amazing. I am a pretty messed up person, so The fact the he does so much is pretty awesome. Like immaculate awesome. So I think I'll just go shed some drops from windows. Have a great week.

Missing You, NO

Have you ever had that experience, where you miss something but you don't want to be missing it? Something that hurt you, but that something use to be that something that was worth having around. That something that made you smile. You wanted it there. To be around. It made you smile. Then, there was the pain. You couldn't understand why. Why did it have to hurt so much? Then it became all the time. But I loved. Loved a lot. So much. To much. Still do. Always will. But it doesn't matter. Lies turned to truth it is was no more, and all I am left with is the memory, the pain, the sorrow, the missing. Its not anyone cares. Which will be OK. I guess. Right now it defiantly does not feel that way. No, it hurts. A Lot. More than I like. Sigh. Why? why? I'm tired of this sadness that follows me. Just when I was starting to feel so bright. I love this time of year. I hate it now even more. Summer. Had always been my favorite. That's when the memories began. That's when it was over. So now I'm stuck missing things I don't want to, its not east to let go, I'm not even sure I know how...at all......part of me doesn't want to....I need to.........Someday, I will forget, but I guess you already did....

I Love Food

I truly do. More then most things, not all, but most. Sadly, however, it has no love for me. Sigh. My favorites are repulsed by me. Pizza. Steak. Hamburgers. Hot dogs. Lasagna. Ahhh god, I love cheese, and milk, and meat, specifically cow. Sigh. Nope. They hate me. So now I have to be a vegan/vegetarian. It really isn't that bad. Actually some of the best things I have ever eaten. Except that steak I had in New Zealand, that was immaculate. De-lish. Sometimes the oily stuff is nice. Like, um, ooo funnel cake. I am soooooo in love with that yummy stuff. Oh, well maybe someday if a grow another gullbladder. And they say you don't need the damn thing, yeah right, try telling my body that. It's ok, I will divulge in the delicacy of the vegan world.

Nice Hot Showers

I like them very much thank you. I like the feeling of the warm water splashing my back, running down my skin. Feeling it all around me. It's simply comforting, and quite relaxing. I feel as if all the days troubles, problems, worries, just rinse away, right down the drain. I like the smells of my soup as it mixes with my skin and the running water. Sometimes I just sit in the tub and let the water run over me like a waterfall. I just love the feeling of running water on my skin.Sorta like rain, in a way. The coolness in the summertime to tame the tempest heat. The winter showers were you have to force yourself not to turn it up so hot it pulls all the moisture out of your skin, but just warm enough to erase the seasonal chill. I think one of my favorites is after a good workout. When you can still feel the burn in your muscles, the sweat is in gentle trill down your curves. The water hits your sore muscles, soothing them with the heat, the dampness. Feels a-maz-ing. I could take "forever" showers if I were able, alas it will not be. MMmmmm, and don't even get me started on baths. Bubbles, lots and lots of bubbles.

The Natural Disaster

Yes that's me. Not Beautiful disaster. No I meant what I said. And why you may ask? Well cause I'm beginning to find all the major to minor scrapes, mishaps, and whatever the eff else as, well, quite fricken amusing. Hahahahah. I believe I have lost my sanity. Hee. Not really. Well, maybe. But its ok, the people are nice here. Soooooo, what brought this on was as I was showering I felt to soap dripping down my leg, theeeeen I felt this sting. I was remind of the small, yet painful, scrape I had acquired cleaning the closet. And the thought that hit my mind first was, 'wow,I am so lame.' Then I literally lol'd. Again, lame. But I love it. I have scars, and scratches, and bruises, that I have noooooo idea were I came to receive these little treasures. Treasure? No, not really. My thoughts were, I am such a clutz. Hahahahahhahahahahahah. Yep. I fall up. The floor hates me. Random things take swipes at me. And so on and so on. But I have come to accept this fate which has befallen me. Heck I might just start documenting them. Hmmmhm, nothing blog idea  perhaps? Sadly there are that many. Beware, here come the Storm Sakura....tehee

