Hating That Love

Tonight I wait, tonight I sit pondering writing of love, well on what love has done to one in the worst of ways. It is not for the one I cherish most that I read these bitter, hateful, sorrowful words, no I read them for the ways I have been treated by "those" other people in my life. Well my past. Who had sworn the truth that they loved me. What sweet little lies they started as. So tasty for me to swallow, so much easier to digest their poison. Ah, what can I do. At some points I feel it was my fault for trusting. For me so broken. For liking to be broken. Years of therapy and books, so many books, to help me overcome. But I like books. They have always been truth worthy friends. And I have gleaned so much from theses books. Words and ways that I have never had the fortune of experiencing or learning. Which I could blame, maybe should blame, on my up bringing, parents, adults, surroundings, blah blah and whatever else. But truly what is the use. So is the biggest part, the truest reason for what I was, however, now I have a choice. To be whatever they had molded me to be. Or fucking step up and shove all their hypocrisy down their sore throats and watch them squirm. Hm. Na, to much work I'll just plan on living a happy life for now and see ho it goes, who knows I might actually like this.

Time To Ponder

Way to often do I spend my time wondering into the life of my past. A place that is a dangerous venture to take, no matter what time of day. My heart screams in the memory of the wounds carved upon it. Some of those wicked marks still ooze with fresh blood, trickling away the life within bit by bit. The tremor in my heart tells me to stop thinking, but my mind, well my mind can't help but float to those awful places. It seems so much harder to avoid those memories when the seems so incredibly many of them crowding my head. Sigh. It seems how each move I make seems to solidify the truth that me, my life is a failure. It is so incredibly hard to move past it. I wish I could spend so much more time with my beloved Sora, his time is more precious then thousands of pounds worth of gold. HE is the one and only thing that keeps me moving, if at all, in any direction. Forward. I do believe I want to move that way. I mean I truly cannot move backwards. I can most definitely not, fall any farther down the bitter hole. I have sank, be thrown, tripped, been buried, shattered to the extreme lengths. There is only one thing that would spiral to that darkest pit to be unable to rise. If my sweetest treasure were to disappear from my life, if we were to be no more, then I would be no more. Again I sigh. Well, to you all till I drearily ponder next time, haha, such there per-chance it may be some writings of joy. Have a lovely weekend. Make good choices.