In My Thoughts

When you think to much, as I do, you realize things, stuff. Especially after the years of unforgiving experiences and sorrows, the rivers of information to explain why it all happened to the depth of each human psyche. It so strange. You feel as if you should have known those things you have learned, should have known from the beginning. Knowledge you wish you could of had. Mm, like that Katy Perry song that talks about wishing she would have known so she would have dived in, not given her all, because it wasn't going to work. You wonder what happens to the time and love you put in? Does it just disappear, as if it had never been? I guess so. I wish I had give so much away, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad right now. I wish I hadn't cared about anyone, than this would be so painful. Sad, its who I am, I can't help it, I even try to help it, to not be compassionate, sigh, I just can not be compassionate. I feel as if it is in my blood. It is everything I am. Because I hate the fact there are people who don't believe they are loved or will ever be so. I have felt that way most of my life, which is why I am so drained now. I was never given love to just be loved, no never. Until Sora, of course, well he even had to change and grow. But he was never like the rest. They "loved" me to get what ever it was they needed, ego bust, self-worth, pride, to victimize, such my life out to feed themselves...sigh, yea well, humans disappoint, are no loyal, safe, hopeful  Most of them anyway. I just wish I would have been more aware of the fact that I really was so weak, an easy prey. That I wasn't strong enough to fight. That I didn't know anyone strong enough to save me. Sigh. The things you have to learn after the fact, so sad. goddamn I hate life, or living I suppose would be a better reference. I'm to weak to be apart of this word. I have always been. Its seems funny to me now, to hear people proclaim I am strong, that I have strength. I wonder who they think I am? How could they think such a thing, I want to die, how is that strong  Oh well. People are silly. I can't be rageful very long, at all. It vanishes like smoke from an extinguished candle. Which I hope my life will reciprocate, soon.