Afraid, The World

How pathetic you are, a grown woman, afraid of the world, I say to myself looking back in the mirror. How can you live like this? You can't. I'm not alive. I am the living dead. No hope for this hopeless creature. This is how I feel. I am being controlled by what is not my choice. Living each moment as if there is no other. So much sadness. It is strange. How corroded life, people can be. When I a person isn't happy, they curse others with their unhappiness. It's a sad life. Even sadder then mine. To not even be satisfied by a religion you cling to, like a leech sucking life out. To be everything you don't proclaim to be. I am glad I am not that. A fake, religious zealot. That is pathetic. Sigh. So now I will either sit, hidden from the world, never trusting a soul, again, ever, except Sora. Or do I die and wither away? I am forgot. I will be more so. Why not just die and me dragged to hell? To know the depths of fire that burns with no mercy, no light and wishing to be there instead of a heaven without pain or suffering, why? Because of them. I don't want to turn into them. If that is what it means to be apart of that faith, that religion, I won't ever be. They have shown me their god doesn't like a sad creature such as I. I am not made to be saved or loved. Their heaven has no room for me. A broken soul. Plus, I cannot forgive. I am done forgiving. Done letting people hurt me and saying you are forgiven. Beaten, its fine. Bruised, its ok. Slain, you are loved. Where was my love? Only Sora. Their has only been Sora. I so do wish, many times, he had been stronger sooner, to save me. Been in my life sooner, to hold me. Love me, like he does now. Even as I look down on myself because of what, what my past, my hurt, my pain, my burden from generations of my family, of weak, sorrowful beings, who welcome pain. To let the willing break our hearts and ruin whatever of us they can so they could be happy, only to leave my family members dying of bitterness and shame, alone, with nothing. Only the greedy, prideful bigots die with much, but still alone. The wise, the truly wise die with many hearts around them. My wisdom may have come to late. Ha, well, I believe this to be true, my dear, sweet husbands believes otherwise. He believes there is life behind my eyes. If life is my love for him, well, then just perhaps. For I love him with ever ounce of everything and anything that is me. Most days I fight that notion. I, I am just so afraid of other humans. I have read book after book, and I still am having trouble being convinced there are safe people out there. They all just want to cause pain. To leave. To abounded when you are weak. To shame you. TO take from you. To hurt you in any way they can to make themselves feel better. What a wretched creature, humans. Love seems impossible. I would have bet my life on it. Those words. I was so close in taking it. Till he came, till he saved me. He didn't have to. I could have left and no longer be this emotional burden, but yet he loves me enough to be there, in every single humanly possible way, and then some. I ramble, rumble, like thunder in the distance that is barely noticed, like a desert storm that never comes. How sad a creature am I? My opinion, very. Sigh. Well tonight I hope the nightmares let me sleep a few, so I can see his face tomorrow.

Who You Are

"Tell me who loves thee, and I shall tell you who you are", Or something like that. A quote. By a Aristotle I believe  not sure though. For most of my life that has been abusers. So what did that make me? I am not entirely sure. I feel myself waning. So many times, wanting to not exist. But then I see his eyes or read the words of my favorite philosophers and poets, and I feel alive. I want to be known by the love my Sora gives. Even if it is only one person who loves me. I think I could live. His love his so amazing, so deep, so strong. Not demanding, no fear, no shame or guilt. Nothing to tell me I'm worthless. I am so mystified by his love for me. I, at the small moments of time, dream to show the world what love really is, by reflecting what he gives. The only one to sacrifice. To fight. to save. To never, ever give up. To look past the pain. To discover my weakness, my burden, my shame of wanting pain. And he just simply but complicatedly just loves me, forever.