A New Year

It has been awhile. A lot has happened. Sigh, It always seems that way. Where in the hell is my break? Hahaha, I suppose that would be a deductive reason for my belief my this can be a living hell, mm with a few small pleasurable treasures. As the clock counts down the seconds till 2012 shows its ugly face I ponder my past, leaving my future with low expectations of any such hope. Sad. So very sad. However, I am beginning to feel a confidence of the being that lies with in the flesh surrounding shell. Not a hope. Not a something in a distinct truth optimistic. Just an observation from the bits of meditation I have snuck in. Yes, I feel as though I couldn't give a fuck what they say, you say, whoever. Sure, at some point it may penetrate. I may retaliate. and in ways I never would have. My persona has changed, significantly. I still believe in Love. Love defined as an action of true devotion and sacrifice of the one giving to the one receiving, with no conditions attached. I believe that should be a universal truth. Because who are you if not loving this way? You are nothing but a fucking selfish-greedy-bitch from hell? I'm not perfect, I'm sure if you really cared you wouldn't be reading this....would you?

The Best Friend

To me, there really can't be just one best, unless of course you are socially withdrawn, then maybe none. Which I know how sad that truly is. Times I have felt very alone. However, I have discovered through the veil of sorrows a small joyful view of trust. Trust in a person that I know very well could hurt me but chooses to love beyond themselves surrounding me. This doesn't just come from one person, how can we say such? Are we being honest with ourselves? And when they don't is it them or us? Really when you look at the people who  are on either side what do you see. Face? Smiles? Emptiness? Hope? Lonely? Resentment? Yes the vision of the people who "care" for you reflect what you look like on the inside? Is it a beautiful place to be? Or does the darkness consume you. So many questions to answer and so little time to review. 

Life Hates Me

I feel so utterly helpless, hopeless. Like ever inch of me is worthless. Like every breath I take is a joke to the world. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH. God, why have you forsaken me? Fuck!!! Waahhh. Damn I'm so pathetic. How lame can one person be. I'm sure I have set the record. My body is shaking so violently I feel as if the earth itself quakes beneath me. The tears run down my face with no way to turn them off. Sleeping feels like a wish never to be granted. Why, fuck god why? If I love it is taken away. If I share with no regret I'm left alone with less then nothing. I know that sounds over embellished, sadly it really isn't. Of course with emotion comes forth words and actions that may appear worse then when logically viewed. Sigh, How can I think, feel, understand, anything less then what is? Some say the struggles give me strength. Others say perseverance will show great treasures in the end. Then again I am reminded that no one ever proclaimed an easy path shall ensue. I hear words of encouragement stating I only need look at it all will an eye of optimism. I just can't, not anymore. It's been to much. How can a life as short as mine be so long, extended by the arm of pity-filled pain. How can I look forward without considering all that has come to pass? I have had been virtue taken by vile hands of lustful, mortal creatures. Over and over, over, over and over. Mind had upon it imprinted from as far back as I can remember the idea that my being was of no worth but abuse. To be used by anyone and everyone then thrown in a ditch, covered in filth only to wait for the next oppression. A fight for hunger. To want to be warm enough to feel my limbs. Wanting to feel a cool touch on sun-torched skin. Not knowing what tomorrow may bring. The undependable father who turned away. The inherently, bitter mother who struck those blows in all states that can never be taken back. Friends who love to take from me any fleshly desire until I was numb with emptiness. And this, those words, a small description of the truth I lie beneath. Each turn taken to dig from under it to see the light just once is rewarded with another brutal fall into the darkest, dankest pit. How shall I stay. Broken and bruised. Yes this is my way...

What I'm Not

I am far away from the one I love? Why? Well I suppose that is what I will be writing about. It actually starts farther back. It is something I am very not found of. The very reason I am away is because I trusted. Because I loved. You may say there must be something much more to it then that. That really can't be it all. Yes, that may possibly be true. There is always more to a story. Nothing is as simple as we would like. Now I hate. I was forced to be someone and something, that just isn't true. My life, in the aspect of breathing or waking to another beautiful sunrise. Yet what purpose is there in enjoying just lovely things when you feel a taint. When you know that no matter what, there is nothing to hope for, for the better. Damages done. Darkened. Bitter. I can feel the cruel evil oozing through my body. Almost comforting, a comfort that brings with it a sickness. Cruel nausea. So hear I sit typing to you separated from my beloved for the holidays. Which in note seem far from important. Celebrations just seem like a sad reminder of what was. So I hate the fucking bitch you considered herself far above all us peons. Yes, and the little club of perverted old bastards. How I pity them. They have suck ugliness. Just contempt. Sigh, I do not wish to be like that which has corrupted my light, my soul. So now I am learning to be what I am not.