Hate The Bate

God, why? Why do I do this to myself? It's all just so fucking disappointing. I just need to get it all waaaaay out of my head. I will tonight, tomorrow, up to the end of this week. I will erase any factor that remained of my life that once was. What is in it to bring joy or memories worth keeping? There were once so many things that had brought me such great joy, such happiness. Now, now it is nothing. I am no longer apart of it. An I never will be again. I have become what I wanted, ha, for once in my life, I got what I wanted. To be forgot. Sigh. In way I am relieved. Sadly so. Why? Well, because of all that I gave, of the love that was shared by so many precious treasures, gone. With the snap of a finger. Not even a rumor to remain. Sigh. That is fine. All that will remain of them with be letters in the space of time. I won't even remember for why. I will erase it, all of it. From the beginning to now. As I write my story on the cover of pages to be read for future lives, I will forget. I will no longer fall foolishly before a broken spirit to their aid. No. Damn them all. ha. I guess I can never be an actual Buddhist. Or anything one with nature for that point. You can't hate life. Some say you cannot hate and love. But I do. I love this man that gives me everything. With nothing but my love in return to guide him. Now that, that is the life. I think I'll go to the river tomorrow and get my feet wet. Hm, yea, sounds like fun. After lunch with my beloved of course.

Twisted Times Again

I sit before you again, well my dear comp in your stead, in the turns of change. The most constant thing in my life is god-awful change. Its not that I don't like, by all means great things can come from it. I welcome it on happy and great occasions. When something glorious can be celebrated from the chains of change, it is a most welcoming friend. But alas it brings with a great heartache at times. For most or maybe for some changing locations can be a great adventure. For me, it is variably associated with the most negative of experiences. Hasn't ever really been something to enjoy, at all. It meant that something horrible was about to happen, or that most inevitably would come to fruition. I'm really just a broken being trying to deal with the hell I was brought up in to the world that I have found myself in today. Honestly, I am not truly sure how to cope with life situations normally. I'm still learning. The only this is if I'll make it through it.

Time To Ponder

Way to often do I spend my time wondering into the life of my past. A place that is a dangerous venture to take, no matter what time of day. My heart screams in the memory of the wounds carved upon it. Some of those wicked marks still ooze with fresh blood, trickling away the life within bit by bit. The tremor in my heart tells me to stop thinking, but my mind, well my mind can't help but float to those awful places. It seems so much harder to avoid those memories when the seems so incredibly many of them crowding my head. Sigh. It seems how each move I make seems to solidify the truth that me, my life is a failure. It is so incredibly hard to move past it. I wish I could spend so much more time with my beloved Sora, his time is more precious then thousands of pounds worth of gold. HE is the one and only thing that keeps me moving, if at all, in any direction. Forward. I do believe I want to move that way. I mean I truly cannot move backwards. I can most definitely not, fall any farther down the bitter hole. I have sank, be thrown, tripped, been buried, shattered to the extreme lengths. There is only one thing that would spiral to that darkest pit to be unable to rise. If my sweetest treasure were to disappear from my life, if we were to be no more, then I would be no more. Again I sigh. Well, to you all till I drearily ponder next time, haha, such there per-chance it may be some writings of joy. Have a lovely weekend. Make good choices.

Sigh, What Now

I sit here, a mess. Sigh. I had a horrible nightmare last night. It contained enough gore to make Saw viewers vomit. I woke, alone, feeling quiet disturbed. I was considerably claustrophobic in my room, in my house. But for some strange reason I dared no venture outside. I felt off all day. Couldn't eat much. Became a TV zombie. Totally didn't take my emotional control substances, sigh. Got sick through up dinner, sadness. What a waste of a good meal, meh. My endorphin were mildly stimulated. Oh how I love my Sora, he makes any rainy day worth dancing in. Of course my time with him is so short. And I was insufficient on my exercise scale today. Then as I showered a terrible storm of thoughts and emotions flood my poor heart, mind and soul...and...I totally crumbled. I cried, and cried and I felt as if I would never stop. So much emotion so much pain. I sat there wanting to rip my skin off. I desperately grabbed at my phone...I stopped...I realized I had no one to trust. My dear Sora was of making a living for us and here I sat lame and alone...sigh. God I am pathetic at times. I want to be stronger. More confident. I don't want all those bastards to win. I WILL MOVE ON. AHHHAHHHHHHHhhhhhh......sigh. I dial my bros number...hope I could here a voice I wasn't found so much comfort in....distance...time....circumstance....such cruel, cruel beings. He answered, thankfully. That simple sound of another human voice does so much for a broken lonely soul on the brink of self-destruction. Maybe someday...I will have more then one person I can rely on, who'll love me....maybe someday I won't be so broken....maybe someday Sora and I can just run away...

