My Own Blood

I don't fear death. In fact I dream of it. Imagine. Always gruesome. I can just vision my blood pouring out of me. Its always only me. The sight of blood on others, movies, etc. makes me nauseous. But my own, inspires me. I can just see myself falling onto a katana, hitting my organs, and just letting the pain overcome me. Its so wonderful. The sweet, sweet pain. Something, the only thing I have ever been able to control. My blood flow. Well, for the most part. Even if it wasn't myself always giving the wounds. My blood, was still mine, no one has taken that yet. I try an keep it, or let it go, its my will, the only thing I can will. Or that is how I have lived my life. I still, have a hard time overcoming the want, the itch, the desire to see my blood. To feel the skin separate, peel away from the flesh, meat, underneath. The small veins, the larger ones, cut into them, see the blue turn a bright red as it makes contact with the air. Dripping downward, flowing, following the lines of my skin. The brightness fades as I let it dry were it has fallen. Feeling the tingle of my wounds trying to heal themselves. Traumatized. Fear. Wondering why this was caused, why my brain let it happen. Sigh. Will I ever be better? I don't believe it, I seem to fall and will crash into the arms of death with as brutal a death as I can manage. I was never meant to be apart of this world. Not a living breathing being. Just a mere object to be used. Played with. But it is still my blood.

This Time Away

I haven't spent much time near the tech world lately, simply because I wanted to focus. I feel it a dire distraction from the need of peace I find myself searching for. It has been a mind boggling concept for me, striving for inner peace, yet here I sit typing away my truths. It bewilders me to know only a few months ago I had been saved from slashing away at my body. That I have gone from needing to take the very breath from my lungs to taking in long deep breathes of the delightful ocean breezes that I daily encounter. I find myself striving for...hope, a word a dare not add to my bitter vocabulary. All this from the bloom flower of love from my dear, sweet Sora. How passionate his love is for my very existence, my blood flow is precious to him as fine jewels. He has given me more love, compassion, care then I thought could ever be graced upon my sorrowful heart. Yes, I sit here finding myself longing for a future I did not want to exist in months past. So much has changed. I have been given the chance to live like I never, ever have before. His unconditional and non-judgmental ways have left me speechless and long for more of the warm gifted in his strong embrace. So now that I have had way to much time to just think, I sit and contemplate my purpose along with the reasons for my trials and sufferings. A long road I have traveled for the soul purpose of loving other, now I walk a path of self love to envelope my world with. I am learning to be at peace with my. To let the raging storms of each emotion play out then reap from them bountiful harvest of rich character. I will know myself by what I am through all that was for the simple, yet immaculate, reason of loving.