My Own Blood

I don't fear death. In fact I dream of it. Imagine. Always gruesome. I can just vision my blood pouring out of me. Its always only me. The sight of blood on others, movies, etc. makes me nauseous. But my own, inspires me. I can just see myself falling onto a katana, hitting my organs, and just letting the pain overcome me. Its so wonderful. The sweet, sweet pain. Something, the only thing I have ever been able to control. My blood flow. Well, for the most part. Even if it wasn't myself always giving the wounds. My blood, was still mine, no one has taken that yet. I try an keep it, or let it go, its my will, the only thing I can will. Or that is how I have lived my life. I still, have a hard time overcoming the want, the itch, the desire to see my blood. To feel the skin separate, peel away from the flesh, meat, underneath. The small veins, the larger ones, cut into them, see the blue turn a bright red as it makes contact with the air. Dripping downward, flowing, following the lines of my skin. The brightness fades as I let it dry were it has fallen. Feeling the tingle of my wounds trying to heal themselves. Traumatized. Fear. Wondering why this was caused, why my brain let it happen. Sigh. Will I ever be better? I don't believe it, I seem to fall and will crash into the arms of death with as brutal a death as I can manage. I was never meant to be apart of this world. Not a living breathing being. Just a mere object to be used. Played with. But it is still my blood.

Being Past Times

Past time. Past times. Adding one, little letter can sure change a phrases mean so very much. Both things however, are things that trouble me. The time that has past, well, has been rough. It's so hard to read this help and survivor books, cause for the most part it's one or maybe several events. Not a lifetime. From the beginning. I feel like I should read books on survivors from war torn countries or something. I feel like I could relate better. Most of these help book talk about get over "experiences", not a "life" you had. Hm, I think I will. I'll have to do some research and see if I can find some strong biographies. As for my past times, they have come undone and I am in a renewal of myself. I don't really know who I am or what it even means to be me. Things I once loved so deeply now bring pain. Heartache. I'll just march on. I do feel better today, by the way. I woke up smiling. And hoping and all that other weird stuff. Not bad after yesterday. And that scary dream I had about blood and chasing and zombies and death and taaallll buildings. Yea, I think I'm a little better. I suppose a little is better then nothing.

Time To Ponder

Way to often do I spend my time wondering into the life of my past. A place that is a dangerous venture to take, no matter what time of day. My heart screams in the memory of the wounds carved upon it. Some of those wicked marks still ooze with fresh blood, trickling away the life within bit by bit. The tremor in my heart tells me to stop thinking, but my mind, well my mind can't help but float to those awful places. It seems so much harder to avoid those memories when the seems so incredibly many of them crowding my head. Sigh. It seems how each move I make seems to solidify the truth that me, my life is a failure. It is so incredibly hard to move past it. I wish I could spend so much more time with my beloved Sora, his time is more precious then thousands of pounds worth of gold. HE is the one and only thing that keeps me moving, if at all, in any direction. Forward. I do believe I want to move that way. I mean I truly cannot move backwards. I can most definitely not, fall any farther down the bitter hole. I have sank, be thrown, tripped, been buried, shattered to the extreme lengths. There is only one thing that would spiral to that darkest pit to be unable to rise. If my sweetest treasure were to disappear from my life, if we were to be no more, then I would be no more. Again I sigh. Well, to you all till I drearily ponder next time, haha, such there per-chance it may be some writings of joy. Have a lovely weekend. Make good choices.