No Happy End

At one point I believe I may have had pleasant dreams, but I can never be sure. My first memory of dreams are, well, nightmares or night terrors most of the time, to be more accurate. I can still see so many of those images plastered to the back of my eyelids, forever an imprint on my broken mind. Being tortured. Living in a cage. Naked and...an..d.....well, things children shouldn't know about......ever. My poor computer, I hope tears don't cause a short. ........................how am I ....normal......I feel like I should be how I feel on the inside. Broken. Scarred. Bruised. Shattered. Mangled. Burned. My soul looks nothing like what my physical being shows. Not pretty at all. Not a person. A being.
How sad is it to be a person who loved so many and is now so alone? Broken by the price payed to ones,who.....were so willing to take? Once so full of dreams now drowning in nightmares. Afraid of human contact, of the outside world. Wanting each day to be the last. What little girl dreams of being a victim.....all her life? How do you deal with that? Tell me, how do you fix it? How do you stop being so?? Is it every really safe. Sigh. I don't think I can last much longer in my own head. It's...becoming...so much harder....
I wish he would just let me fall of the edge. He won't have to see anything. I can make sure no one will ever find my bloody mess. He's the only one that cares. That stands in my way of the dark place. Sigh. I want him to be happy. I don't think I can do that. I am, so broken, I don't know how to be whole, happy. I look and realize I never really have been. Well deeply. For myself. I don't even know I am, and I am losing even that.
We are closer. I am freer. I am safer with him then I have ever been in my entire life. He makes smile. He keeps my cold frame so warm. He is so sweet. So gentle. His sent is so comforting. No one, ever, has loved me like he. My love, my beloved, My Sora. My forever and only. He is the only one who know me, all of me. Everything. Cut open before him like fresh prey before a predator. All the deepest darkest parts revealed. And yet he does not feast. He does not turn away. He wants to heal. To hold. To love. To save.
I just can't be a princess anymore.
They took it, they took it all.
So.

Why Stay Here

Sora got upset with me last night. He is moving up so well, even when so many would think in some ways it a failure or at least not some one with high ambition. That isn't true thought, he is amazing. I believe, well I use to believe, that everyone had potential for good and greatness. Hm, yea. Sora, however, is proof at least a few, or, ha, one person is. He struggles, he hurts, he is real. I know others can see his dependability. His amazingness. His pure love and willingness to do what needs to be done. He is all about chivalry and courtesy, especially with me. He truly loves me. Always has, from the beginning. Always will, forever will. I told him, I was an obstacle. In the way of his success. His life. I am such a downer. It's so unbearable to be with me. Sigh. I feel as if I am such a black blot on the world. I wish so much, well most of the time, tht he would just let me end my life...

Me In Black

I hate hope. It's like a poor, starving person walking down a street of  places that serve delectable meals, knowing they will never, ever get a taste, may never eat again for all they know....sigh, ah crap. Yea, ya, that's my interpretation, my experience. I do feel as if I am finally, for the first time in the entirety of my existence, I am free to be me, whatever or whoever that may be. Sigh. Not much I expect. I do have a desire. To love my Sora, my dear, sweet beloved. He brings out the best of me, whatever that may be. He experiences and says as much, hee. I should have just become a hermit like I had planned early on, before...before all...all was taken from......me. sigh. Haha, what a child dream huh? Safest I thought. He says I am creative. Pure. Loving. Hm. Funny, I don't feel that way at all. And I would call my recent piece, mmm, well creative. I suppose art in contextual purposing. I feel so free as I paint. But then I stop. Clean up. And I am afraid all over again. I stare at my brushes, afraid to touch them. I don't feel real any more. I am becoming numb to, connections. They all just fall away. Hm, ya, oh, well. wow, hm I am sadly drawn to so much ...dark stuff, my clothes, linens, towels, etc, etc...haha, even when I try color, they are darker shades. I can not bring myself to buy light colors, they're just, bleh, ick. I can't. Hm, I had some where I was going with this..............damn.......oh, well I can't remember. fuck stress.....

