My Smile, His

He made me smile today. After we spent that time crying. Holding each other. Bracing for the emotions.  After I told him he could never know what it felt like. How he had never been used so cruelly by some one you cared about, by family. But he works so hard to love me. Why me? Why does he love me? I may never know the answer. I do love how he makes me smile, like no one else ever had. I feel safe with him. He has never taken anything from me. I love him. Truly do. Always have. There has never been and will never be anyone else. He has my heart. He has my smile.

Why Stay Here

Sora got upset with me last night. He is moving up so well, even when so many would think in some ways it a failure or at least not some one with high ambition. That isn't true thought, he is amazing. I believe, well I use to believe, that everyone had potential for good and greatness. Hm, yea. Sora, however, is proof at least a few, or, ha, one person is. He struggles, he hurts, he is real. I know others can see his dependability. His amazingness. His pure love and willingness to do what needs to be done. He is all about chivalry and courtesy, especially with me. He truly loves me. Always has, from the beginning. Always will, forever will. I told him, I was an obstacle. In the way of his success. His life. I am such a downer. It's so unbearable to be with me. Sigh. I feel as if I am such a black blot on the world. I wish so much, well most of the time, tht he would just let me end my life...

Me In Black

I hate hope. It's like a poor, starving person walking down a street of  places that serve delectable meals, knowing they will never, ever get a taste, may never eat again for all they know....sigh, ah crap. Yea, ya, that's my interpretation, my experience. I do feel as if I am finally, for the first time in the entirety of my existence, I am free to be me, whatever or whoever that may be. Sigh. Not much I expect. I do have a desire. To love my Sora, my dear, sweet beloved. He brings out the best of me, whatever that may be. He experiences and says as much, hee. I should have just become a hermit like I had planned early on, before...before all...all was taken from......me. sigh. Haha, what a child dream huh? Safest I thought. He says I am creative. Pure. Loving. Hm. Funny, I don't feel that way at all. And I would call my recent piece, mmm, well creative. I suppose art in contextual purposing. I feel so free as I paint. But then I stop. Clean up. And I am afraid all over again. I stare at my brushes, afraid to touch them. I don't feel real any more. I am becoming numb to, connections. They all just fall away. Hm, ya, oh, well. wow, hm I am sadly drawn to so much ...dark stuff, my clothes, linens, towels, etc, etc...haha, even when I try color, they are darker shades. I can not bring myself to buy light colors, they're just, bleh, ick. I can't. Hm, I had some where I was going with this..............damn.......oh, well I can't remember. fuck stress.....

Fight For Myself

I have a hard time learning the difference in that of fighting for being myself and being selfish. Being a person of simple nature, mmm, mostly. There thing of material value that catch my eye. I love fashion, close, shoes, yes. And being a creative person, which takes money to be, so sadly. I don't want to seem selfish, which I probably am. I've just had a hell of a life for only 28 and I would just like to live a little. I never really had my "child", or even really my "youth" years. As far back I can remember I had major responsibility. And I have always cared for others. Given them everything I could for their benefit. And now I have nothing. Not even those I loved so much. When times got tough, when they thought the worst, they left. Just like that. So I sit day after, mostly alone. I mean my amazing Sora would be here with me, but he is being amazing and working so hard to make a living for us. I have just been so use to, well people. Being active in activities, especially this time of year, summer. I was always so, busy. And now, nothing. At all. I walk. A lot. I like it. Even when it rains, which is like every other day. Not to bad. The wind is what gets me, if its over 20mph, no thanks. Sigh, yea. Well I just don't know how I just express myself. I mean I feel like I know what I want, but is it what I need? I mean we do need human contact? Right? Am I just cursed? OR something. I feel like a plague. I try to be positive, I really do. I may not seem like it. I try and then that happens. Starts small, I can handle this and then SLAM, fucking hell. Sigh. I wish I was over exaggerating, that would make for a good story. I would laugh and be happy it wasn't my life. I have good things sure, yea. Food, most of the time, when I can eat it. A roof over my head, even if it's not mine and the certainty of having one consecutively is slim. Sigh. I have limbs. That for some reason I can't keep from being bruise, bitten, cut or an acquired abrasion in some way. Life time a of multiple abusive, sometime all at the same time. It's hard to stay positive. I do have one person. Who loves me unconditionally. He'll do just about anything for me. He is amazing. I am a pretty messed up person, so The fact the he does so much is pretty awesome. Like immaculate awesome. So I think I'll just go shed some drops from windows. Have a great week.

