I'm In Love

You know to much and yet you don't know me at all. You have listened but never heard a word of my story. You can think about the ideas, but never comprehend if you yourself have no means to compare it with. You can't ever tell someone you understand. Yes, you may understand pain, but you will never understand my story...and you never even try. So distant. I don't feel human. Stripped bare for all to see and yet know one has a single idea at what they are looking at. They can't comprehend the tortured soul lain out before them, exposed.
I wish my tears meant something. I wish I was loved. I wish I was cared for. I wish all those souls I loved so dearly actually loved me.
It's ok I'll move on or die. I have found that I am finding me. I am broken, and no one understands it all under this skin.
My beloved, my dear, my sweet, my wish, my prince...he keeps fighting for me, I am his, all his. He can have every inch of me. It isn't worth much. But,god, I will love him with ever atom creating my body.
You don't know this...but I am in love.

A Pathetic You

You can't like what you never wanted. You can't desire something forced upon you. Yon can't be in love with a lie. There is no truth when it has to be made, forced, for the convenience of another, to take away from some one weaker to make yourself feel stronger. But really, when you think about it, who really is the weak one? Having to prey on the sad and hurt to feel strong. Forcing others to except you so that you can feel needed, wanted...sigh, how pathetic. I still hate myself, hate the feelings of being a victim, but at least I didn't corrupt happiness. No matter what any one tries to tell me, I only loved, even when there was pain, even it was taken, even when I wanted to die...I loved. What can the wicked say? It was all about them. So sad. What a pathetic and hopeless existence. To be so useless. To be so selfish. The world is full of people how in hell could it ever just be about you...

I Am Weak

I may be weak. I do have flaws. I am sad. But I know I am not wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. It was not my fault. It was theirs. For being weak. Being sad creatures. Needing to feed of the weak. Trying to hide behind their own sorrows. Trying to blame me for their weaknesses  Just because some one is nice and caring and open, does not equal seduction. That's crap. It was wrong. I never wanted it. I never, ever asked for. No matter what I had to tell them to keep them from making me suffer more, causing more pain. I never wanted it. I was great before. I was very happy. I was satisfied  I never, ever needed their pathetic weakness that consumed me. Just because I am a girl doesn't mean shit. I shouldn't have to be afraid that just because I have a friendly smile some one will think I like them and try raping me. That's crap. That's hell. Fuck that. I have been beaten and used and threatened. I won't be ever again. I actually have some one who loves me, has never ever taken from me. He is the only one who has ever loved me. I am hurt, and broken, but he is the only one I have ever loved.

Asking The Why

How long must you be lost before some one comes calling?
When is it do they actually care?
The lies that filled the air to procure the satisfaction of your need. Infested the ears of all that must hear. The song of you silver tong threading the wicked path you chose to take, leaving me in your wake.
You never cared.
It was all a lie.
I believed it could change.
I believed all people were nice, somewhere inside. We could all find that kindness to share with the world. Not be another vulture, a leech to suck the life out of the world.
I want more. I want there to be hope. A future. Truth. Above all truth.
Fear kept me from being. Fear starved me of life. Terror ceased joy of any kind, wringing the life from it. No hope but death. My only friend. So many times I wish you had finished what you had started those evil days. Taken my broken life and shattered its frame. I wish I would have not been stopped. I wish I had not been saved. I wish I could have been set free from the prison you lock me in. Unwilling. Unprotected. A tool. A toy. I am just nothing. I never was. I wish I could be set free from the binding you put on me.
I wish.
I had never been born to be in this world. To feel the taint. To be a waste of breathing space. I know I am lame, but this is all I have. I am to afraid to be anywhere else. People....scare me. I cannot express the fear that has been imprinted upon my broken heart. You hurt me, and you never cared.
After all I sacrificed and this how I am repaid...with brutality. Is that love? To be abused after you give, and love, and encourage, and whatever else it takes to make people happy, hopeful, cared for, loved...is this all there is to look forward to....

In Hidden Pain

So today, and yesterday, I have been ill. Bleh. I do not like being so. Well, to a point I don't, in the fact that it can be so agonizing. I use to wish to fall ill so I wouldn't have to suffer the horrid hell I worked in. Sigh, I am a sad existence, yes? I do like being so because it puts me on the edge of something I long for. A small brink of a sorrowful ending. Sometimes, I wish I had never loved, never reached out. Just remained hidden to the world, so that taking my life wouldn't be selfish. It's pathetic but that's the only reason I stay here. That I don't banish myself to hell or whatever. Don't worry about me. I wish he didn't love me so much. I wish he didn't care, so that it wouldn't hurt, if only for a short time, but pain him. He says it will. Part of me thinks it would be a release. A burden lifted. Sigh, but I know he does truly love me. So I know in that it would hurt him. So I suppose I will continue to hide here, in this suffering. In this pain.