Just One Pill

taking pills to sleep. nothing i can eat. fading away from this existence. sugar rush, caffeine high. drink my sorrows giddy. self destruct. i'll waste away, a simple wretch of a life waisted. i feel is if every ounce of my flesh was only to be food for the ravenous beasts to feed off of. i was fuel to their fire. to confirm there wickedness on the world. i am the bane of humanity. death is my only ally. mmm. yes i am, weak. i am sad.

Hidden Away Forever

My sanctuary. Does it exist? Am I really here? Am I truly alive? I am so incredibly afraid I have lost feelings, emotions. I cannot trust. I can't go out. I can't be with people. So it doesn't hurt anymore. So I cant be hurt. I will curl up and remain here, hidden away from the world. I have nothing to offer. No purpose anyway. I am a phantom on this page you read. Not being at all. A ghost who slowly fades away with each second as it passes by. Be happy you are alive. Be happy the sun shines on you. Be happy you exist. You do have a purpose, even if I don't. You are loved, even though I am not. You have hope, where I have none. Be love, for I know where it is there is none. How can you dream with a mind full of nightmares? Keep going......even if I can't....I am so afraid right now. It will happen again, that's all I can see. I can't, not again, not ever, again...

Beware Your Heart

Beware what you set your heart upon for it shall surely be yours" -Ralph Waldo Emerson. Whether is a conscious or unconscious thought, desire. Even if it was something forced into our hearts, built there by others, we will inevitably fall to it. Whatever our heart have been set up upon. It is so sad. To be a product of such. What a horrible price one must pay for the burdens of others. Why is it the weak are blamed for the wicked ways of the broken, corrupted bitter souls of this world? I am so weak. So sad. So broken. I have no faith. In people. in anything. In myself. I never, ever have...

Prisoner Of Self

Here I sit, brooding. Bubbling like a coudlrun ready to boil over. My thoughts are over flowing. I feel captive by them. They hold me under siege in my own brain. Trapped my the this thought and that thought. Fear. I don't live like a human who should be a alive is, or, uh something like that, sigh. I hurt all over. Sora doesn't know I haven;t been keeping things down. I thought since he was around I would ok, alas, no. I want to be free. Will I ever be free. I want to talk. I want to get it all out. Every detail of every painful moment. Would you understand, or would you judge. I fear judgement, rejection even more then I have already experienced. I feel so wretched I have a .........to watch a horror flick. Ick. i hate those. They freak me out. And then I get the worst nightmares, ever. Sigh. I can't even watch animal shows that have operations, I get sick. I hate being scared. I feel as if it has been a constant fact of my life and only now I am aware of what this feeling, this emotion or whatever you call it is. I never really knew. I mean I felt like something was wrong,sure, I think. That this shouldn't be happening to me. I just want to cry every day all day till I dry up and remain no more. How sad? It hurt to try and be happy, positive even. Can you even understand what that's like? TO be in total darkness then brought into the like suddenly. You are blind. In denial. This isn't how it is suppose to be. This is a lie, this light. That is how if feels, for starters. I am afraid to get a job, to be close to other people. I am afraid to spend to much time, if any, in public. If was for the ingrained feeling of wanting to be clean, to wash myself of the...the...filth, I might not even shower, ugh, disgusting. To know this and still, I don't get it. To have been hurt so much at a young age, so much mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse, that you get addicted to the pain. I just didn't get it, until I read it, several times. I feel so sick. Well, At least I get it. Addiction, ha. At what fucking cost. My life. I have none. Fuck, ah! I am so sick of living in this...pit. Normally my thoughts just do what I trained them to, or as I learned, lead to thoughts of self destruction. You become so depressed, so much pain, your mind and body and soul go into totally self destruct mode. Crazy. I learned this the other day, books and such, therapy. they've done studies. Research. Its sad that it happens so much they have researched it. You truly believe your are worthless and try to destroy yourself, self-mutilation, suicidal, eating disorders, etc. It goes on. I didn't understand it. I mean you can know something, I guess, but never understand until BANG, it hits you. Some how. Mostly painfully. Because it happened so often for so long and I believed is was my fault..., I was dirty, no one would believe me, you fear "those" people who generously used you, you care about them, you don't believe they meant to hurt you, no ... will ...ever... understand. I still fight these thoughts everyday. They plague me more as I realize it was true that know one would believe me.