Time To Ponder

Way to often do I spend my time wondering into the life of my past. A place that is a dangerous venture to take, no matter what time of day. My heart screams in the memory of the wounds carved upon it. Some of those wicked marks still ooze with fresh blood, trickling away the life within bit by bit. The tremor in my heart tells me to stop thinking, but my mind, well my mind can't help but float to those awful places. It seems so much harder to avoid those memories when the seems so incredibly many of them crowding my head. Sigh. It seems how each move I make seems to solidify the truth that me, my life is a failure. It is so incredibly hard to move past it. I wish I could spend so much more time with my beloved Sora, his time is more precious then thousands of pounds worth of gold. HE is the one and only thing that keeps me moving, if at all, in any direction. Forward. I do believe I want to move that way. I mean I truly cannot move backwards. I can most definitely not, fall any farther down the bitter hole. I have sank, be thrown, tripped, been buried, shattered to the extreme lengths. There is only one thing that would spiral to that darkest pit to be unable to rise. If my sweetest treasure were to disappear from my life, if we were to be no more, then I would be no more. Again I sigh. Well, to you all till I drearily ponder next time, haha, such there per-chance it may be some writings of joy. Have a lovely weekend. Make good choices.

Sigh, What Now

I sit here, a mess. Sigh. I had a horrible nightmare last night. It contained enough gore to make Saw viewers vomit. I woke, alone, feeling quiet disturbed. I was considerably claustrophobic in my room, in my house. But for some strange reason I dared no venture outside. I felt off all day. Couldn't eat much. Became a TV zombie. Totally didn't take my emotional control substances, sigh. Got sick through up dinner, sadness. What a waste of a good meal, meh. My endorphin were mildly stimulated. Oh how I love my Sora, he makes any rainy day worth dancing in. Of course my time with him is so short. And I was insufficient on my exercise scale today. Then as I showered a terrible storm of thoughts and emotions flood my poor heart, mind and soul...and...I totally crumbled. I cried, and cried and I felt as if I would never stop. So much emotion so much pain. I sat there wanting to rip my skin off. I desperately grabbed at my phone...I stopped...I realized I had no one to trust. My dear Sora was of making a living for us and here I sat lame and alone...sigh. God I am pathetic at times. I want to be stronger. More confident. I don't want all those bastards to win. I WILL MOVE ON. AHHHAHHHHHHHhhhhhh......sigh. I dial my bros number...hope I could here a voice I wasn't found so much comfort in....distance...time....circumstance....such cruel, cruel beings. He answered, thankfully. That simple sound of another human voice does so much for a broken lonely soul on the brink of self-destruction. Maybe someday...I will have more then one person I can rely on, who'll love me....maybe someday I won't be so broken....maybe someday Sora and I can just run away...