A Broken Blogger

I have come to find that blogging, like writing in a journal, has become just a tedious task, however its at this point so because of the fulfillment in my life. Well I suppose that is the best way to put it. I am still very much recovering from all the lies that filled the fountain of my life. It feels quite strange to be so free. To explore things, places, music, simply based on what I am now discovering about myself. To believe I was so disheartened that I was completely willing to surrender my life to death literally astonishes me. I do miss the fact that I feel like my youth has been wasted on the trials of corroded human beings. Oh well, I'm sorry if I have let any of you down who have been reading my blog by not being consistent. I suppose I actually don't believe anyone who reads these words of mine actually care, but that's ok. I have this form of out letting a bitt more to my liking. For some reason it just flows so much easier.
Love have a great soon-to-be weekend.

Me, The Story

Your first thoughts, your very first memories, what are they? Usually an image we can't make out or flashes of color we can't quite piece together. My first, it is the image of a mirror. A mirrored wall to be more accurate. It was the image of the living room of the house I spent my first couple of years on this planet. A place that would become the petri-dish for the disease that would, for a lifetime, fester inside of me. And that mirror will forever be a reminder, of what, well, what does my reflection show?
I haven't always known, to this day I can't even visually remember what happened in that house, my home. Home, an idea that would be shattered and twisted for so long to me, and I never even knew it. Anyways, that first house was where it all started, for the shell that is me anyway. My body can remember much better then my mind can, ever will perhaps. My tiny body was violated. For the longest time what I felt, what I experienced, I thought it was normal. However, I couldn't help but feel dirty. Wrong. Very wrong. Shortly there after we gave up that house for shack in the middle god-forsaken land. Burned and brittle, with very little to offer. The memories come in flashes. I remember school. Being sick, so sick, so often. I remember, the, the bullies. The names I was called. I remember Relatives. Their violent actions. I remember when I first fell like I could never trust anyone. I was in kindergarten. I remember always being left out. Not being good enough. I remember the first time some one told me I was worthless. That was my cousin. My brothers hadn't even been born yet. My mother gave birth to four of us wretched creatures. Raised us she did, with my father. My poor sister. Her teacher didn't like her. She had a hard time, fitting in, being focused. I tried to be strong for her, for us both. I remember that car we almost died in. My mother, my new born brother, my sister...someone...else. I remember pain. And blood. I remember being hated and not knowing why. I remember taunting back, so I didn't feel, so weak. That day when our mother hid us away from the world. No more school. Our parents would be our teacher. I became the teacher, for myself. For my sister and my two brothers. My mother became, angry. Hateful. Hurtful. My father, he stopped being at home. I remember screaming, fighting, things being thrown. Protecting my siblings, playing with them, trying to keep them safe. I remember the heat, sometimes unbearable. Over 120* at times. I remember the cold. Freezing winters. No electricity. No running water. Most of my life, that is the way it had been. It was so hard to keep cool or keep from freezing. I remember those days when we weren't sure if we would eat. Only bread. I remember making it a game with the little ones. I know how much they struggled, my parents. The couldn't hide, most of the time they didn't from me. I'm not sure why. Then mom got a job. I became the parents. I was just becoming a teen. Then other people came into our lives. Before it had only been us, all the time, every time. We became apart of our "community", as some might call it. Enmeshed even more others would say. I didn't know. I never understood. How can you when all you know is all you have been taught? This "community" was very good at "using" their "resources". I remember being used often. Most of my girl friends, well let's just say I know what a verbal punching bag is. I was an ego buster for them. And for the guys, well, I was there toy. And there was nothing I could do, why, because I was worthless. I had been told that since I was five, since I five. It had been well ingrained into me. What I felt didn't matter. Especially if my mother was "helping" someone. They needed her and she could help them. She thought we were safe. You should be safe, in your own home, in your own bed. I began to feel a if that was all I was good for, that was the only kind of love for me. That was real love, being used. I am worthless after all. I remember when my Grandmother died. She went for a visit with our Uncle and never came back. It was the first time I saw my tough father cry. It was out fault, Uncle said. And we didn't see him again. I remember loosing our home. I remember friends dying. Those first bruises my the "boys" who "loved" me, sometimes I swear I can still feel them. It was just a game. If I didn't please. I remember being touched. Hating it. Liking it. Hating myself for liking it. I remember the first time a that thin blade pierced my skin. The first time I felt in-control. I felt real. I felt at all. I remember reading others words to hide in a dream. I remember drawing life to forget the night-terrors, unable to wake myself. Dancing and poetry to express things I felt I could never say. With each passing day of this life I sank farther and farther into despair. I remember so hard trying to not exist. Trying to die. I wanted that. So much. That little putrid glass dish had become an uncontrollable illness of mass proportions. I was no longer a human. I so I feel as I look back. Just an empty shell, a fragile doll about to break.
