Life Not Lived

I never wanted to live this long. I believed when I was young, I truly believed, that I would be dead by thirty. I had thought there might have been people would care if I no longer existed. As I have grown that belief in people has just about vanished. We've all had it, that experience, some worse then others, the disappointment. Sometimes its is so god damned painful you can feel it in your heart, forever, for life. I believe you will even be cursed in the afterlife with the sorrow. So many times. So often the pain. I fight to die. What is there to live for?

Trapped Inside Myself

I feel as if i van never be cleansed enough from the grim that covers my soul, and seemingly, every iota of my being. I feel as if my skin is a cage, my mortal prison, to be incased in all my misery for as long as I shall exist in this place. Whoever my true pure self should be is hidden behind this cursed, bruised broken used doll. The innocence of everything I yearn for seems to be stripped from me by the pride of those lustful creatures who perverted my truth, my dream, they have locked it away. Stolen and encased in some filthy trunk to be exploited for their own enjoyment . How closed off i feel from reality. A shattered truth is all I have of this broken heart entrapped behind bars shadows and sadness, I will never be whole, shall I?
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Be As Death

I feel as if I would be counted as lucky to be dead. Killed in a horrible accident, twisted and shredded. Caught in the crossfires of so gangs drive by shooting. The victim of a crime by a mind that slays another human being brutal ways. To be kidnapped, tortured and death in the slowest and most painful ways possible. To this I would count myself lucky.
Die of an overdose...eat a poison...bitten by a deadly creature...if only...

Exposure To Trauma

Imagine have not one but numerable encounters with trauma. Surrounded by an atmosphere one should not be in as a new born/toddler; sex, drug ,rock and roll.1,2,3,4,5 car accidents, one almost fatal. Parents in separate almost fatal car accidents. a private school your family couldn't afford, and people knew it, that treated you as if you would never amount to anything. Verbal bullying from peers as a child. 15-20 funerals in my short lifetime. Uncle steals from you as a child, does drug in front of you. Molested by a cousin, who lived with us. He died.....And on and on...I could stop there, but There is so much more to my story, so much more horrible things.
I had an ideal growing up, of who I wanted to be, virtues I gleaned from the huge bundles of reading I did, after awhile reading became a survival tool. The people I would read about, my heroes  the people I wanted to be like, were real, they had issues, they pains, but they persevered through it all, be came stronger. Were amazing people that everyone loved, well except those who hated the fact that they were loved. But they were selfless, hard working, charming, mannered, sure, helpful, loving of all, kind of people. Yea they made mistakes, but they always cared. That is what I wanted to be. And that is what I have always striven for, until very recently  For with time and the multiple efforts of evil in the world, I slowly and painfully began loosing all of my self-worth, yet continued to give, to love, with that being my only desire, to love and hopefully be loved. Alas, I never felt what true love should have felt like. Abuse, abuse, abuse. So much trauma there are days, months, sometimes years I cannot remember because my being was so hurt it couldn't stand it. I began to be 'taught' that I was worthless, only to be used and abused, little less than garbage. Yet. still I stove to share love with the world. But all it did was take, my virtues, my essence, my life. I am an empty shell now that is suspended in this time to be tormented by my thoughts and memories. I have been so depressed most of my life my internal self began to self-destruct, not only by the people that surrounded me but by the pain I caused myself  I have been completely drained of a normal life by all the trauma I have been forced to experience. I've lost and organ, I can't eat, I can't sleep, my short term memory is completely impaired, my emotions are a storm, I have no control, I am loosing, I am lost. I am terrified of living, life and all the other things in it. I have had the ability to enjoy life taken from me. Ripped from me with brutal force. With no mercy. Trauma is not something to laugh at. It is not a joke. The pain you caused is permanent. I am forever marked by your evil.

Meaning Of Songs

Having everything ripped out, torn apart, I have found that I have been given the ability to be wide open, if I allow it. I have found that pain can be such a conduit, if people submit to such a thing, to being free of what hate and evil and deception and lies have done to a soul. With this openness I have come to experience a whole new side to my comfort music. Words that have bring tears to my eyes because that emotion swells within me. The words sound as if they are coming from inside me. I can understand them so much deeper. The pain has cut me all the way through and the knowledge and experience just pour in to the very depths of every fiber of my being. I understand whole, never completely, we cannot as incomplete, imperfect creatures. Yet, when we allow it, our depth of understanding can beyond something galactic  even dimensional I dare say. When we rise up through the ashes, knowing we are burnt, broken, and in ways un-reparable, but we learn an entirely new thing about ourselves, others, and of course life. I may be burning in the sorrows from the crushing blow of evils vice, but I am cleansed by the fire of truth and love. I have found how real, how true some people can actually be.

A True Smile

Smiling? I do. Sometimes. I guess. It's hard when all you feel is pain. When all you can see is terrible things. Sora, I suppose, is my smile. He is my everything. My greatest, happiest, fondest, memories are from my beloved. The only reason I am alive. haha, He has saved me so often. He tried so hard to save me from things he couldn't really see. I so wish he had. So often. All the time. It can be so hard to live when all you want is to die. Everything has been taken from me. Ripped away with no remorse what so ever. No, they enjoyed it. Taking anything and everything from me. No I sit here wishing I could just be put out of my misery. Living each day, seeing the sun, knowing, knowing that they are free and I, I am not. Trapped in my own skin. My mind consumed by the horrific images flashing on a continuous real through my head. I try so hard to scratch the filth from my skin, till I bleed. Will I ever not be a victim? Will I ever be safe? They say yes, but how can they really know. It has happened so many times. I feel so disgusting. So broken. Empty. Incomplete, forever. And there is no remorse for what was stolen from me at gun point. How can people be so cruel. I dream of days of beauty, with my beloved. Only he has every been in my dreams, my fantasies. They are so sweet, so melodic, comforting. That is they life I want. To be a painter. To live with my love  and travel the world and see it's wonders. To get lost in each other. When he is with me, there are moments I believe he could erase it all. Change to broken. Set me free. I know he wants to. I.....wish I could smile...i.....