Me, The Story

Your first thoughts, your very first memories, what are they? Usually an image we can't make out or flashes of color we can't quite piece together. My first, it is the image of a mirror. A mirrored wall to be more accurate. It was the image of the living room of the house I spent my first couple of years on this planet. A place that would become the petri-dish for the disease that would, for a lifetime, fester inside of me. And that mirror will forever be a reminder, of what, well, what does my reflection show?
I haven't always known, to this day I can't even visually remember what happened in that house, my home. Home, an idea that would be shattered and twisted for so long to me, and I never even knew it. Anyways, that first house was where it all started, for the shell that is me anyway. My body can remember much better then my mind can, ever will perhaps. My tiny body was violated. For the longest time what I felt, what I experienced, I thought it was normal. However, I couldn't help but feel dirty. Wrong. Very wrong. Shortly there after we gave up that house for shack in the middle god-forsaken land. Burned and brittle, with very little to offer. The memories come in flashes. I remember school. Being sick, so sick, so often. I remember, the, the bullies. The names I was called. I remember Relatives. Their violent actions. I remember when I first fell like I could never trust anyone. I was in kindergarten. I remember always being left out. Not being good enough. I remember the first time some one told me I was worthless. That was my cousin. My brothers hadn't even been born yet. My mother gave birth to four of us wretched creatures. Raised us she did, with my father. My poor sister. Her teacher didn't like her. She had a hard time, fitting in, being focused. I tried to be strong for her, for us both. I remember that car we almost died in. My mother, my new born brother, my sister...someone...else. I remember pain. And blood. I remember being hated and not knowing why. I remember taunting back, so I didn't feel, so weak. That day when our mother hid us away from the world. No more school. Our parents would be our teacher. I became the teacher, for myself. For my sister and my two brothers. My mother became, angry. Hateful. Hurtful. My father, he stopped being at home. I remember screaming, fighting, things being thrown. Protecting my siblings, playing with them, trying to keep them safe. I remember the heat, sometimes unbearable. Over 120* at times. I remember the cold. Freezing winters. No electricity. No running water. Most of my life, that is the way it had been. It was so hard to keep cool or keep from freezing. I remember those days when we weren't sure if we would eat. Only bread. I remember making it a game with the little ones. I know how much they struggled, my parents. The couldn't hide, most of the time they didn't from me. I'm not sure why. Then mom got a job. I became the parents. I was just becoming a teen. Then other people came into our lives. Before it had only been us, all the time, every time. We became apart of our "community", as some might call it. Enmeshed even more others would say. I didn't know. I never understood. How can you when all you know is all you have been taught? This "community" was very good at "using" their "resources". I remember being used often. Most of my girl friends, well let's just say I know what a verbal punching bag is. I was an ego buster for them. And for the guys, well, I was there toy. And there was nothing I could do, why, because I was worthless. I had been told that since I was five, since I five. It had been well ingrained into me. What I felt didn't matter. Especially if my mother was "helping" someone. They needed her and she could help them. She thought we were safe. You should be safe, in your own home, in your own bed. I began to feel a if that was all I was good for, that was the only kind of love for me. That was real love, being used. I am worthless after all. I remember when my Grandmother died. She went for a visit with our Uncle and never came back. It was the first time I saw my tough father cry. It was out fault, Uncle said. And we didn't see him again. I remember loosing our home. I remember friends dying. Those first bruises my the "boys" who "loved" me, sometimes I swear I can still feel them. It was just a game. If I didn't please. I remember being touched. Hating it. Liking it. Hating myself for liking it. I remember the first time a that thin blade pierced my skin. The first time I felt in-control. I felt real. I felt at all. I remember reading others words to hide in a dream. I remember drawing life to forget the night-terrors, unable to wake myself. Dancing and poetry to express things I felt I could never say. With each passing day of this life I sank farther and farther into despair. I remember so hard trying to not exist. Trying to die. I wanted that. So much. That little putrid glass dish had become an uncontrollable illness of mass proportions. I was no longer a human. I so I feel as I look back. Just an empty shell, a fragile doll about to break.
Then the worst year of my life happened. Someone I hated worked their way into my already shattered life and obliterated it. I despised this person when first meeting. After my mother decided to help someone there was nothing anyone could say. And like all atrocious circumstances, he gravitated towards me. He lived with us, he did everything with us. It was easy for him to sink his fangs into me. His poison slowly yet surely took me over and I had lost what little I had had. I took everything from me. My heart, My soul, My virtue. I had never felt more disgusting. I felt like it was all I had to look forward to. He was everywhere. Then it happened. I had missed a month. Then another. But then I didn't. I was regular. Or so I thought. No I had a life growing inside of me. Then there was the fire, making us flee. Then the pain that sent me to the hospital. The life had come out and almost took me with it. Then deaths. Homeless. Many deaths.