Then the worst year of my life happened. Someone I hated worked their way into my already shattered life and obliterated it. I despised this person when first meeting. After my mother decided to help someone there was nothing anyone could say. And like all atrocious circumstances, he gravitated towards me. He lived with us, he did everything with us. It was easy for him to sink his fangs into me. His poison slowly yet surely took me over and I had lost what little I had had. I took everything from me. My heart, My soul, My virtue. I had never felt more disgusting. I felt like it was all I had to look forward to. He was everywhere. Then it happened. I had missed a month. Then another. But then I didn't. I was regular. Or so I thought. No I had a life growing inside of me. Then there was the fire, making us flee. Then the pain that sent me to the hospital. The life had come out and almost took me with it. Then deaths. Homeless. Many deaths.
For the first ever, I was to leave my family. I was going off to school. Alone. So many emotions. I never could fit well with others. I hate money. A few months went by and my father had a stroke. He was so helpless. It was horrible. That was thanksgiving. That christmas, however, would prove to be the worst day of that year. Or just a reminder of how crap, is my life. My father, still half crippled from the stroke that almost took him away, was accused of attempted murder...with a shot gun. He was swept away to prison. Unknown to us. That was a very long holiday. He was sick, invalid. We had no idea were he was. And then a week later there he was. Broken. What hell was, he knew.
That spring something amazing came into my life. My beloved Sora. The first person to make me feel like a person. I wish we had been a little bit stronger. He was the first person I told my life to. That following christmas, after he had ask my father, he asked me to marry him. I became a bit closer to reality, a little farther away from the family and all I knew. Or for awhile.
We married, what a day I couldn't wait to be over. My family almost made it unbearable. They, still to this day, believed I was being stolen. Didn't help much that they didn't prize my college graduation a few weeks earlier either. Things I had worked so hard for. All on my own. A broken doll trying to dance. In the following years I found out it wouldn't happen for long. That it should never of have. But I couldn't be who I am with out it. For the next several years would drain me down to the very last drop of life. Any passion I ever had for life, for faith, for love, siphoned away by greed leeches. I trusted people. I gave all I had and they took. I worked for this place for five years. I couldn't never please them. The path that they claimed to follow was not what it ever was really about. There were souls whom I came to love dearly. So many of them I fought for. Trying to show them love I had never experienced. They eagerly took but gave not much if anything back. A family That I took on as my own. As I should had been aware, it was a bad idea. Why? because the worst of the broken are drawn to me, and I cannot but help to let them feed off of me. I am worthless. Do what ye will. I didn't even know what was happening to me. How much more could someone be made to feel worthless? What was I? I had no faith? I wasn't strong enough. I would never be good enough. Then it all fell apart like the lie I didn't see it as. Those who I believed cared where only in it for their own agendas. No one believed in me. Was I really that awful of  person? I had done wrong. My worst mistakes were weakness. Wanting abuse and not knowing. being drawn to it. I trust snakes paints as flowers. They laid their trap, neatly bonded by what they were. The mistake of not being able to see what it was I needed. Of what they were. Abuse, any kind. It's want I needed to feel real. I didn't. Huh, now I do. How sad is the heart that helps with desires of its own, only to. I was , am so incredibly broken. I never believed I was perfect. Above anyone. In fact I believed I was lower. I always said that. Yet no one would lift me up. Not even half efforts at best. Just so they could keep me around a little longer to take what they needed from me. Now I tried harder then ever to take my life. I was so close. I was almost gone. Just a few more pills. A little more blood.
But no my beloved Sora had found his strength, and he fought for me. For months I lay here in recovery and he still fights. I look back at my life and finally feel as if I am alive. Because he loves me. His love is amazing. He fights so hard. We have been through so much. I have known a struggle or two. But I finally believe that love is more than a fairytale. That life can be real, and happy. That Bad things may happen but our choices are what can make ore break us in the end. What path we take is our choice. I could have had a much harder life. I could have made worse choices. I have love now and I will fight to keep it. This is no flight of fancy. I know it is more then a feeling. This will never disappear because we won't let it. It will change. It will grow. But it will forever be ours.
Now, now I will live in the future.
And just maybe, I am worth something...

