Hating My Nightmares

I take medications to quiet them and still, they find ways o haunt me. To get into my head. My scramble the reception of a clean mind. Mumble, mumble. haha. I hate those nightmares. Especially the ones with those demons. The ones that chase me. The ones that did the most in human things possible. Making me feel the worthlessness I am. It seems to seep into every pore, and nothing I can do makes it go away, I can't even wash enough. eventually it fades to a mild ping, a small thought, a distant memory. What a curse. What a fear. Ha, who knew caring for people could be such a crime. Loving the broken really does get you crucified. I am no saviour. I am a sad, worthless creature who cannot find any purpose more then that of pain. Maybe I need stronger medication...

Sigh, What Now

I sit here, a mess. Sigh. I had a horrible nightmare last night. It contained enough gore to make Saw viewers vomit. I woke, alone, feeling quiet disturbed. I was considerably claustrophobic in my room, in my house. But for some strange reason I dared no venture outside. I felt off all day. Couldn't eat much. Became a TV zombie. Totally didn't take my emotional control substances, sigh. Got sick through up dinner, sadness. What a waste of a good meal, meh. My endorphin were mildly stimulated. Oh how I love my Sora, he makes any rainy day worth dancing in. Of course my time with him is so short. And I was insufficient on my exercise scale today. Then as I showered a terrible storm of thoughts and emotions flood my poor heart, mind and soul...and...I totally crumbled. I cried, and cried and I felt as if I would never stop. So much emotion so much pain. I sat there wanting to rip my skin off. I desperately grabbed at my phone...I stopped...I realized I had no one to trust. My dear Sora was of making a living for us and here I sat lame and alone...sigh. God I am pathetic at times. I want to be stronger. More confident. I don't want all those bastards to win. I WILL MOVE ON. AHHHAHHHHHHHhhhhhh......sigh. I dial my bros number...hope I could here a voice I wasn't found so much comfort in....distance...time....circumstance....such cruel, cruel beings. He answered, thankfully. That simple sound of another human voice does so much for a broken lonely soul on the brink of self-destruction. Maybe someday...I will have more then one person I can rely on, who'll love me....maybe someday I won't be so broken....maybe someday Sora and I can just run away...