Beware Your Heart

Beware what you set your heart upon for it shall surely be yours" -Ralph Waldo Emerson. Whether is a conscious or unconscious thought, desire. Even if it was something forced into our hearts, built there by others, we will inevitably fall to it. Whatever our heart have been set up upon. It is so sad. To be a product of such. What a horrible price one must pay for the burdens of others. Why is it the weak are blamed for the wicked ways of the broken, corrupted bitter souls of this world? I am so weak. So sad. So broken. I have no faith. In people. in anything. In myself. I never, ever have...

What To Be

Today I sit and ponder the things that meddle through my head. Thoughts of life, thoughts of death. Weaving in and out of every memory. Each moment, wondering just what will all this be for. I want to sleep, I wish I could snore so gently. To know I am safe, I am warm, just drift away into dreamland. sigh. Will this ever be a truth? Just a simple wish, to sleep. No insomnia, no night mares, night-terrors, no more fears. sigh. Someday maybe, if I dare hope, I'll have friends who chase me, love me for me, are there and will always care, even in our weakness. I fear the lies, the actions faked, the life that will be taken. Why trust? Why share? I use to have this belief that love was real. That it could conquer all. That if some one did love you, no matter who, when that word was used, it was real. It was unconditional, no conditions, no limits. That they could be with you, help you, protect you, save you. No matter what, be some one there, always. No matter what. I tried. I wanted friends. I wanted family. I wanted community. I wanted love. I wanted there to be a group of people, that no matter what happened, we would get through it together. I was, I was always there. Even though I was the weakest. I always shared. I always gave, to my detriment. To my pain. To my shame. To my hate. I believed in a love that was full of grace and love. I believed in people whom I believed believed in the same thing. What a fool I was, to believe. What a Lie. I will either perish from this or conquer it and become more, so much more. Something beyond the hell you gave me. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be a friend. I don't want a family. I don't believe in that love. Only Sora's love, for it is true. It has passed the test, withstood time. He is weak. He is wounded. Not always there. But he is my everything, forever and always till forever. However, I can't trust people, humans, life. It is nothing but a shame, a lie. It was proven time and again. If they are known by their love, the love that was given by their sacrificial god, if that is their love, I never, ever want it. It is an ugly thing full of lies and hate. I must overcome my bitterness. My hate. For I refuse to be like them. I will be gentle. I will be kind. But I will not let you touch me, hurt me, use me, look down upon me, never abuse of any kind, ever again. No matter what. I will win this battle. I will. Any way I see fit. I will be myself. Not what your curse blames me for. I have my own demons, stop trying to peg yours off on others. ........so ya, I think to damn much, it hurts, so one way or another I am done, I have to be....I have to be....

Abuse In Solitude

These past months of solitude have shown me much about myself. For the first time in my life, since before I could remember, I have been completely removed from every and any kind of abuse. Never ever feeling safe. Not knowing what real love was. I have what been able to see what my heart and soul had been twistedly molded into. This deformed, rejected creature who was more then willing to let the monsters steal whatever they wanted from me. My flesh. My virtues. My emotions. My feelings. My heart. My dreams. My hopes. Anything that would make me, well alive, living, breathing, independent. A person of free will. Capable of caring for myself. I was a robot controlled by the first beast to take the controls. No self-esteem, no self-worth. I was a weakling trying to play strong. A part I failed at. All those I looked up to. Hoping to help me. Took more. I never got help. Just more a abuse. I trusted them. They never saw how hurt I was. They kept blaming me. I was wrong. I was hurt, broken. That was wrong? Why? Why did you let it happen?  Why didn't you save me from the pain like you said you would? Why didn't you protect me like you promised? I was alone. You blamed me for being a victim? I had no security. I wasn't safe. I thought the only way out was death. You made me believe I wasn't loved, I couldn't be. I was no good. All I was worth was less then your garbage. Is it my fault for not knowing I wasn't ever really loved? Was it my fault for thinking it was ok to be beaten, taken advantage of, with no words to speak? Was it my fault for being afraid of brutal monsters eating flesh, my soul? Am I not human, simply because each person I opened my heart to, willingly molested, beat, shredded and left my heart to die in filthy pits, because I didn't know how to stop it? Because I believed that was love?