For the first ever, I was to leave my family. I was going off to school. Alone. So many emotions. I never could fit well with others. I hate money. A few months went by and my father had a stroke. He was so helpless. It was horrible. That was thanksgiving. That christmas, however, would prove to be the worst day of that year. Or just a reminder of how crap, is my life. My father, still half crippled from the stroke that almost took him away, was accused of attempted murder...with a shot gun. He was swept away to prison. Unknown to us. That was a very long holiday. He was sick, invalid. We had no idea were he was. And then a week later there he was. Broken. What hell was, he knew.
That spring something amazing came into my life. My beloved Sora. The first person to make me feel like a person. I wish we had been a little bit stronger. He was the first person I told my life to. That following christmas, after he had ask my father, he asked me to marry him. I became a bit closer to reality, a little farther away from the family and all I knew. Or for awhile.
We married, what a day I couldn't wait to be over. My family almost made it unbearable. They, still to this day, believed I was being stolen. Didn't help much that they didn't prize my college graduation a few weeks earlier either. Things I had worked so hard for. All on my own. A broken doll trying to dance. In the following years I found out it wouldn't happen for long. That it should never of have. But I couldn't be who I am with out it. For the next several years would drain me down to the very last drop of life. Any passion I ever had for life, for faith, for love, siphoned away by greed leeches. I trusted people. I gave all I had and they took. I worked for this place for five years. I couldn't never please them. The path that they claimed to follow was not what it ever was really about. There were souls whom I came to love dearly. So many of them I fought for. Trying to show them love I had never experienced. They eagerly took but gave not much if anything back. A family That I took on as my own. As I should had been aware, it was a bad idea. Why? because the worst of the broken are drawn to me, and I cannot but help to let them feed off of me. I am worthless. Do what ye will. I didn't even know what was happening to me. How much more could someone be made to feel worthless? What was I? I had no faith? I wasn't strong enough. I would never be good enough. Then it all fell apart like the lie I didn't see it as. Those who I believed cared where only in it for their own agendas. No one believed in me. Was I really that awful of  person? I had done wrong. My worst mistakes were weakness. Wanting abuse and not knowing. being drawn to it. I trust snakes paints as flowers. They laid their trap, neatly bonded by what they were. The mistake of not being able to see what it was I needed. Of what they were. Abuse, any kind. It's want I needed to feel real. I didn't. Huh, now I do. How sad is the heart that helps with desires of its own, only to. I was , am so incredibly broken. I never believed I was perfect. Above anyone. In fact I believed I was lower. I always said that. Yet no one would lift me up. Not even half efforts at best. Just so they could keep me around a little longer to take what they needed from me. Now I tried harder then ever to take my life. I was so close. I was almost gone. Just a few more pills. A little more blood.
But no my beloved Sora had found his strength, and he fought for me. For months I lay here in recovery and he still fights. I look back at my life and finally feel as if I am alive. Because he loves me. His love is amazing. He fights so hard. We have been through so much. I have known a struggle or two. But I finally believe that love is more than a fairytale. That life can be real, and happy. That Bad things may happen but our choices are what can make ore break us in the end. What path we take is our choice. I could have had a much harder life. I could have made worse choices. I have love now and I will fight to keep it. This is no flight of fancy. I know it is more then a feeling. This will never disappear because we won't let it. It will change. It will grow. But it will forever be ours.
Now, now I will live in the future.
And just maybe, I am worth something...

Best Day Ever

So today is the greatest day in history, in all of time. Haha to some this may be silly but the celebration of my dearest Sora, My dear love is one of the grandest things for me! He gives me purpose, life. Why would I want to live otherwise? I wouldn't. He has given me the chance to consider the worth of each breath I take. He is the truest person I have ever known. I always feel loved. He doesn't hesitate to do anything for me, unless of course it is to my demise. Something he truly despises, the hurt I have. The pain. I am overwhelming excited to celebrate the gift of my love tonight, He will know that I love appreciate him. How much I truly love him. I am far from anything that could be considered perfect. I am, truly, a horrible person. And in my opinion not the greatest to be around. And yet His favorite place to be is by my side. I am so happy for today. Because today His mother, not knowingly, gifted me the most priceless gift of all time. I know he can't save me from myself, and he isn't perfect...but he is perfect for me. I LOVE HIM!!!!! hee