I'm In Love

You know to much and yet you don't know me at all. You have listened but never heard a word of my story. You can think about the ideas, but never comprehend if you yourself have no means to compare it with. You can't ever tell someone you understand. Yes, you may understand pain, but you will never understand my story...and you never even try. So distant. I don't feel human. Stripped bare for all to see and yet know one has a single idea at what they are looking at. They can't comprehend the tortured soul lain out before them, exposed.
I wish my tears meant something. I wish I was loved. I wish I was cared for. I wish all those souls I loved so dearly actually loved me.
It's ok I'll move on or die. I have found that I am finding me. I am broken, and no one understands it all under this skin.
My beloved, my dear, my sweet, my wish, my prince...he keeps fighting for me, I am his, all his. He can have every inch of me. It isn't worth much. But,god, I will love him with ever atom creating my body.
You don't know this...but I am in love.

What I Want

I have such the urge to die right now, oooo, in horrible ways. I can see myself bleeding, lots of blood. Heavily intoxicated from alcohol and sweet  little pills, so many more than nay one should take. I see myself laughing as I watch my blood flow freely from its restraints. I laugh deeper, hysterically. Blood stained clothes, shredded, rip them away. Nothing left. MMmmm, such a hard urge to hold back, god, if I wasn't talking to him right, I just might, I have more than enough resources to accomplish this. Please, oh please let me succumb to these shattered desires, the desire to rid myself of a life in pain for several more seconds of pleasurable destruction. Watching myself sink into the depths of eternal darkness.....mmmm such a lovely image....

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

Life Not Lived

I never wanted to live this long. I believed when I was young, I truly believed, that I would be dead by thirty. I had thought there might have been people would care if I no longer existed. As I have grown that belief in people has just about vanished. We've all had it, that experience, some worse then others, the disappointment. Sometimes its is so god damned painful you can feel it in your heart, forever, for life. I believe you will even be cursed in the afterlife with the sorrow. So many times. So often the pain. I fight to die. What is there to live for?

Why Stay Here

Sora got upset with me last night. He is moving up so well, even when so many would think in some ways it a failure or at least not some one with high ambition. That isn't true thought, he is amazing. I believe, well I use to believe, that everyone had potential for good and greatness. Hm, yea. Sora, however, is proof at least a few, or, ha, one person is. He struggles, he hurts, he is real. I know others can see his dependability. His amazingness. His pure love and willingness to do what needs to be done. He is all about chivalry and courtesy, especially with me. He truly loves me. Always has, from the beginning. Always will, forever will. I told him, I was an obstacle. In the way of his success. His life. I am such a downer. It's so unbearable to be with me. Sigh. I feel as if I am such a black blot on the world. I wish so much, well most of the time, tht he would just let me end my life...

My Nights Alone

It's that time of the week. Where I become the lonely, heart broken blogger sifting through the memories that refuse to stop haunting me. And when Sora is off making bare-bones living for us, that amazing man, I get so sad. I still am in no state to fight for the relationships that I once thought were so important. As I fell down they all sorta trickled of the side and far out of sight. When I am broken, why is there no one there for me? I really should be content. I have a man that loves me more then anything that this world could ever give and beyond. I am just struggling I suppose. It's not very easy to calm a raging see of lost emotions, broken feeling and dark memories. I feel so alone when he is at work and I sit in my bed, thinking. In reality, life is amazing right now. It's beautiful. We are on our way up and out. With a few more small bumps to over come. But the heart ache of a lifetime is so hard to get over, to forget, to move. So much of it seems so fresh. Its incredibly hard not to feel it. But feel so much its as if you are numb. Like you can't really be alive right now. You aren't really feeling anything. Nothing truly happened. Did it? I think sometimes I try to hard to convince myself it was all a bad dream. Twenty-six years, if only. I blog. I write. I draw. Mess with my photos. And yet I just cannot shake this loneliness. The sadness of not being the friend I thought I was. I guess I just was that good of one, to be fought for as I fade away into blackness. Slowly letting my sadness eat away at me. Soul and heart and flesh. I am just so tire of being depressed. And I wish that it could be so as easy as just a choice. I mean come on. I eat as healthy as I am able. I exercise. I'm not to fat. I get sun. I walk my puppy. I hug and cuddle. I take pill upon pill upon pill upon pill to stabilize my mind and hormones so I don't jump off the deep end. Sometimes I wish I were insane. The funny kind. The really smart kind. So I could make friends in my head. I'm just tired of the one always trying to hold on. Fighting for love. I just want to be loved. To be told that I am worth being on this earth. That everything I experienced doesn't define me. To be needed. Over and over again until my life ends. So this is mostly why I blog. To get it out. To set the words free, or they will kill me. Even if I don't matter to anyone at least my blog is here. I do have Sora. I hope doesn't leave me. He says I'm not clingy, or to needy. It's so hard to believe that he loves me, that he is in love with me. Yea, I think to much.