In Hong Kong

Hong Kong is a place I have already had the pleasure of visiting, however I would Looooovve yo visit this wonderful, amazing city again [live there, yes!]. It is such a beautiful pace, especially for a city. It is the first city I have walked in day and night in which I felt safe, comfortable and welcome. Even compared to my native land metropolis'. I had the privilege of dining local cuisine at the small town to large restaurants, and also with some amazing locals and their favorites. I also had the pleasure to stroll through several amazing cultural points of interest. One of my favorites was a Kowloon Market, talk about fun. And the items for bargaining of all sort of variety blew my mind. Walking along the beaches and the harbour was a total different, yet familiar, experience. I also was pleased to experience the religious aspect of this wonderful country. A nunnery with amazing bonsai trees surrounding the lily pad litter pools; a traditional Japanese garden; a traditional temple in the middle of a busy cityscape; and climbing the stairs to Giant Buddha in the Po Lin Monastery above Tai O village on Lantau Island. It was great and I cannot wait to go back and experience more of the culture and celebrations that I missed the first time, and maybe visit the places I have already been!

Thinking In Future

So weird thoughts lately, I realization I suppose to be more accurate. I have always thought about what I wanted, dreamed about future things but I have never actually planned they would happen. Honestly i never planned to live this long. I was sure I would of died or killed myself. I was close. However, spending all this amazing time with my beloved, I have for the first time seen a light in my future. It amazes me the greatness of his love that has continually shown to me unconditionally, well the only condition is that I remain alive. I have never experience such a thing from anyone. I had always hoped such a love existed. I had believed for so long in a religion that I believed to hold such a key. Of course that dreams was shattered of the wait of lies and deception crushed everything I was for so many long years. Now I have been given a life, through everything he has given me. I am wary of clinging to any human still. I still have this concept I fight with in my head about my uselessness, my wretchedness. But, god, how I love this man who has continued to rescue me from the clutches of the sad, pathetic past of mine. Now I begin to write down plans for an amazing adventure everyday with him. He works so hard for us, he is only human but he works so damn hard for something that I have not been able to truly believe. It has been something at the core what I dearly believe for every cognitive moment of my being. The words that he expresses are so clearly shown in his actions, making want to share the world with him in every way I possibly can. Oh to think the places we will go, the things we will see around the world. Traveling to far away places of beauty and realities unknown to us in the shelters place of these states. The hope of owning a little place not far from the cost to call our own. I would always talk about it out of routine lines along which path a life should being taking in their next steps. These days have been an entirely new experience in this area of the future. I actually have hope. Making me smile deep inside, knowing that this is the best revenge I could lay out for those wretches who've thought they blackened my life. You fucked up my past but hell if I'm letting you have anything to do with my future.