I Hate Thee

I am becoming so dreadfully tired of words. Words spoken without care or consideration. Words spoken, well aimed, to brutalize. Words filling another with so much pain you can't even function. Terrible, crippling words. Only sticks and stones can break? Well isn't that the largest pile of bullshit I have ever smelled. How silly children are. To try an convince Their delicate, little frames are not marred by the simple evils children give. Those horrible words so generously given by selfish "grown-ups". Words can be so beautiful. So precious. A treasure worth more then any priceless gem. Yet look how often, sadly incredibly more then less, we corrupt this tool. Tainting something so wonderful it is shameful. I do sadly, in points of lowliness, succume to this abuse. Yes, I know better then anyone my one evils. But I refuse to let those useless word rule my vocabulary. No I dare to say I reach for something better. And so, therefore I proclaim that which I protest against. I Hate You. You who are above us all. Self-Self-righteous bitch.
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Out Of Town

God, I feel so cramped in this fucking, shitty hick town. I am so glad to be getting a weekend away. It seems sad that is what is coming out my mouth right now, like fire. I never would have said something like that. Honestly, which most people aren't. I have always given the benefit of the doubt. For everyone and everything. But that benefit depressingly no longer comes with this broken heart. Yes, I still love. I still care. But my first thought will be, " what do the hell do they want from me?" It is so terribly sad how inhuman humans can be. Especially those who hide their true selves behind a face of charity and "truth". Like they even really know what the hell that means. What a fucked up world we live. Makes me want to be a hermit. However, I could not be without my love. He just makes me so happy. Even when the only expressions I can seem to express are hate, frustration, anger, depression, and sadness. It will be so refreshing to have the ocean's breath on my burning soul. Ye,s to be in a place that hasn't been tainted by painfully, twisted memories. Someplace I can be free to be myself. To just be. To discover who I am, who I could be. The corrupted thoughts can be so easily erased by this place, this place made for me. As soon as we settle when we move there, I will be glad to share more with you. Love Always, me.

Truth Or Death

It fascinates me that so many can blindly follow a wolf hidden in the ripped from the living, faithful lambs, Yes, I too did follow for so many years I went on believing the ideas, the concepts surrounding what I supposed was the truth. I swore I understood them better then most. Nothing but corruption. A sweetly, coated evil cherry topped on a sinful lie. Through time it has torn the pages of life to pieces at the cost of delicate life-force. I am forced to face the something that was used to define me. It is but a darkened taint in the pool of color surrounding the paint that fills my essence.
Just me Hibana

The Soul Journey

So I have decided to make this blog a visual for me, and others, as I take this journey to find myself. It will be a road of long coming in discovery. I will be searching and researching the religion of the earth, the spiritual source that calls to me. Please don't judge. Don't correct. This is for me. And those who want something to follow. This is not a place to violently criticize. I want hope. I want love. I long to know myself for what i was meant to be. my Past took that from me. I sacrificed myself for 25 years, for nothing. This will  be an undoing, a rebirth. I have had many struggles. I have had much pain. I have had many turmoils. I am not bragging. I am not proclaiming to be more of a martyr then you or whoever. This is my declaration of my truths and my exploration of my soul. Feel free to join me, and know there is love here. For that is what I desire.

In The Air

You can feel it moving you. The simple little breeze moving you. this sense of purpose with no cause. Just trying to find the reason in searching. It seems to surround every inch, every place. I look at the places I once was and find it wasn't there. Yes now in this future it is in the air. Finding myself above what that simple may be.

Just A Note

I have found that when you don't know who you are it is harder to answer that question. I feel ever so slightly irradiated when a person asks me this question. I wonder if they themselves know who they are? Why ask me who I am? Is this important? Why must you know? Do you even really want to know...I believe many wander aimlessly in mindless thought about who each may be without actually considering the very question of that thought. Yes, I am trying to answer that question, it gets complicated when I have to answer to another beside myself. So please just wait....